WEDNESDAY 12/31 WEDNESDAY 12/31 Cabaret "The ...

WEDNESDAY 12/31

Cabaret

"The Kit Kat Club" Enjoy cocktails & an "elegantly-fabulous six-couse dinner" while the "Kit Kat Kids" perform "fully staged songs & dances"; Marion's Continental Restaurant & Lounge, 354 Bowery (betw. 4th & Great Jones Sts), 212-475-7621; 7, $57 & $120.

New Year's Eve with Eartha Kitt Batman's best & sexiest cat woman takes a break from crooning "Santa Baby," strutting before you instead w/songs of lavish excess, w/help from musical director Daryl Waters; Joe's Pub, 425 Lafayette St. (betw. E. 4th St. & Astor Pl.), RSVP 212-539-8778; 8:30 & 11:30, $150-$200.

Comedy

"Sandra Bernhard: Excuses for Bad Behavior, Part 2" Special New Year's Eve performance full of "razor-sharp wit, singular song styling & her unique brand of humor"; Ars Nova Theater, 511 W. 54th (10th Ave.), 212-868-4444 ; 8 & 10:30, $50; $150 for second show.

Boxed Laughter Stand-up comedy solves all your problems w/laughter; Jack Dempsey's Pub, 36 W. 33rd St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-629-9899; 8, $5 & 1 drink min.

Comedy Therapy Maureen Marren cures you w/laughs from nationally known comics; Otto's Shrunken Head, 538 E. 14th St. (betw. Aves. A & B), 212-228-2240; 10, free .

New Year's Eve Comedy in Times Square Ring in the New Year laughing the night away w/Russ Meneve, Mitch Fatel, Dov Davidoff, Jim David?special guest Patrice O'Neal performs at 7:30 & Kevin Meaney at 10; Carolines on Broadway, 1626 B'way (betw. 49th & 50th Sts.), 212-757-4100; www.carolines.com; 7:30 & 10, $45 & 2 drink min. at 7:30 show; $85 & 2 drink min. at 10.

New Year's Eve 2003 America's "top headliners" make you laugh till midnight during two very special shows?feat. Gregg Rogell, Robert Kelly, Allan Havey, Kevin Brennan, Ben Bailey, Mitch Fatel, Keith Robinson, Dov Davidoff, Dan Naturman, Sherrod Small & Modi; Comedy Cellar, 117 MacDougal St. (betw. Bleecker & W. 3rd Sts.), RSVP 212-254-3480; www.comedycellar.com; 8 & 10:30, $25 & 2 drink min. for first show; $50 & 2 drink min. for second show.

New Year's Eve Special Package Laugh till midnight w/Peter Bales, Jessica Kirson, Pete Correale, Sherrod Small & Kevin Brennan; Dangerfield's, 1118 1st Ave. (betw. 61st & 62nd Sts.), 212-593-1650; 8 & 10:30, $20; $75 for second show.

New Year's Eve Comedy Celebrate the New Year w/stand-up from Vic Henley, William Stephenson, Ben Bailey, Ted Alexandro, Gregg Rogell & Sherrod Small?late show feat. two-hour top shelf open bar, hors d'oeuvres & party favors ($100); Gotham Comedy Club, 34 W. 22nd St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-367-9000; 8 & 10:30, $25 & 2 drink min.

New Year's Eve Special Comedy Soapbox stand-up & open bar; the Underground Lounge, 955 West End Ave. (107th St.), 212-531-4759; 10, $35.

New Years Eve Comedy feat. two shows. First, William Stephenson hosts stand-up feat. Lenny Marcus, Vanessa Hollingshead, Kurt Metzger & Big Jay Oakerson w/one & a half-hour open bar; then Ray Ellin pres. Tony Rock, Bill McCarty, Tina Giorgi, Buddy Bolton & Modi w/three & a half-hour open bar, munchies, party favors & midnight champagne toast; Comic Strip Live, 1568 2nd Ave. (betw. 81st & 82nd Sts.), 212-861-9386, www.comicstriplive.com; 7:30 & 10:30, $50-$75.

$andy Kane's N.Y. Blew Comedy Show Cable tv princess & comic stripper makes her tits light up for New Year's & sings her classic hit, "I Love Dick!"?don't we all?!; the Eagle, 554 W. 28th St. (betw. 10th & 11th Aves.), 212-330-7043; 12 a.m., $10.

Uncensored Comedy Greg Wilson pres. a great line-up of comedians, incl. Dustin Chafin, Laura Levites, Katy Olsen & Kareem Green; Village Lantern, 167 Bleecker St. (betw. Thompson & Sullivan Sts.), 212-260-7993; 9 & 11, $4 & 1 drink min. [repeats Fri. at 11, Sat. at 9, Mon. & Tues. at 9:30].

Dance

Balanchine's The Nutcracker New York City Ballet's holiday performance of the children's classic?who's your favorite character?; NY State Theater, 20 Lincoln Center, B'way (64th St.), 212-870-5570; 7, $20-$93 [repeats Fri. at 8, Sat. at 2 & 8, Sun. at 3].

THURSDAY 1/1

Cabaret

"The Rat Pack Review" Kevin James & Frank Bray perform hits by "ol' blue eyes" & the dashing Dean?plus comedy from Al Del Bene; Nolita Tavern, 30 Spring St. (Mott St.), 917-237-1901; 9 & 11, free .

Comedy

Automatic Vaudeville Weekly comedy/variety show w/Hilly & Gavin Souchet; Ars Nova, 511 W. 54th St. (betw. 10th & 11th Aves.), 212-981-9722; 10, $5.

Dance

Vertigo Jimmy Stewart be illin' in the year's first Hitchcock screening; MOMA's Gramercy Theater, 127 E. 23rd St. (betw. Lexington & Park Aves.), 212-777-4900; 2, $6 [repeats Sun. at 4:15].

FRIDAY 1/2

Cabaret

The Bindlestiff Family Cirkus Winter Cabaret Eclectic troupe of vaudeville virtuosos, incl. talented members of Ringling Bros. & Cirque du Soleil, in their winter line-up; Palace of Variety, 125 W. 42nd St. (betw. B'way & 6th Aves.), 877-246-3537; 11, $15 [repeats Sat., through 2/28].

Floating Vaudeville Night Von Von Von hosts tango-trapezeing, rowdy, raunchy burlesque fun?go & start your year off right!; Galapagos, 70 N. 6th St. (betw. Wythe & Kent Aves.), 718-782-5188; 10 p.m.-1 a.m., $5.

The Karaoke Show The Donkey Show creators bring you their rendition of The Comedy of Errors?feel free to rock the mic or grind after the show; China Club, 268 W. 47th St. (8th Ave.), 212-398-3800; 7, $35-$55 [repeats Sat.].

"Performance Piece 27" Troop of Slovakian actors perform "downtown cabaret" w/an "exuberant collage of quirky dreamologues"?written & directed by Richard Caliban; HERE, 145 6th Ave. (betw. Spring & Dominick Sts.), RSVP 212-868-4444; 8:30, $15 [repeats Sat.].

Comedy

Gay & Lesbian Comedy Fest starring Eddie Sarfaty!; Don't Tell Mama, 343 W. 46th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-757-0788; 9.

Gilligan's Island: the Lost Episodes Marc Adam Smith directs cast of castaways through totally unauthorized parody of the series, revealing secrets incl. how Mrs. Howell packed all her clothes for the three-hour tour; Gotham City Improv, 158 W. 23rd St., 2nd fl. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-367-8222; 7:30, $10, $8 adv.

Laurie Kilmartin makes you laugh w/Mike Bocchetti as "stand-up comedy & Italian food come together" at classic comedy club; Sam's, 263 W. 45th St. (8th Ave.), 212-719-3020; 8, $10 & $10 min.

Komedy Kebob Tim Brennan & Pat Rigby host live comedy in da burg?if you still dare go; Bar 107, 107 N. 6th St. (betw. Berry & Wythe Sts.), Williamsburg, 718-302-3313; 8:30, free .

Juston McKinney Former cop does stand-up w/Mike Birbiglia & Wali Collins; Gotham Comedy Club, 34 W. 22nd St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-367-9000; 8:30 & 10:30, $16 & 2 drink min. [repeats Sat. at 8:30, 10:30 & 12:30 a.m.].

Noo Yawk Tawk New York Times-acclaimed multi-ethnic improv directed by Richmond Shepard... you know, if you can tawk the tawk; Sophia's, 221 W. 46th St. (betw. B'way & 8th Ave.), 212-868-4444; 11, $10.

$andy Kane's New York Blew Comedy Show Cable TV legend & comic stripper performs "I Love Dick," w/Seymour Swan, Ron Jackson, Mike Worthington & Mark DeMaeo; NY Comedy Club, 241 E. 24th St. (betw. 2nd & 3rd Aves.), 212-696-5233; 11:30, $10 & 2 drink min. [repeats Sat.].

3-Way Mexican Lei Try the Berkovits wit & the nachos grande. Floridian Duncan Jay & Long Islander Allegra Barnett also pres. stand-up; Maui Tacos, 330 5th Ave. (betw. 32nd & 33rd Sts.), 212-868-9720; 8, 6:30 sign-up, 1 item min.

William Stephenson hosts stand-up feat. Kurt Metzger, Ellen Cleghorn, Rick Mann, Vanessa Hollingshead & Cory Kahaney; Comic Strip Live, 1568 2nd Ave. (betw. 81st & 82nd Sts.), 212-861-9386; 8:30, 10:30 & 12.30, $17.

SATURDAY 1/3

Cabaret

Le Scandal Striptease, magic & sideshow acts put "downtown edge & dash of Coney Island" on nouveau burlesque & vaudeville show; Cutting Room, 19 W. 24th St. (betw. B'way & 6th Ave.), 212-868-4444; 10:30, $20.

"Little Bit of Love: Evning with Lubka Bubkova & Friends" Margaret Dodge channels cosmetologist Bubkova, to bring you a little bit of comedic & musical madness; Collective Unconscious, 145 Ludlow St. (betw. Stanton & Rivington Sts.), 212-254-5277; 10, $8.

Sinatra Saturdays Cary Hoffman performs Sinatra classics w/the Stan Rubin Orchestra; Carnegie Club, 156 West 56th St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-957-9676; 8 & 10, $30 & 2 drink min.

Comedy

Bohack Pseudo-band pres. their own blend of stand-up, cabaret, hard rock & ridiculousness; Parkside Lounge, 317 E. Houston St. (Attorney St.), 212-673-6270; 11:30.

The Brooklyn Brew-Ha-Ha MC Susan Prekel hosts Larry Getlen, Patrick Borelli, Rena Zager & more; Boudoir Bar, 273 Smith St. (betw. Sackett & Degraw), Carroll Gardens, 718-624-8878; 9:30.

Mike King does stand-up w/Greg Vacarello, Dean Obedallah, Sherry Davy & Laurie Kilmartin; NY Comedy Club, 241 E. 24th St. (betw. 2nd & 3rd Aves.), 212-696-5233; 8, 10 & 12, $10 & 2 drink min.

Dance

Argentine Tango Party Join Daniel & Maria, Madonna's Evita dance coaches & Maradona's compatriots, for an evening of dancing for couples & singles of all ages?first hour is a group lesson, jackets req. for men; 92nd St. Y, 1395 Lexington Ave. (92nd St.), 212-415-5500; 8 p.m.-2 a.m., $15.

Dance On the Camera Festival Opening reception of 2004 Winter Dance Project's photography exhibit, w/works by Mike Van Sleen, Meital Hershkovitz, Julie Lamberger & Lina Jing, feat. installation performance by Human Kinetics; Puffin Room, 435 Broome St. (betw. B'way & Crosby St.), 212-343-2881; 6:30, free .

"House of No More" Caden Manson's "theater of images for the new century is born: rapid, w/out concessions, violent & consuming itself at 100 miles an hour"-the French; P.S. 122, 150 1st Ave. (9th St.), 212-477-5288; 8:30, $17 [repeats Sun. at 5].

SUNDAY 1/4

Cabaret

"The Muftee Show" Hayden Tee's "wild & wacky cabaret act" comes to our neck of the woods, after a seven-month run in Australia; Mama Rose's, 219 2nd Ave. (betw. 13th & 14th Sts.), 212-533-0558; 9, $15 & 2 drink min. [repeats Mon.].

Comedy

New York's Best Comics Pay Homage to Lenny Bruce An emphasis on satire feat. Dave Attel, Lewis Black, Jim Norton & more; Stand-Up New York, 236 W. 78th St. (B'way), 212-595-0850; 9.

Laugh Sucka! They mean it, or they'll bust yo' ass. Joe Polacik hosts Jason Sokoloff, Vince Martin, Tasha Space, Jen Scanlin, Bobby Johnson, Brian Elliott, Melanie Klein, Molly Reisner & Amy Mahfouz; Via Della Pace, 48 E. 7th St. (2nd Ave.), 212-253-5803; 7, 1 drink min.

Dance

Ellis Wood/WoodDance pres. "Joan in the Mud"?exploring female attitudes through dance & mud; 92nd St. Y, 1395 Lexington Ave. (92nd St.), 212-415-5500; 3, $10.

MONDAY 1/5

Cabaret

Chester Gregory & Shoshana Bean Hairspray performers & accomplished singersbelt out songs from their own projects & cover classics too!; Joe's Pub, 425 Lafayette St. (betw. E. 4th St. & Astor Pl.), 212-539-8778; 7, $15.

Monday Evening Burlesque Julie Atlas Muz leads classic, tassle-twirling fun & gets naughty w/Serena Vixen & Harvest Moon; Galapagos, 70 N. 6th St. (betw. Wythe & Kent Aves.), 718-782-5188; 9:30, free .

Maritess Zurbano combines dramatic dialogue w/live magic, mind reading & slight of hand. Prepare to have your mind boggled; Blue Velvet, 227 1st Ave. (betw. 13 & 14 Sts.), 212-260-9808; 7, $10 & 2 drink min.

Comedy

"Blue Mondays" Tony Woods pres. super stand-up from Todd Lynn, Dean Edwards, Steve Byrne, Kyle Grooms, Dawnel Rawlings, and Rondel Hartley; Boston Comedy Club, 82 W. 3rd St. (betw. Thompson & Sullivan Sts.), 212-477-1000; 9:30, $5 & 1 drink min.

Greg Contreras does stand-up; Village Lantern, 167 Bleecker St. (betw. Thompson & Sullivan Sts.), 212-260-7993; 6:30, free .

Ed Sullivan On Acid Pat O'Shea hosts stand-up feat. Patrick Borelli, Bruan Olsen, Amber Tozer, Pat Rigby, Joe Rocha, Rhett Thompson, Johanna Buccola, Jon Friedman & Amanda Grumet; Freddy's Backroom, 485 Dean St. (6th Ave.), Bklyn, 718-622-7035; 9:30, free .

Russ Meneve performs stand-up w/John Priest, Billy Burr, Rob Magnotti, Jessica Kirson & Greg Rogell; Dangerfield's, 1118 1st Ave. (betw. 61st & 62nd Sts.), 212-593-1650; 8:45, $12.50 [repeats Tues.].

Colin Quinn Funny man performs stand-up w/Dov Davidoff, Kevin Brennan, Godfrey & Jim Norton; Comedy Cellar, 117 MacDougal St. (betw. Bleecker & W. 3rd Sts.), 212-254-3480, www.comedycellar.com; 9 & 11, $10 & 2 drink min. [repeats Tues.].

Paul Scheer & Dannah Feinglass host evening feat. Rena Zager, D.C. Benny, Dan Newbower & more; Luna Lounge, 171 Ludlow St. (betw. Houston & Stanton Sts.), 212-260-2323; 8:30, $8.

TUESDAY 1/6

Cabaret

Lilly Lipid's Open Mic Variety Night Share the stage w/acrobats, jugglers, magicians, dancers, clowns, drag kings & queens, creepy mimes & aerialists; Palace of Variety, 125 W. 42nd St. (betw. B'way & 6th Aves.), 877-246-3537; 9:30, $5 [through 2/24].

THEATER

RECENTLY OPENED

Anna in the Tropics Jimmy Smits makes his B'way debut in Pulitzer-Prize winning play; Royale Theater, 242 W. 45th St. (betw. B'way & 8th Ave.), 212-239-6200; Wed.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, mats. Wed. & Sat. at 2, Sun. at 3, $81.25-$21.25.

Aunt Dan and Lemon Star of Princess Bride, co-author of My Dinner with Andre & son of famed New Yorker editor William Shawn offers new production of his "political horror story"; Kirk Theater, 410 W. 42nd St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-279-4200; call for times, $50 [through 1/31].

Beckett/Albee Hear their monologues back to back & begin to wonder who plagarized whom; Century Center for the Performing Arts, 115 E. 15th St. (betw. Park & 3rd Aves.), 800-490-1175; call for times, $65 [through 1/25].

Birdy A new play by Naomi Wallace, adapted from the novel by William Wharton (which the Nick Cage film was based on); The Women's Project Theatre, 424 W. 55th St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-239-6200; call for times, $45 [through 2/1].

Carnival Knowledge "A gasp-inducing journey into the subculture of circus and sideshow"; Soho Playhouse, 15 Vandam St. (6th Ave.), 212-691-1555; Thurs. & Fri. at 8, Sat. at 5 & 8, mat. Sun. at 3, $35-$45.

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof Starring Ashley Judd, Jason Patric & Ned Beatty; Music Box Theatre, 239 W. 45th St. (6th Ave.), 212-239-6200; call for times, $86.25-$66.25.

The Chalk Garden Play by Enid Bagnold made into film starring Hayley Mills; Center Stage, 48 W. 21st St., 4th fl. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves), 718-274-7966; Wed.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, mat. Sun. at 3, $10.

Charles Phoenix's God Bless Americana: The Retro Holiday Slide Show "Celebrate the holidays like you never have before: with other people's amazing old Kodachrome slides of their best New Year's Eves, Halloweens, Thanksgivings, and of course, Christmas days"; Pyramid Club, 101 Ave. A (6th St.), 212-228-4888; call for times, $17-$20 [through 1/15].

"A Christmas Carol" as Dickens Would Have Wanted It Special holiday reading as Dickens performed the piece?alone; Eagles Dare Theatre, 347 W. 36th St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-868-4444; call for times, $10-$30 [through 1/11].

Christmas Revels "Celebration of winter solstice transports audiences to the Florence of Leonardo Da Vinci" (American Sign Language Performance Sun. at 2); Leonard Nimoy Thalia, Peter Norton Symphony Space, 2537 B'way (95th St.), 212-864-5400; call for times, $21-$42 [through 1/4].

Christmas with Tommy Makem "joyous blend of festive holiday songs, poems and stories, including a reading of Dylan Thomas' A Child's Christmas in Wales"; Irish Repertory Theatre, 132 W. 22 St. (6th Ave.), 212-727-2737; call for times & prices [through 1/18].

The Colleen Bawn "A mother desperate to save her home, a son desperate to hide his bride and a servant desperate enough to do anything set in motion a raucous chain of events, though happy endings are the order of the day in this Victorian melodrama"; Irish Repertory Theatre, 132 W. 22 St. (6th Ave.), 212-727-2737; call for times, $40-$45 [through 1/11].

Diss Diss and Diss Dat "A new hiphop musical based on the music of the Funke Natives, well-known Harlem rappers of the late 80s and early 90s"; Henry St. Settlement Abrons Arts Center, 466 Grand St. (Pitt St.), 212-598-0400; Wed.-Fri. at 7:30, Sat. at 8, mats. Sat. & Sun. at 3, $30 [through 1/18].

Dolphin Up a Tree Children's musical feat. Tina Talkington, who turns herself into many things incl. a dolphin & a tree; 78th Street Theater Lab, 236 W. 78th St. (B'way), 212-873-9050; Sun. at 11 a.m., $12.95 [through 4/1].

Eat Fest: Fall 2003 "Ambitious, short-play festival"; John Houseman Theater, 450 W. 42nd St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-206-1515; call for times & prices [through 1/25].

The Exonerated Four real-life, former death-row inmates who were eventually acquited portray themselves for one week in long-runnng, off-B'way play; 45 Bleecker St., 45 Bleecker St. (Lafayette St.), 212-307-4100; call for times & prices.

Fathers and Sons Based on the novel by Ivan Turgenev; Florence Gould Hall, French Institute, 55 E. 59th St. (betw. Madison & Park Aves.), 212-355-6160; Sat. & Mon. at 7:30, mat. Sun. at 2, $20 [through 1/5].

Golda's Balcony Tova Feldshuh portrays "the rise of Golda Meir from impoverished Russian schoolgirl to prime minister"; Helen Hayes Theatre, 240 W. 44th St. (betw. 7th & 8th Aves.), 212-239-6200; call for times & prices.

The Good Faith: 1940-1990 "Musical drama of good intentions, betrayal & misplaced devotion among Jehovah's Witnesses"; La MaMa E.T.C., 74A E. 4th St. (betw. Bowery & 2nd Ave.), 212-475-7710; call for times, $15 [through 1/18].

Holiday From the author of The Philadelphia Story; Gallery Players, 199 14th St. (betw. 4th & 5th Aves.), Park Slope, 718-595-0547; call for times, $15, $12 st./s.c [through 1/18].

Hoopla, Such Is Life "Theater and music in roaring-twenties Berlin"; Center for Jewish History, 15 W. 16th St. (5th Ave.), 212-294-8301; Wed. at 7.

The Lark "In this classic drama, which is surprisingly humorous, this fabled telling by Jean Anouilh about the life and legend of Joan of Arc is literally dramatized in front of Joan's persecutors"; Sanford Meisner Theater, 164 11th Ave. (betw. 22nd & 23rd Sts.), 212-543-9662; Wed.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, mat. Sun. at 3, $25 [through 1/25].

The Last Letter a new play adapted from Vasily Grossman's novel of Russia during World War II?Life and Fate; Lucille Lortel Theatre, 121 Christopher St. (betw. Hudson & Bleecker Sts.), 212-239-6200; call for times, $60.

The Last Supper "Honest-to-God dinner theater" in the playwright's own pad; Ed Schmidt's Apartment, 154 W. 27th St., #4W (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 718-499-7758; Fri. & Sat. at 7, $50-$75.

Life Interrupted Spalding Gray's latest work-in-progress; P.S. 122, 150 1st Ave. (9th St.), 212-477-5288; Sun. & Mon. at 7:30, $20 [through 2/2].

Lilia! Libby Skala plays her grandmother, a Hitler refugee turned zipper factory employee turned Broadway star; Eagles Dare Theatre, 347 W. 36th St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-868-4444; Mon. & Tues. at 7, $20 [through 1/27].

Love & Taxes Josh Kornbluth's comedy monlogue finally makes it's way east; Bank Street Theatre, 155 Bank St. (betw. Washington & West Sts.), 212-561-963, tkts 212-868-4444; call for times & prices [through 1/11].

Mahler: the Man Who Was Never Born "A stranger from another universe...a troubled young man...and a beautiful woman seer will embark upon a journey to change the course of history, but the history of which world"?just a wee bit over our heads; Producer's Club, 358 W. 44th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-352-3101; call for times, $15-$20 [through 1/25].

Matt & Ben "What if the only thing standing between you and destiny was Ben Affleck?"; P.S. 122, 150 1st Ave. (9th St.), 212-477-5288; call for times, $22.50.

Menopause The Musical "is the parody that chronicles the meeting of four women at a lingerie sale in Bloomingdale's fighting over a black lace bra with nothing in common but memory loss, hot flashes, night sweats, chocolate binges, wrinkles, plastic surgery, hormones, not enough sex, too much sex, and much more"; Playhouse 91, 316 E. 91st St. (2nd Ave.), 212-307-4100; call for times & prices.

Moms "Veteran stage and television actress Clarice Taylor is resurrecting America's first female stand-up comedienne, Jackie "Moms" Mabley, for the off-Broadway stage"; Kirk Theater, 410 W. 42nd St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-279-4200; call for times & prices.

Moo! The Twisted Tale of Dinky Farms "Animal Farm meets 'Looney Tunes'"; Manhattan Theatre Source, 177 MacDougal St. (W. 8th St.), 212-501-4751; Wed.-Sat. at 8, $15 [through 1/3].

Moscow Circus on Ice They have skating bears & dogs! Thank god for second-world countries?that's gotta be illegal here...or at least involve a heavy fine; the Millennium Theater, 1029 Brighton Beach Ave. (11th St.), Brighton Beach, 212-307-7171; call for times, $30-$60.

The Musical of Musicals?The Musical! "In a comic satire of musical theater genres, one story becomes five musicals, each in the distinctive style of a different master of the form, from Rodgers and Hammerstein to Stephen Sondheim"; St. Peter's Church, 619 Lexington Ave. (54th St.), 212-935-2200; call for times, $20-$50 [through 2/1].

My Big Gay Italian Wedding Needless to say, the plot revolves around a few obstacles to a traditional Catholic affair...; Actor's Playhouse, 100 7th Ave. S. (betw. Bleecker & Christopher Sts.), 212-239-6200; Fri. at 10, mat. Sat. at 3, $40 [through 3/7].

No Exodus "A barefoot and stuttering Shepard is approached by God and asked to go back to Egypt to confront the powerful Pharaoh. Armed with little more than a phrase, 'I am that I am,' he unhappily obliges"; John Houseman Theater, 450 W. 42nd St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-206-1515; call for times & prices [through 1/10].

The Nuclear Family You decide which family member each of these three men portray, they make up the songs; Zipper Theater, 336 W. 37th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-239-6200; call for times, $20.

Precious "is a raucous comedy about the friendship between 17 year-old girls Maxine Weinstein, a transplanted New Yorker, and Precious, an eccentric debutante in Dallas, Texas"; Common Basis Theater, 750 8th Ave. (46th St.), 212-414-5420; call for times & prices [through 1/4].

The Rivals Richard Brinsley Sheridan's 18th century farce; Theatre 80, 80 St. Mark's Pl. (betw. 1st & 2nd Aves.), 212-598-9802; call for times & prices [through 1/11].

Roadhouse: The Stage Version of the Cinema Classic that Starred Patrick Swayze, Except This One Stars Taimak from the 80s Cult Classic The Last Dragon Wearing a Blonde Mullet Wig It seems obvious there is only one, or rather two, things to add: Who will replace Jeff Healey & Sam Elliott; Clemente Soto Velez Cultural Center, 107 Suffolk St. (betw. Delancey & Rivington Sts.), 718-637-3527; call for times & prices [through 1/10].

A Rockette's Tail Just in time for the holidays, but leave the kiddies at home; Eagles Dare Theatre, 347 W. 36th St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-868-4444; Sat. at 8, Sun. at 7, $20 [through 2/8].

Russian Strip Set in 1950s-era Soviet Union, plays in conjunction w/An American Heart (about "Jebediah Hankering, an aging, alcohol-swilling reprobate, ensconced in a medical center by his self-righteous sister"; Wings Theatre, 154 Christopher St. (Washington St.), 212-502-0318; Mon. & Tues. at 8, $19 [through 1/27].

Sholom Aleichem?Now You're Talking! "Humorist and icon of Jewish literature will once again entertain a new generation with Saul Reichlin, international hit"; DR2 Theatre, 103 E. 15th St. (Park Ave. S.), 212-239-6200; call for times, $36.

Sleepless Fishes "An elctro-accordian, pirate-puppet sea odyssey"?what, no shanties?; Bowery Poetry Club, 308 Bowery (betw. Bleecker & Houston Sts.), 212-614-0505; Fri. at 10, $7 [through 2/13].

A Stoop on Orchard Street From Eastern Europe to the Lower East Side; the Mazer, 197 E. B'way (betw. Clinton & Jefferson Sts.), 212-352-3101; call for times, $25-$45.

Taboo Boy George & Rosie O'Donnell pull a Thelma & Louise...but will someone yell "cut" before they go over the edge?; Plymouth Theater, 236 W. 45th St. (6th Ave.), 212-239-6200; call for times, $80-$100.

Tales from the Manhattan Woods New musical based on Die Fledermaus; Wings Theatre, 154 Christopher St. (Washington St.), 212-502-0318; call for times, $24.50-$37.50 [through 2/7].

Tape "pits two best friends against each other when one tries to get the other to reveal that he date raped a girl they both went out with in high school ten years before"; the Flatiron Playhouse, 119 W. 23rd St. (6th Ave.), 212-868-4444; call for times, $15 [through 1/24].

Terrotica: An Erotic Nightmare "is about the link between fear and arousal"; Ohio Theater, 66 Wooster St. (betw. Spring & Broome Sts), 212-966-4844 or 212-358-3657; Wed.-Sat. at 8, $15-$20 [through 1/3].

Under Milk Wood Dylan "do not go gentle" Thomas' lyrical drama; Theatre 3, 311 W. 43rd St. (8th Ave.), 212-868-4444; Wed.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, mat. Sun. at 3, $15-$50 [through 1/11].

What's Your Karma? English clairvoyant Lilith Dove selects audience members at random (via raffle) to reveal their past lives & "hidden talents"; Producer's Club, 358 W. 44th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-352-3101; call for times, $35 [through 2/13].

Wicked New musical inspired by the novel inspired by the novel/movie The Wizard of Oz (& starring Joel Grey); Gershwin Theatre, 222 W. 51st St. (6th Ave.), 212-307-4100; call for times, $40-$100.

Windows of Lucidity A "light-hearted story about the voices in your head"; Don't Tell Mama, 343 W. 46th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-757-0788; call for times & prices [through 1/8].