WED Wed. 7/23 Calling All Freaks—Casting Call Todd ...

Calling All Freaks-Casting Call

Todd Robbins has a problem-and he needs your help. One of America's greatest living sideshow performers is opening a new show at the SoHo Playhouse in August, and he doesn't have enough freaks. Specifically, he's looking for a charismatic midget to understudy for Little Jimmy ("The Little Wonder") and a "sexy assistant-type" to understudy for his sexy assistant (whose jobs include being electrocuted, poked with swords and getting turned into a gorilla). Even if you don't fit either description but are congenitally deformed in some way or possess a particularly grotesque skill, give it a shot. Understudies are desperately needed-and in short supply-because it's an incredibly dangerous show. So if you've got what it takes, or are simply a little off in the head, get your freakish ass over there. No experience necessary. Soho Playhouse, 15 Vandam St. (6th Ave.), 212-691-1555, 10:30 a.m., free.

Benefit For LTTR #2

Forget those snoozer Pride events: This is the queer event of the summer. Feminist journal LTTR (was "Lesbians to the Rescue"; this issue is "ListenTranslateTranslateRecord") is about to birth issue #2, and high-quality handmade art journals cost money that struggling-artist queer girls just don't have. Luckily, LTTR has some heavy-hitter friends who are coming to the rescue in the form of a benefit party: Tracy & the Plastics, Lesbians on Ecstacy, Wikkid, DJs JD of Le Tigre, Lez Celeb, Lambchop. And more. Luxx, 256 Grand St. (betw. Driggs Ave. & Roebling St.), Williamsburg, 718-599-1000, 9 p.m., sliding scale.

Thurs. 7/24

Trolls and More Trolls!

For her birthday party-cum-opening-cum-book launch, Reverend Jen, the infamous elf-eared, go-go-boot-wearing, self-proclaimed Art Star and Patron Saint of the Uncool, spirits the world's only Troll Museum from the living room of her tenement walk-up to Chelsea's Printed Matter. Marvel at a collection rumored to include trolls of the pregnant, two-headed and face-burned-off-by-a-blowtorch variety, watch a live performance of her epic puppet show musical, Les Misrahi and peruse her travel guide to the LES, Reverend Jen's Really Cool Neighborhood. Let the Reverend be the "Virgil to your Dante" and discover salvation in a slice of Sal's, deliverance in a dildo, and the blessings of the 24-oz. Bud. There'll even be birthday cake. 535 W. 22nd St. (betw. 10th & 11th Aves.), 212-925-0325, 6, free.

Dixie Fun Dance Theatre

A challenge almost as difficult as discovering how a raven is like a writing desk is finding a woman who likes her body. It's even harder to find healthy attitudes in the world of dance-but Dixie FunLee Shulman and her company, Dixie Fun Dance Theatre, are trying to change all that. In "The Thinnest Woman with the Fewest Wrinkles Wins," choreography ranging from Broadway-style dance to bump-and-grind jazz to typical minimalist modern movement is set on the company's six dancers along with women of all ages from the community in an effort to change people's expectations of women's bodies. Joyce Soho, 155 Mercer St. (betw. Houston & Prince Sts.), 212-334-7479, 8, $15.

Dismemberment Plan

This may really be it, friends of emo or art rock or jam bands or however you want to classify the wonderfully versatile Dismemberment Plan. Call them indie-rock saviors, call them time-signature-changing goofballs, call them the thinking man's Dave Matthews Band. But if you care enough to call them anything at all, you might want to come say goodbye at their farewell shows in New York tonight and tomorrow. Oh, it's going to be some marvelous clusterfuck onstage when the fans dance to "Ice of Boston" for the last time. Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey St. (betw. Bowery & Chrystie St.), 212-533-2111, 9, $15.

Static at filter 14

Fancy a dose of the dopest electro and techno bass? Satamile, gotham's darkest electro imprint, will deliver the creme de la creme of UK and Ireland's four-on-the-floor to your door. Well, to Filter 14, actually. Tonight, London's electronic maverick Mark Broom, whose career includes highly acclaimed releases on such labels as Warp, Tresor, Mo' Wax and his own Pure Plastic, will be showcasing his mixing skills. Dublin's finest experimentalists, Decal, will play in support of their new album, while Glasgow hero and Soma recording artist Percy X completes the trinity with his melodic house and nu-electro beats. 432 W. 14th St. (betw. Washington St. & 9th Ave.), 212-366-5680, 10, $10.

Fri. 7/25

Crypt Records and Dot Dash

Celebrating anniversaries, Crypt Records and Dot Dash are whooping it up for two nights with a slew of bands, including the Spits from Seattle, the Black Lips from Atlanta and local heroes the Little Killers and Some Action. Oh yeah, and let's not forget the Baseball Furies from Chicago and Nikki Corvette, who has been MIA since 1982. Sin-e, 150 Attorney St., (betw. Houston & Stanton Sts.), 212-388-0077, 8, $12.

Sat. 7/26

The Carlsonics

Hailing from DC, the Carlsonics are a five-piece parade with the sonic energy of a Molotov cocktail. Taking equal inspiration from the Stones' song craft and some crunch from the Stooges, and spinning song titles like "Ice People" and "Tonight We Dine on Fumes," what's not to like? Their debut album is coming out next month on Brooklyn's own Arena Rock Records, but we'll be sure to see them first at the Arthur magazine party at Pianos, 158 Ludlow St. (betw. Stanton & Rivington Sts.), 212-505-3733, 9, $7.

Sun. 7/27

Bruce Springsteen

Quit yer bitching. The man plays four-hour shows and has a member of the Sopranos family on lead guitar. So drop the half-assed posing, rear back and scream "Bruuuuuuce!" Feels good, right? Gas up the pick-up truck and head out to Jersey's storied marshlands to check out the show. The Boss ain't just for suburban dudes in Dockers anymore-and he never was, anyhow. This is his last night-be there or be too hip to be square. Giants Stadium, 50 Route 120, 201-935-3900, 7:30, $55-$75.

The Kick Ass Clown Cabaret

Not just one troupe of clowns. Many, many troupes of clowns. Bring the kids. We don't think they're twitching enough. The beer is free, so drink enough to get vertigo, and The Kick Ass Clown Cabaret could be like one of those nightmares from Fellini films. Scheduled performers include Mr. Mustard and the John Brown Clowns as well as live music from the Depressionaries. Peoples Improv Theater, 154 W. 29th St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-563-7488, 8, $12, $6 w/tie.

Mon. 7/28

South Africa Now

A decade ago, the award-winning tv series South Africa Now helped bring down Apartheid. Now its successor returns with an in-depth look at the new South Africa. Tonight is the first public screening of the new series, followed by a panel discussion with David Dinkins, Thami Ngwevela, Voza Rivers, Tsidii Le Loka, moderated by Globalvision's Danny Schechter. After that it's live music from Junior Mambazo and assorted South African flava. Chashama, 125 W. 42nd St. (betw. 6th Ave. & B'way), rsvp 212-246-0202 x3016, screening at 6:30, panel at 7, followed by party, free.

Tues. 7/29

Ringo Starr & His All Starr Band

Hands-down, Ringo is the coolest Beatle-and the odds-on fave to be the last Liverpool shark standing. (Paul's gonna choke on a bad piece of tofu one of these days, mark our words.) Lil' Richie Starkey's bringing his laidback, soft-hitting charm to Radio City Music Hall. Will he open or close with "A Little Help from My Friends"? Or both? 1260 6th Ave. (51st St.), 212-307-7171, 8, $39.50-$79.50.

Contributors: Adam Bulger, Katharine Crane, Lucia Udvardyová, Art Janik, Mallory Jensen, Jim Knipfel, Judy McGuire, George Tabb and Alexander Zaitchik.