When it rains, it pours.

WHAT WAS IT again that Condoleezza Rice testified she couldn't remember telling George Bush? About sleeper cells in the United States? Or was it stem cells? Does any reasonable person believe she really forgot? If she didn't tell Bush, she's covering her ass. If she did tell him and he did nothing, she's covering his ass. Maybe the 9/11 commission should've offered her HT-0712, the "Mind Viagra" pill that restores memory in fruit flies and mice. But would that make any difference if Condi were consciously resorting to blatant deception in the guise of false memory-loss syndrome?

Just as there's selective memory, there's selective deception. The infamous Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh was a frequent guest at the home of co-conspirator Terry Nichols, with whom he committed an unspeakable act of domestic terrorism. Yet Nichols' wife, Marife Torres, testified at his state murder trial that Nichols spent so much time at McVeigh's home that she grew jealous of McVeigh. One day, she slept with McVeigh-a fact, of course, that McVeigh kept secret from Nichols.

In order to best deceive others, one must deceive oneself until that deception becomes a reality. A Bush family member was recently quoted in the Los Angeles Times: "George sees this as a religious war.... His view is that they are trying to kill the Christians. And we the Christians will strike back with more force and more ferocity than they will ever know."

That's a good fit with this utterance by Abu Bakar Bashir, an Islamic cleric and accused terrorist leader: "America's aim in attacking Iraq is to attack Islam, so it is justified for Muslims to target America to defend themselves."

So it came to pass that, after four mercenaries-oops, I mean contractors-were slaughtered in Fallujah, U.S. Marines bombed mosques where weapons of individual destruction had been stored, shooting bullets into copies of the Koran in the process. Which only increases the perception of a religious war that Muslims must avenge. With provocation like that, who needs friendly fire?

FUCKING BONO On March 18, 2004, the FCC ruled that Bono's utterance upon receiving a Golden Globe Award in 2003-"This... is fucking brilliant"-was "indecent and profane." This decision reversed a previous ruling that Bono had not violated broadcast standards because his use of the offending word was isolated and nonsexual. You see, it was merely an adjective. Thus, I could go on the air and say "finger" as long as it was a noun, but I could get in trouble if I used it as a verb. But now Commissioner Michael Powell says that the FCC will treat virtually all use of vulgar language as indecent.

Look out for George Pataki to revoke his posthumous pardon of Lenny Bruce.

JC THE OZ My favorite review of The Passion of the Christ appears in the online publication Ain't It Cool News and includes this paragraph:

"The last shot of The Passion of the 'Christ' [sic] is of Jesus getting up from the dead and walking out of his grave. This is the perfect movie to see right before Dawning [sic] of the Dead because it's like Jesus was the original zombie (only super good-looking and not smelly), so when Dawning opens it's like it's a sequel. Now it's thousands of years later and the being-a-zombie thing that Jesus started has caught on. In fact, Jesus in the first movie is always telling his buddies to eat his skin and drink his blood. So now it's today, and the zombie followers are taking that idea really fucking seriously."

The Bangor (Maine) Daily News reports that no charges will be filed against a 23-year-old man who tried to crucify himself after seeing "pictures of God on the computer." He was so moved that he "took two pieces of wood, nailed them together in the form of a cross and placed it on his living room floor. He proceeded to hammer one of his hands to the cross, using a 14-penny nail."

According to a county sheriff spokesperson, "When he realized that he was unable to nail his other hand to the board, he called 911."

It was unclear whether he was seeking assistance for his injury or help in nailing his other hand down.

^^^

AUTO-NEUROTIC SPIRITUALIZATION There are specific personality quirks that epitomize individuals in my mind. Donald Rumsfeld always wears a device that keeps a record of how many steps he takes, and he is certainly anal retentive. William Burroughs would not use a file folder until he had painted it in swirling colors, and making art was his life. Martha Stewart complained to Merrill Lynch about the music they played while her telephone call was on hold, and she is the personification of assertiveness. That's a good thing. Assertiveness is the force of evolution.

But now Stewart's been found guilty of not being Kenneth Lay, and it must be awfully depressing and scary for her. George Carlin wonders what her suicide note would be like-probably "on flowery stationery written in calligraphy."

Many years ago, Carlin and I had a conversation about religion, and-just like Martha Stewart's friend who testified that she wasn't sure whether it was Martha or herself who said how nice it was to have a broker who gives you private help-I haven't been sure whether it was Carlin or me who said, "Did you ever notice that whenever people pray, they're always talking to themselves?"

So I checked with Carlin to see if he remembered.

"The background idea," he says, "was that I had come to the conclusion that they have in Eastern thought, that it's all one energy and there's just different frequencies and vibrations. Everything you see, every one of us came out of the middle of a star at one time or another, a bottle cap, a cigarette butt, the World Trade Center-all came out of the middle of a star. So my conclusion was: Therefore, I know I'm part of everything and everything's part of me, and I'm perfectly safe in the universe because it's only me out there, and the thought was if it's only me out there, when I pray, I'm sort of praying to myself, I'm praying to the God in me that can get things done, but I give him the authority-I'm talking theoretically, I don't really do this-but I kind of give him the authority, 'Please, God, help me pass that test, please, God, I gotta pass that test.' Well, that takes some of the weight off your shoulders, so I think basically you're asking yourself to do a little more, get in there and help yourself a little more. But I can't remember having condensed that into a sentence."

Did you ever notice that whenever people pray, they're always practicing the ultimate form of insider trading?

Paul Krassner will read from his anthology, Magic Mushrooms and Other Highs: From Toad Slime to Ecstasy, at Coliseum Books on Friday, April 30 at 6 p.m. In his capacity as a political satirist, he'll perform at the Knitting Factory on Saturday, May 1 at 6 p.m.