WED Wed. 9/10 Billy Idol "Pick it up. Take ...

Billy Idol

"Pick it up. Take me back home, yeah." Nearing the half-century mark, Billy's still got those peroxide spikes and his trademark lip curl. Billy Idol is Billy Idol 24/7, which has got to be weird. Give him props, though: He's Middlesex's wild child and can still rock that cradle of love. Pray he got all the Simple Minds covers out of his system on Greatest Hits, and submit to some serious Idol worship. Hammerstein Ballroom Manhattan Center, 311 W. 34th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-307-7171, 8, $32.

How to Evaluate Mutual Funds

Here's a hint for investing in mutual funds: don't. Throughout the 90s, mutual funds were considered a safe investment because they spread investors' money into a wide variety of stocks. It was kind of like being automatically diversified. Then the Enron-led market crash killed that theory. In the wake of New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer's investigations, the S.E.C. is now looking into whether large investors are making large mutual fund trades after the market closes. They'll take your money until you commit suicide, then give it to a bigger and therefore better investor. How to Evaluate Mutual Funds should offer fascinating insight into the world of finance. There's no prior knowledge necessary, and it's free, so at least they won't rob you at the lecture. New School University, 66 W. 12th St. #407 (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-229-5682, 6, free.

Thurs. 9/11

Sept. 11 Comedy Slam

The maudlin can grab a candle and go cry in Union Square. We'll be down at the 9/ll Comedy Slam, where comics and performers will be attacking terrorists-and the Bush Family, and the CIA and the FBI. Hosted by provocateur VoxFux, expect funny rants, strange video and music (including the underground 9/11 hit song "Twin Towers Reactivate!"). Other performers include the hostile-but-hilarious Laura D., the always-strange music duo "Secrets," anti-everything filmmaker Nick Zedd and many more. Plus very special guest, Osama bin Laden! BYOB, and have a happy anniversary! Collective: Unconscious, 145 Ludlow St. (betw. Stanton & Rivington Sts.), 212-254-5277, 10, $12.

The Purple Organ

This freak doesn't come out and play much anymore, which infuriates his fans. His shows aren't always the same, but often he'll have small guitar amplifiers strapped to his body over an unbelievable costume. Normally, the crazier the outfit, the smaller the talent. The Purple Organ's passionate singing and his acoustic bass and guitar playing proves him to be the exception to that rule. And you'll love his filthy lyrics. Sin-é, 150 Attorney St. (betw. Houston & Stanton Sts.), 212-388-0077, 8, $7.

Fri. 9/12

Chuck Palahniuk

Since the success of Fight Club-the perfect book for disaffected 16-year-olds who've never read anything else-Chuck Palahniuk has been touted as "America's favorite nihilist." His terse, clumsy response to a recent bad review in Salon, however, reveals him to be as whiny and desperate as anyone else. It doesn't matter to his slavish, blindsided fans, though, who'll gobble up whatever heavy-handed crap he has to offer. This time, it's Diary-the story of a would-be artist working as a maid in a resort hotel. As she keeps watch over her comatose husband (victim of a failed suicide attempt), and as the rest of her life falls apart, she may or may not suddenly find herself possessed by the spirit of a 19th-century painter. He'll be reading to a room jam-packed with wide-eyed worshippers at the Barnes & Noble, 33 E. 17th St. (betw. B'way & Park Ave. S.), 212-253-0810, 7, free.

The Hunger

This is the first of two vampire movies haunting this week, and it sucks. Blood, that is! Bwah ha ha! A post Ziggy Stardust and pre-Labyrinth David Bowie stars alongside Nouvelle Vague hottie Catherine Deneuve and liberal-cause betty Susan Sarandon in The Hunger, a slow-bleeding, convoluted near- masterpiece. From the opening strains of Bauhaus' "Bela Lugosi's Dead" to the notoriously dope lesbian scene, you'll almost understand why all that 80s goth shit seemed like a good idea at the time. Almost. Landmark Sunshine Cinema, 143 E. Houston St. (betw. 1st & 2nd Aves.), 800-555-TELL; 12 a.m., $10, $6.50 s.c.

Sat. 9/13

Nebula

You could call Nebula another example of the rock revivalist trend sort of sweeping the nation. And you'd be right. Sludge blues riffs, wah-wah pedals and Bonham beats abound. But you'd also be wrong. The mediocrity omnipresent in most rock revivalism is omni-absent here. Just boogying, PBR-swilling fun punctuated by rocking guitar solos. Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey St. (betw. Bowery & Chrystie Sts.), 212-533-2111, 10, $14.

Om Trio

Do not be fooled. Their management seems to be trying to position OM Trio as one of them hippie jazz bands, but it's better than that. This is intense music for your head. By turns heavy, funky and psychedelic, this deceptively dorky-looking trio makes music that is striking and strange enough to blast away the stink of patchouli oil. Knitting Factory, 74 Leonard St. (betw. B'way & Church St.), 212-219-3006, 11:30, $10.

The Golden Girls: Live

New York Press decided that it was time to get around to thanking you for being a friend. How? By telling you about The Golden Girls: Live. An all male cast performs some of the most memorable episodes of this nominally classic sitcom. Dorothy, Blanche, Rose and Sophia would be proud. The rest of us will be, by turns, entertained and appalled. Every Rose's Turn, 55 Grove St. (betw. 7th Ave. & Christopher St.), 212-366-5438, 11, $15 & two drink min.

Sun. 9/14

Dracula

Our second vampire movie is bloodsucking-freak film Dracula, playing at the Brooklyn Lyceum. As the dapper Count, Bela Lugosi does not drink wine, but rocks the party Eddie Munster-style in pancake makeup and costume-store cape. (Bizarre biographical note: Bela was buried in that same get-up. Vincent Price claimed that Peter Lorre said "Do you think we should drive a stake through his heart just in case?" during the funeral. Proceeds benefit Saved in Time. 227 4th Ave. (betw. Union & President Sts.), Bklyn, 718-857-4816, RSVP www.gowanus.com, 8:30, $8.

Mon. 9/15

David Byrne

If there's anyone who knows how to find emotion in the strangest places, it's David Byrne. From his odd and beautiful music with the Talking Heads to his novel written in English and Spanish, The New Sins/Los Nuevos Pecados, he finds truths where most of us just stare blankly. In Wired Icons: A Conversation with David Byrne, he will discuss that perennially repugnant corporate software, PowerPoint, as a tool for making great art. Byrne sees PowerPoint as a "metaprogram." We don't have his imagination or intelligence, so we're not exactly sure how he's going to do that. Maybe he'll say, "Same as it ever was. Next slide please. Same as it ever was. Next slide please." 92nd St. Y, 1395 Lexington Ave. (92nd St.), 212-415-5500, 8, $25.

Tues. 9/16

Adam Green

Anti-folk enthusiasts rest assured, the Moldy Peaches' Adam Green has come a long way from the low-fi "aren't we cute-we recorded this on a boom-box" tone of the Peaches debut. On his latest offering, Friends of Mine, there are string arrangements by Jane Scarpantoni and Steven Mertens that lift the songs right out of the speakers and drive home the wit and humor in his lyrics. With his reverberated croon intact, anyone who can sing lyrics like "Everyone's fucking my princess" and sound totally casual about it is worth having a drink with in our book. His band is playing with a string section. Knitting Factory, 74 Leonard St. (betw. B'way & Church St.), 212-219-3006, 8, $10.

Contributors: CXB, Adam Bulger, James Griffith, Jim Knipfel, Dan Migdal, Dennis Tyhacz