WEDNESDAY WEDNESDAY Giving Back: Volunteering in New York New York ...

Giving Back: Volunteering in New York

New York has given so much to you: paranoid jitters, respiratory system dysfunction, severe neurosis and total alienation from the rest of America. Isn't it time to give something back? This panel discussion on the "interesting & rewarding" jobs available to help New Yorkers in need could help you make a difference or just alleviate your guilt complex. New School University, 66 W. 12th St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-229-5488, 6, free.

Johnny Cash Retrospective

A three-month-long exhibit commemorating the Man in Black begins at the Museum of Television & Radio today. The museum is screening footage of his 50s and 60s television appearances, his eponymous TV show and documentary footage of his historic concert at San Quentin. We could be smarmy and awful and make a joke or something, but this is goddamn Johnny Cash we're dealing with. He was the world's most soulful speed freak, covered songs written by Will Oldham and Glenn Danzig and helped make being an American something we can almost deal with. Goodbye, Johnny. 25 W. 52nd St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-621-6600, 2, $10, $8 st./s.c.

THURSDAY

Art Spiegelman

He gained fame for his graphic novel Maus, but Art Spiegelman's been an underground comics superstar since the 1970s. The latest installment in the Little Lit series, It Was a Dark and Silly Night..., was co-edited by Spiegelman and New Yorker art director Francoise Mouly, and features short stories by Lemony Snicket, Neil Gaiman, J. Otto Seibold and many others. The tales by Gaiman and Snicket are stand-outs, as are those by Kaz and (sniff) Tony Millionaire, making this one of the best gift bets for kids and darkly childish adults. The co-editors will read and sign tonight at Coliseum Books, 11 W. 42nd St. (5th Ave.), 212-803-5890, 6, free.

Melted Men

The retarded, brilliant and irresistible electro-funk-noise of the Melted Men began in Athens, GA. Imagine the Residents meets late 70s Prince with a little Black Oak Arkansas, add in a buff, nearly naked Abe Lincoln and a little mescaline and you've got these freaks. Each show is different, and they don't come to town often enough. We'd pay just to see what strange outfits they'll have on. Tonic, 107 Norfolk St. (betw. Delancey & Rivington Sts.), 212-358-7501, 10, $7.

FRIDAY

SonicVision

Welcome to the future of Pink Floyd laser shows. The American Museum of Natural History and some obscure DJ named Moby present SonicVision, a digitally animated music show at the Hayden Planetarium featuring music by Radiohead, David Bowie, Goldfrapp, Brian Eno, among others. Listen, we know that getting really super stoned and going to this thing seems like a good idea. That's because it is. Enjoy. American Museum of Natural History, Central Park W. (79th St.), 212-769-5200; 7:30, 8:30, 9:30 & 10:30, $15.

Don Novello

Most people remember him as Father Guido Sarducci, but it was another Don Novello alter-ego, the irrepressibly American Lazlo Toth, who's been a hero of ours since the mid-70s. He was a pioneer in the art of sending sincere, if bizarre, letters to corporate heads, presidents, foreign dignitaries and others, offering advice, making bold suggestions and asking questions not normally asked of such people. Every once in a while, they'd write back. In From Bush to Bush, his third collection of correspondence, Lazlo writes to Clinton, Gore, both Bushes and asks the Pope if Earth has a "mirror planet" on the other side of the sun. Often copied, never matched, Novello will be signing his work today at Barnes & Noble, 600 5th Ave. (48th St.), 212-957-2890, 1, free.

The Realistics

Take a Beatles-esque approach to vocal harmony, and some guitar riffs that piss on everything the Stones have done recently. Mix it with some great analog synth sounds (that most bands these days aren't smart enough to utilize), and you have the Realistics. They manage to recall everything from T. Rex to Elvis Costello's pop-craft, but steer clear of mimicry. In short, they rock, and any other critic that compares them to the Jam should really get off his/her ass and buy some other records for a change. The good news is that they've been here in NYC all along. Where have you been? Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey St. (betw. Bowery & Chrystie St.), 212-533-2111, 12, $13.

SATURDAY

Czech Street Party

So what that you're not Czech? Come celebrate the founding of the first independent Czechoslovak state anyway. Consider it a protest against empires past and present?as well as a celebration of Czech beer. This year's festival mixes the traditional and modern with Prague rockers 123 Minutes, modern jazz performed by Adam Tvrdy Quartet and the local traditional dance group Limbora Slovak Folk Ensemble with dulcimer band Pajtasi. Also expect games for kids, a performance of the children's dance group Limboracek and singing performance by children from Czech School in Astoria. There will also be stands offering Czech food, crafts and books. The festival continues later at the Bohemian Hall & Garden in Astoria with free beer donated by Staropramen. Na Zdrave. 83rd St. (betw. Madison & Park Aves.), 212-288-0830 x103, 1-7, free.

Tony Danza

Saman-ta, I'm cookin' pasta over hee-ah. Tony Danza was the worst cast member of Taxi and single-handedly set back media portrayals of Italian men about three decades on Who's the Goombah. And now he's singing. Does it suck? You betcha. Get good and drugged up and cause a scene in the lobby. Feinstein's at the Regency, 540 Park Ave. (61st St.), 212-339-4095, 8:30, $11.

SUNDAY

Peaches

How cute. Really. We love it when anti-glamour girls get funky and nasty. The charming young lady known as Peaches makes guttural and minimal electro music with?get this?really filthy lyrics, many of which mention her vagina. (We know, she crazy!) It's the sort of thing that precocious women's studies majors suck down like soy lattes. Still, her beats are strong and her wordplay is slyly charming. With Electrocute, Xbxrx Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey St. (betw. Bowery & Chrystie St.), 212-533-2111, 9:30, $18.

Red Bull Flugtag

Last time we mixed Red Bull and vodka?aka a speedball without the track marks?we ended up grinding against two rather attractive Europeans in a basement dance club somewhere overseas. Don't expect that to happen to you today, when Red Bull presents Flugtag, their annual, multi-city battle of the garage nerds in which amateur aviators build ridiculous contraptions that may or may not fly for a significant distance. All, without exception, will eventually fall into the river. Hudson River Park, West St. (betw. Piers 45 & 46), 866-207-8663, 1, free.

MONDAY

Q&A with the Onion

Don't look now, but another Onion anthology has been published, this one designed to tip the leaning tower of Pisa that is the stack of previous Onion anthologies already yellowing on the back of your toilet. Ooh ooh, run to the store! Tonight, the release of The Onion Ad Nauseam: Complete News Archives Vol. 14 is celebrated by a rare live appearance of pale, wispy editors tonight at Union Square Barnes & Noble. Extra points for the first person to ask when and why the Onion stopped being funny. 33 E. 17th St. (betw. B'way & Park Ave. S.), 212-253-0810, 7, free.

TUESDAY

Eric Schlosser

As author of Fast Food Nation and Reefer Madness and an upcoming book on the American prison system, Eric Schlosser is the premier pop journalist on the map today. The thinness of his competition may make that compliment seem backhanded, but it's not. We're big fans. Tonight's event benefits "Books Through Bars New York," which, we presume, is a movement to round up and arrest all the books in New York. Huzzah! Down the tyranny of literature! Bluestockings, 172 Allen St. (betw. Stanton & Rivington Sts.), 212-777-6028; 7, $5.