WEDNESDAY Wednesday Thanksgiving episode of Party of Five We know ...

Thanksgiving episode of Party of Five

We know what you did last Thanksgiving. Those Museum of Television & Radio people either have woeful taste or a great sense of humor. If the dog races are rained out and the soaps aren't doing it for you anymore, they are offering an exciting alternative: a screening of the "award-winning" Thanksgiving episode of Party of Five. Attend just to see who else comes out to watch Scott Wolf show Jennifer Love Hewitt his Indian corn. Museum of Television & Radio, 25 W. 52nd St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-621-6800, 12:30, free w/adm.

Secret Machines

Looking for garage rock, new wave or stoner rock? Look someplace else for that Xerox 'n' roll bullshit. This effeminate but heavy art-mod trio mixes psychedelia with meaty riffs better than just about anyone. Northsix, 66 N. 6th St. (betw. Wythe & Kent Aves.), 718-599-5103, 9, $10.

Turducken Holiday

Delicious yet deeply disturbing, the turducken is the culinary equivalent of a slasher movie. The freak entree is created by taking a turkey and stuffing it with a duck, which is itself stuffed with a chicken. It is often served with sausage stuffing and deep-fried. The day before Thanksgiving, there's going to be a 12-minute turducken-eating contest at Mickey Mantle's Restaurant. Internationally ranked competitive eaters Cookie Jarvis, Sonya Thomas, Badlands Booker and Hungry Charles Hardy will be sacrificing their arteries for your entertainment. 42 Central Park S. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-688-7777, 10:30 a.m., free.

Paul Oakenfold

We still don't think Paul Oakenfold is pretty enough to warrant putting his face on every CD he releases, but we'll grant that he is a legend. In some circles, okay? Tonight, he spins at Planet Clubbyworld, otherwise known as Avalon. Tomorrow, you're not working. 470 W. 20th St. (6th Ave.), 212-807-7780, 10, $40.

Tango y Vida

Baila, papi, baila! Dancing the tango is more than just knowing the moves. It is an essence, say its adherents-a seduction, a lifestyle. Tonight, experience the tango as never before, at M27's production of Tango y Vida, which features musicians, dancers, even a poet and sociologist. Together, they will make the case for tango as more than just a dance. It is a way of living. Merkin Concert Hall, 129 W. 67th St. (betw. B'way & Amsterdam Ave.), 212-501-3340, 8, $35.

P. Diddy

After running the New York City Marathon, the man who was once Puff Daddy will now face the greatest challenge of his life: Performing live music in front of an audience. No word on whether or not Ashton Kuchner will provide onstage hype, or if the crowd's cheers will be sampled from a 1977 Kool & the Gang show. Roseland Ballroom, 239 W. 52nd St. (betw. B'way & 8th Ave.), 212-247-0200, 8, $75.

Grand Central Holiday Fair

We don't commute by train, so we have little occasion to visit the fantastic cheese and bread counters that sit among the stores on the Grand Central Station concourse. That changes around the holidays when, in addition to the 50 usual specialty shops, some 70 other merchants offer up their wares in Vanderbilt Hall. It's one of those one-stop shopping nexuses that make holiday shopping that much easier. 42nd St. & Park Ave. [through Dec. 24].

Thursday

Thanksgiving

It all begins at 9 a.m. with that awful parade. Then whoever's in charge of preparing dinner will break into nervous sweats because the creamed onions aren't cooking right or something. Around that time, the first of 400 football games kicks off. Chips are served, accompanied by dip, perhaps salsa. Beer. Cocktails. Soda. Then the big show: a dry turkey, cranberry sauce in a can shape and your strident college-age brat cousin soapboxing about how we're all just really celebrating a genocide and we should be ashamed and go protest with those four Indians in front of the DMV. Oversatiated, alcoholic coma follows.

Ben Watt

Ready to burst the family dinner bubble? Ben Watt, half of Everything but the Girl and a fine DJ and entertainer in his own right, will be just the thing to slap the drumstick out of your mouth. He's kicking out the jams tonight at Bowery Ballroom. See p. 42.

Grand Central Holiday Fair

We don't commute by train, so we have little occasion to visit the fantastic cheese and bread counters that sit among the stores on the Grand Central Station concourse. That changes around the holidays when, in addition to the 50 usual specialty shops, some 70 other merchants offer up their wares in Vanderbilt Hall. It's one of those one-stop shopping nexuses that make holiday shopping that much easier. 42nd St. & Park Ave. [through Dec. 24].

Friday

Buy Nothing Day

You're gonna have to wait until tomorrow to buy any of the enviable commodities from our Gift Guide supplement. Hope you stocked up on cigarettes and heroin yesterday. If not, have fun twitching on the floor. Also, Rev. Billy's gonna be breaking out his anti-consumerist shuck and jive routine in front of the Plaza Hotel. Expect do-gooder chants, dancing and the Rev. to be all like "shopping's bad, capitalism's bad, I'm pretending like I'm a preacher, ain't that just hilarious?" The Plaza Hotel, 768 5th Ave (Central Park S.), 917-825-3562, 1, free.

Critical Mass

Ever cruise freely through a car-less Times Square at night with a few thousand screaming friends? If you own a bike (or if you don't) and haven't yet reclaimed the streets of New York as part of a Critical Mass ride, don't let another one pass you by. Forget the protest side of it if you want, forget about the 15,000 pedestrians injured by cars every year in New York City, forget about global warming-forget about all that if it makes it easier. Critical Mass is the most fun you're going to have for under $75 tonight. And whether you want to think about it or not, it will also make the world .0000000000001% better than you left it. Union Square, 7, free.

Grand Central Holiday Fair

We don't commute by train, so we have little occasion to visit the fantastic cheese and bread counters that sit among the stores on the Grand Central Station concourse. That changes around the holidays when, in addition to the 50 usual specialty shops, some 70 other merchants offer up their wares in Vanderbilt Hall. It's one of those one-stop shopping nexuses that make holiday shopping that much easier. 42nd St. & Park Ave. [through Dec. 24].

Saturday

Rav Shmuel

After a few years of playing to full crowds in Jerusalem, the Holy City could no longer contain Rabbi Rav Shmuel. So he came to New York, where he soon built a following in the bubbling antifolk scene centered around Sidewalk Cafe. Shmuel is a real rabbi and teaches Jewish philosophy and the Talmud at various Manhattan universities when he isn't playing solo or touring the country with his band Gefiltefish (yep, they've opened for Phish). Not to worry, he doesn't do klezmer. With Testosterone Kills, Carmaig de Forest, Linda Draper, Dibs, Daoud Art Sorority for Girls and Michael Novick. 94 Ave. A (6th St.), 212-473-7373, 7:30, 2 drink min.

The New Deal

If you only see one jam band this year, skip it-the shows are patchouli-stinking hell. Canadian nationals the New Deal are the only variant on the idea we can handle: improv electronica. Their music is upbeat and bright, user- and dancefloor-friendly, and they may be the only noodlers that understand the value of repitition. Dilate your pupils and make out with someone carrying a glowstick and wearing something made out of hemp. With Brothers Past. Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey St. (betw. Bowery & Chrystie St.), 212-533-2111, 9, $23, $20 adv.

Rumble Fish & The Outsiders

The Godfather trilogy. Apocalypse Now. Bram Stoker's Dracula. Someday Francis Ford Coppola's gonna die, and the word "epic" will appear on his tombstone. This is unfortunate because The Godfathers I and II aside, the fat bastard works better with a small canvas. Exhibit A: The Conversation. Exhibits B and C are these Matt Dillon-eriffic coming-of-age sketches. The 80s casts are appalling and amazing-Ralph Macchio!-but the kitsch value is outweighed by the nuance and patience that went into the filmmaking. Catch both movies before they get swept under the rug again. American Museum of the Moving Image, 36-01 35th Ave. (36 St.), Astoria, 718-784-4520, call for times, free w/adm.

Grand Central Holiday Fair

We don't commute by train, so we have little occasion to visit the fantastic cheese and bread counters that sit among the stores on the Grand Central Station concourse. That changes around the holidays when, in addition to the 50 usual specialty shops, some 70 other merchants offer up their wares in Vanderbilt Hall. It's one of those one-stop shopping nexuses that make holiday shopping that much easier. 42nd St. & Park Ave. [through Dec. 24].

Sunday

Lost Highway

When asked to explain the plot of this 1997 mystery, David Lynch simply described it as a Mobius strip and left it at that. It's as good and accurate a description as we've ever heard-and that means it's another dark and confusing David Lynch film that'll make your head hurt. It's worth it, though, to see Gary Busey, Robert Loggia's driving lesson, Richard Pryor ad libbing, Jack Nance's final role and Robert Blake's "comeback performance" as a creepy, bald, heavily made-up killer. And lots of boobs, too. Cinema Classics, 332 E. 11th St. (betw. 1st & 2nd Aves.), 212-677-1027, 7, $6 [repeats Mon. & Tues. at 8].

The Man with No Name

Badass cowboy epic or bloated, overrated tedium? Opinions differ on the worth of the spaghetti Western trilogy that birthed the career of the man who would become mayor of Carmel, CA. But one thing is certain: Today, Film Forum will be playing all three of them: A Fistful of Dollars, For a Few Dollars More and The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. You can meet your cowboy movie quota for the next year all in one day! 209 W. Houston St. (betw. Varick St. & 6th Ave.), 212-727-8110, call for times, $10 per film.

Johnny Cash Tribute

The Man in Black was a figure beloved not just by country aficionados but by all of rock 'n' roll. NY Decay productions has whipped up a Johnny Cash Tribute at Knitting Factory featuring 30-plus bands doing Cash covers from 6 on. The expected psychobilly/rockabilly/neo-honky-tonk sound will be well represented by NYC/NJ locals like Speed Crazy, the Memphis Morticians, Blind Pharaohs, etc.; however, more unlikely suspects performing include members of gypsy-punk troupe Gogol Bordello, the Demolition String Band and NYC trash rock 'n' rollers Charm School (featuring near-Ramone Mickey Leigh). Proceeds will be donated to the Diabetes Association of America. Knitting Factory, 74 Leonard St. (betw. B'way & Church St.), 212-219-3006, 6, $10.

Grand Central Holiday Fair

We don't commute by train, so we have little occasion to visit the fantastic cheese and bread counters that sit among the stores on the Grand Central Station concourse. That changes around the holidays when, in addition to the 50 usual specialty shops, some 70 other merchants offer up their wares in Vanderbilt Hall. It's one of those one-stop shopping nexuses that make holiday shopping that much easier. 42nd St. & Park Ave. [through Dec. 24].

Monday

Manhattan Vintage Clothing Show

We've found the best thrift stores to be attached to hospitals: Indigent old people die, their stylin' threads end up on the rack. As with most tips for good thrifting, however, by and large this is an outer-city phenomenon. Urban dwellers turn instead to the annual Manhattan Vintage Clothing Show, where you can find jewelry, gowns, handbags, even household fabrics at bargain prices. Puck Building, 295 Lafayette St. (Houston St.), 518-434-4312, 12-8, $20 [repeats Tues. 12-7].

Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid

Bob Dylan's collaborations with Joan Baez and Johnny Cash are famed and storied. His cinematic duet with Sam Peckinpah is somewhat less so, but shouldn't be. In 1973, the cowboy splatter king tag- teamed with America's most beloved mumbly folk warbler for a cowboy tour-de-force featuring James Coburn and Kris Kristofferson. Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid lacks the glorious slo-mo violence of Wild Bunch, but is just as much an anti-western, with weird moments of still imagery and unsettling quiet punctuated with "Knocking on Heaven's Door." BAM Rose Cinema, 30 Lafayette Ave. (Ashland Pl.), Ft. Greene, 718-636-4100, 4:30, 6:50 & 9:10, $10,$7 st.,$6 s.c..

Andy Rooney

Didja ever notice how jars don't open? Didja ever notice trees? And what's with those sidewalks? Didja ever feel like killing your boss? Didja ever feel like dropping your pants on the air and showing everyone your fat ass? What's the deal with my hair? Is that much makeup really necessary? Where the hell's my check? Why do they call them "tires," anyway? Yes, these questions and more will be answered by 60 Minutes' house curmudgeon Andy Rooney, as he celebrates 25 years of kvetching with a new collection of his show-ending bits, Years of Minutes. Barnes & Noble, 2289 B'way (82nd St.), 212-362-8835, 7:30, free.

Grand Central Holiday Fair

We don't commute by train, so we have little occasion to visit the fantastic cheese and bread counters that sit among the stores on the Grand Central Station concourse. That changes around the holidays when, in addition to the 50 usual specialty shops, some 70 other merchants offer up their wares in Vanderbilt Hall. It's one of those one-stop shopping nexuses that make holiday shopping that much easier. 42nd St. & Park Ave. [through Dec. 24].

Tuesday

Simon & Garfunkel

It's eight o'clock. Do you know where your parents are? Madison Square Garden, 2 Penn Plaza (32nd St.), 212-465-MSG1, 8, $55-$255.

Grand Central Holiday Fair

We don't commute by train, so we have little occasion to visit the fantastic cheese and bread counters that sit among the stores on the Grand Central Station concourse. That changes around the holidays when, in addition to the 50 usual specialty shops, some 70 other merchants offer up their wares in Vanderbilt Hall. It's one of those one-stop shopping nexuses that make holiday shopping that much easier. 42nd St. & Park Ave. [through Dec. 24].

Contributors: CXB, Adam Bulger, Philip Henken, Jim Knipfel, Jeff Koyen, Dan Migdal and Alexander Zaitchik.