Time for Love Time for Love If youre planning ...
If you're planning to get randy this summer and want some special lingerie or other, um, equipment to help complete the scene, here are two places that can help:
Certain combinations of words are irresistible to me: chocolate-covered pretzels, gin and tonic, bank and account. A store called Bab's Sportswear (4001 B'way at 168th St.; 923-8004)? Pure catnip.
Bab's is an old-fashioned store located near Columbia-Presbyterian hospital in Washington Heights. Its proximity to the hospital mandates that it stock nurses' uniforms, but it also sells all sorts of delightful scanties for hot summer nights, such as sheer stockings and panties with the days of the week embroidered on them. It has a decidedly quaint feel to it, with the merchandise stocked in clear plastic bins that the salesladies get down from the shelf for you. They can look you up and down and immediately tell you your size, locate a push-up bra or some other foundation garment for you (to keep you from going from a 42C to a 42 Long, as the joke goes). I would go so far as to say it has a cozy atmosphere?it seems like any family-run business, with the owner of the place, a black-haired gent, chatting with a customer and her young child, seemingly oblivious to the tacky timepiece above his head that reads, "Time for Love," with couples in various positions in place of the numbers on the clock face.
In the back, the ladies behind the counter gossip amid the naughty plastic novelties and the obscene gag gifts. My vote for the most hilarious/pathetic item is the "Fantasy Policewoman's Outfit," a dusty box containing a black thong and a fake badge. There is a helpful script on the back, to aid you in acting out your law enforcement fantasy, with lines like, "You have the right to serve me my favorite beverage." In addition to the lingerie, Bab's has dresses and pantsuits appropriate for shuffleboard on a cruise ship and stylish but practical nightgowns. On my last visit, I purchased a lovely flannel nightshirt with cherries printed on it, suitable for checking into Columbia-Presbyterian and having a nervous breakdown. (Black sleep mask and Demerol prescription sold separately.) (4001 B'way at 168th St.; 923-8004)
My debonaire expatriate friend Scott has a marvelous website, www.findadeath.com, in which he exhaustively catalogs (complete with photographs) the final moments of many celebrities: how and where they died, what hospital they were taken to, where they were buried, what the mailbox looked like at their last house, that kind of thing. His recent entry for Milton Berle is a classic, especially the photos from Miltie's memorial service. He also shares some priceless stories, such as the one when Milton and Forrest Tucker were going to have a contest in a steam bath to determine who was larger, with Jackie Gleason as the judge. Supposedly, Gleason said to Berle, "Just take out enough to win."
Indeed, the stories of Milton's manhood are so legendary that the thought struck me: if his last wife is hard-up for cash (maybe Uncle Miltie forgot to purchase his Colonial Penn life insurance from Ed McMahon or whatever), maybe she should consider marketing Milton as a marital aide. I mean, why not? There are already all sorts of vibrators with cute little extras attached for clitoral stimulation, like the Beaver and the Kangaroo and the Pink Pearl. Why not The Berle? Or maybe not. Most of those other devices are designed to be tactilely and esthetically pleasing?I can't say the same would be true of a dildo modeled on Milton Berle's physique.
And if it is not pleasing to the eye (and other body parts), it certainly would not be stocked at Eve's Garden (119 W. 57th St., betw. 6th & 7th Aves.; 757-8651), the grande dame of all New York sex shops, a place where you can get a vibrator to match your lavender dust ruffle.
Eve's Garden is located in genteel midtown, near the Russian Tea Room. According to Kim Ibricevic, a member of the all-female staff, the store has been catering to women since 1974. "We're on the 12th floor of a large office building. We provide a discreet and comfortable shopping environment." She went on to say that because of the plethora of dentists' offices in the building, many women stop by after a root canal or whatever to give themselves a little treat. While much of the clientele is women browsing by themselves ("We get women who are sent here by their mom or their sister," said Kim), couples are welcomed, as are single men. There's a toll-free number for mail-order (800-848-3837); they also have a website, www.eves-garden.com.