Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) I may not be the only one ever, but I am surely one of this country's most rock 'n' roll astrologers. Trouble is, when you tell someone you're an astrologer, things like sex, drugs, loud music and riotous, undorky enlightenment rarely flash through his mind. So I lie. Hey, it's not like you think! What I'm getting at here is: truth is shifty. By telling these people I'm the bassist for a techno country band, I'm evoking a much clearer picture of what I'm about than that elicited by the literal truth. Morality (such as it is with you people) aside, bending the truth to fit the reality this week is not only the preferred option, it's almost an obligation.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) I'm in the mood for a suicide. Oh please, don't be so morbid?I'm talking about the disgusting concoction you get when you mix every flavor of soda pop in the self-serve. I also combine cereals in the same bowl. It keeps me from wasting time and energy trying to make trivial decisions, such as what kind of beverage I'd like best, or which is a higher breakfast priority: health or flavor? Your own indecision is probably related to something more important than my minor quandaries. Interestingly, it could be solved the same way, if you're willing to alter your personal tastes to fit the flavor of the meal when a little bit of everything is on the plate. Even if you're not willing to permanently change your eating habits, at least follow my grandmother's advice: Try everything at least once.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Didn't your parents tell you not to take candy from strangers? Yet here I find you, accepting not only sweets, but ridiculous challenges that require unnecessary risks. Sure, you've breezed through these contests with enviable ease. But what were the risks? On your blindfolded walk across the shit-riddled dog park, you only took the chance of a little shoe-poo. You proved your endurance by watching that marathon of taped Jerry Springer episodes and only talked (and decorated your apartment) like white trash for a few months. No matter; the crap under your heel is lucky and the trailer bitch look is kind of?sexy. But this new dare? Ask yourself: is the risk really worth it?especially in light of how little you stand to gain?
Aries (March 21-April 19) I know some Aries who refuse to put hot sauce on anything, or eat a meal that's even remotely spicy. Maybe they think one fire in the belly is enough. I'd agree, if it went even halfway toward warming your icy cold feet. Your unreasonable reluctance to go through with your promises is so lame. I can only warn you: if you don't demonstrate, soon, what an honorable creature of integrity you actually are, those who're counting on your word will be spicing your food with red peppers and horseradish into next year. Another warning: this kind of punishment comes in two parts: in?and out.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) I love embarrassing you, Taurus. I relish the way you blush to the roots of your hair and smile sheepishly as if you feel good all over. You must adore being teased. This week you're due to receive some of the most euphorically ego-boosting compliments you've ever heard?as long as you give as good as you get. It's that whole "do unto others" thing swinging into action again. Pretend you are your friends' agent, lawyer or conniving, matchmaking mother. Publicly cast them in the most flattering spotlight possible. The quality of your advocacy will determine in which category the comments regarding you will fall: humiliating accuracy, or embarrassing lavishness. I'm sure you appreciate the distinction.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) Capricorns supposedly have the front half of a goat, and the back half of a fish. This image represents the diverse nature of their complicated personalities. Along the same lines, I propose a fantastic creature to symbolize your character this week: one half wily alley cat, claws out, slinking through the shadows looking for, finding and causing delicious trouble; the other half a shivering baby bunny, all cute, cuddly and helpless. You'll wear the contradiction beautifully, I'm sure?as soon as you decide which half of you will deliver the excitingly dangerous scratches, and which the warm fuzzies.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Would you be willing to sign a contract, Cancer? In it, you'd agree that as of this new moon, you'd abstain from kicking your own ass more than twice a month. You'd also limit your power and ability to construct mountains out of molehills. Lastly, you'd give yourself a raise (payable in self-esteem) and more emotional slack time. Failure to do so (breach of contract) would require that you provide 20 hours of character-building service per infraction, which would be spent in the dorkiest self-empowerment courses we can dig up. Evolve yourself, already, before we do it for you.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) I dig loyalty, devotion and adoration. These are some of your most treasured traits, yet your keen constancy is rarely returned, is it? No one else seems as interested in faithfulness of the heart (let alone the body) as you are. Don't get overzealous, though. Occasionally (like this week) you're forced to choose between steadfastness and celibacy. It should be obvious which is more important. No? Let me make it more clear: You can be a slut, just keep your goddamn heart pure.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) It's been a month since Halloween, and you still haven't taken your costume off, except to shower. I thought the bumblebee concept was cute, once: fuzzy, yellow, with those adorable springy antennae. But now I find it?disturbing. It's the stinger, isn't it? Now that you've had a taste of what it's like to have a sharp, venomous sting, you're reluctant to let it go. It's time, though: take the costume off. Your real sting is on the inside, anyway, and it'll be a lot more effective once you've stopped advertising it.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Let's hope that by the time you read this, an acceptable decision about the presidency will have been made. Somehow, though, I doubt it. Once things reach this level of politicking and attention to minute details, a conclusion that everyone will abide by is difficult to produce. Let's pretend that it's as important to end your own in-house standoff as to determine the near-future leadership of our country. Maybe we'll have a civil war: Democrats vs. Republicans. There's not much you can do about that. But keeping peace in your own household? Frankly, it's the least I expect of you this week.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Rumor has it ravens are attracted to shiny objects, octopi are among the smartest creatures on the planet and Scorpios have powerful, venomous stings. All of the above theories may be true, but there's no proof of any of them. As your astrological attorney, I'd further like to point out that, statistically, those who possess stingers are more than twice as likely to prick themselves than anyone else. Your defending argument when accused of wielding your stinger inappropriately: I was aiming for myself. It's not much of a defense, but at this point, it's all we've got. I'm legally obligated to say this: you may lose the case. But don't worry. As I've mentioned before, Scorpios have a knack for being sentenced with punishments they'll enjoy.
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