This Week's Horoscope

If your life were a dancefloor, lately it'd be way too crowded. On it, you're constantly jostled, poked, elbowed and stepped on by your boogying neighbors. Don't flip out and shove anyone out of your personal space, but don't just fume and bop in place either, biding your time until the dancefloor clears enough to really get your groove on. There's another solution?one only someone of your enhanced charisma could pull off. Don't compete against all these people packed into your space. Dance with them instead?which is what they all secretly want anyway.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You're like a peacock hiding his plumage. You've spent all season cultivating this gorgeous crop of long, sleek, shining feathers, and now you're too shy to strut. Don't be embarrassed. Your achievements only seem ostentatious to your suddenly conservative sensibilities. To the rest of us, they look beautiful and will almost certainly have the intended effect: near-universal appeal. Why hide the fact that you're ready and able to seduce the pants off virtually anyone and everyone? It'd be a shame to work this hard and not show it off. Strut your stuff baby, since you've got it.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Torture is useless, according to the mythos that surrounds you. Word on the streets is that once you've been confided in, toothpicks under your fingernails couldn't pry secrets out of you. You're a vault. Perhaps all this is true, or perhaps like most legends it's mostly true but enhanced for popular consumption. I'd like to believe they're accurate, that you'll be able to resist the tantalizing incentives being dangled in front of you, in exchange for a betrayal so minor it'd be almost imperceptible. Trust me when I tell you: whatever you're offered isn't enough. Fuck selling out. Proving that your allies' faith in you is well-placed will be far more lucrative in the long run.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

I heard you were thinking about putting your soul (or part of it, at least) up for auction on eBay. Let me be the first to put in a bid. How about $300? Okay, $320, plus a tank full of sea monkeys. Damn, you drive a hard bargain. I'll give you $333, the anthropomorphized shrimp, a handknit scarf and a lush, beautiful green houseplant. Don't be foolish enough to accept my bid, or anyone else's, even in a weak moment when the palpable pleasures of what's offered might eclipse the more intangible ones inherent in what you've already got. Ultimately, no amount of money or booty is enough, no matter how tantalizing it is in the moment. The bottom line: it's a bum deal. Don't take it.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Karma is tricky. I'm still haunted, to this day, by the shitty things I've done. Forgetting wrongs committed against us seems so much easier than leaving behind those we've perpetrated ourselves. They seem to have much more lasting power; long after we're absolved or forgotten by the victims of our ethical errors, our consciences are still dragging those rotten moments around like overstuffed luggage. Luckily for you, this week the universe is operating like an inefficient airline. It might be slightly painful to cut yourself free from the baggage you've been carrying around, but I urge you: check it anyway. Let it get lost in transit by Universal Air. In other words: you've been forgiven by all involved. Now forgive yourself.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Target delirium. It's been too long since you stayed up into the wee hours, talking with someone you love and trust about life, the universe and everything. The truths you desperately need now are buried deep in your subconscious mind. That sleep-deprived limbo state is the best place for long-buried, denied or forgotten knowledge to emerge. Rejoice! For ages, you've been required to seek teachers or experiences to impart the lessons you needed to get to the next chapter. This transition is all you: deep down you already know everything you need to know for the moment: all you have to do is remember.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Your predictive powers are waxing. Whenever I consult my Magic 8 Ball lately, it tells me, repeatedly: ASK TAURUS. Your accurate prognostication has spanned relationships, business transactions, even the fickle weather. I'll tell you the secret of your prophetic knowledge: all its intended benefits have been directed at others, not yourself. Still, as if the positive karmic fallout from all that good juju isn't enough, you've got more coming. Before your astounding foreknowledge culminates during next week's Taurus full moon, you'll be allowed a glimpse into a potential future no one could possibly get as much out of as you would.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

As you veteran multi-taskers well know, there are plenty of things you can do while, say, you're stuck in traffic, taking a shit or sleeping. But you can only stretch efficiency like that so far. Some of the things you're only devoting half or one quarter of your attention to at any given moment are going to rebel, backfire or fall apart eventually. That's especially true of your most important relationships, which at least occasionally need you to put in 100 percent. This week, if someone you love is obviously trying to pour his or her heart out to you, notice. Put down the lipstick, the checkbook and shopping list. Hang up your cellphone, and pull the car over. Then listen. Just listen.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Your sensitivity and emotional mystique will only carry you so far. You must admit you've coasted along on them for vast distances in the past. But sometimes, like the coming weeks, the world demands a couple of good, hard, practical edges. How to forge sponge into sword? Although enduring a trial by fire and being tempered by sharp blows is one way, I propose another solution, just as effective but far less painful: borrow someone else's. Make a deal. Forget mutual back-scratching and try: "I'll sponge your back, you cut up my enemies."

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Talk show host, you're not. But recently, you've had the admirable habit of taking all that attention you're so good at attracting, and redirecting it to other worthies who may not be as skilled at garnering the recognition they deserve. If you're one of the few Lions who's been less generous about sharing the spotlight, I suggest you start now. Not only will your fans be grateful that you turned them on to someone so great, they'll be less likely to notice the minor (but still very embarrassing) gaffes you're likely to make this week, and more forgiving if they do.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Love exists. Despite being more cynical than you've ever been, you still believe that. But you're understandably wary of getting high on the effluvia of romantic illusions. You want something real, and sometimes faith alone feels a little thin. However, when you encounter the kind of synergistic love you're looking for, tangible evidence manifests: co-creation?the sudden existence of ideas, beauty or wisdom that neither of you could generate on your own. Once you've found and recognized that, remember this: nothing lasts forever. True love could encompass 10 minutes or a lifetime. Either way, enjoy every second of it.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Somebody told me she thought Libras were as boring and predictable as houseplants. "They bloom prettily," she said bitchily, "but, it's been done." Luckily for her, she's never encountered a Libran rampage, which are mercifully infrequent. Having witnessed the unleashing of at least one Libra's vitriolic inner Cerberus, I dub you Most Dangerous Sign, and also grant the award: Most Likely to Successfully Wreak Vengeance on an Enemy. Yes, yes, you're badass?but only because your might is predicated on the element of surprise (you're usually so sweet). The secret to remember when you're repeatedly tempted to blow your cover this week: the virtue of great strength is that you almost never have to actually use it.

Caeriel@yahoo.com