While on a business trip, I managed to spend a ...
But to get to the point, should I have refused that joint? I'm not sorry I hooked up with the lady, but I was worried that rejecting the joint would've broken the deal (we smoked before we hit the sack). I want to say that the sex was awesome, but my fears of getting fired are making me regret it.
-Buzzed
You smoked pot because you thought it would get you laid. And you were correct. This is pretty minor stuff in the pantheon of stupid, duplicitous shit most of us have engaged in in order to get our rocks off. After a young man I was dating informed me he was a vegetarian and could never even bring himself to kiss someone who wasn't, I solemnly agreed that meat was murder. Never mind the juicy roast beef sandwich I'd downed just moments earlier-for the next few hours his was the only meat in my mouth. And even that minor deception is nothing-I dated a guy for a month or two who faked a British accent because he thought it made him more attractive! (I didn't find out that he was a fraud until years later. I was very young. And apparently quite stupid.) What you did was perfectly understandable.
Instead of worrying about whether or not you should've huffed that doober (which, p.s., you shouldn't have, but only because marijuana is stupid-amphetamines are way more fun), you should be fretting about the fact that you work for the kind of employer who considers your bodily fluids fair game. Do you have any idea the number of things they can discover about you from one warm little cup of piss? They can tell if you're on psychiatric meds (and who isn't?), if you're pregnant (okay, not really relevant to your particular situation, but still) and a host of other things that are none of their goddamned business. Then there's the whole business of false positives. If you're a big poppy- seed-bagel chomper, you can test positive for heroin.
For now, don't tell your supervisor and don't buy any of that crap advertised in High Times (trust me, I used to work there). Just keep flushing your system out with water and cranberry juice (nature's diuretic). Pot stays in your system for about a month, but you've had so little, you probably don't have anything to worry about. You should also start taking vitamin B tablets daily, because they'll keep your watered-down piss a vibrant shade of yellow. If and when you're tested, don't give them the first bit that comes out, nor the last drop. Catch it midstream. Then start looking for a new job with an employer who doesn't monitor your bathroom (or bong-hit) habits.
Do you tell your dates that you write a column? I'm wondering if that's why they refuse to keep courting you-because they don't want to be Mr. Dategirl or fodder for your column.
-A Reader
Hey, Reader, thanks for taking the time to consider my tragic love life. That was very generous of you. Yes, of course I tell potential dates I write this thing. (Thanks to Google, they'd find out anyway, so I may as well cop to it up front.) And yep, I've had plenty of men refuse to go out with me for just that reason. I look at it as a weeding process. Then there are the guys who try to forbid me to write about them. Trying to forbid me to do anything rarely works out well for the would-be forbidder, but inevitably, these are fellows so dull I wouldn't bother in the first place.
The ones who do brave me? Well, maybe my column is the reason I keep getting dumped, but what am I supposed to do? Quit this and go back to writing record reviews? No thanks. Believe me, I'm certain there are plenty of other reasons besides my column to flee the Girl of Date. However, listing my myriad faults will only serve to make me even crankier than I normally am. As they say in The Rooms-that there is "stinkin' thinkin'!" So I'll just continue my celibate ways while I rake in the big bucks.