This Week's Horoscope

Fame is like a long train rolling over a steep hill. Getting to the top is grueling work. Once there, it's a great view?for about five minutes. Then the bulk of the train is pulling you down the other side, whether you like it or not. Soon, the whole thing is out of control. Some manage to keep on track; others get derailed. You're probably not going to achieve worldwide popularity this week. But you might experience something close to my train metaphor. My advice? Blast your horn and keep your eyes on your destination. And whatever you do, no matter how insanely fast you seem to be going?don't slow down. You're going to need every ounce of momentum you can get to make it over the next hill.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

To some birds, darkness equals sleep. A blanket over the cage, a hand over the eyes, and true night all seem just about the same. Pretty stupid. But I like to think those idiotic avians still dream, and even a baby bird's dreams might seem fantastic to us poor, heavy, stuck humans. The knock you received last week must've cracked something, because the feathered chick inside you is finally getting a little light. Guess what? She's waking up. She might not be the smartest egg in the bunch, but what are you going to do? Here's what I'd do: try to avoid those big, earthshaking decisions until next month. In the meantime, start scouting out places you'd like to go: high-up places that you could never reach without wings.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

When will they start installing telephones directly into our skulls? Cells and cordless handsets are dandy, but I'm sick of playing Scavenger Hunt whenever the damn thing rings. I've started keeping score. Pants pocket in the laundry pile: Three rings. Under today's mail: Two rings. Nestled among the cookie crumbs and dog hair in the couch cushions: Five rings. In the refrigerator: Six. Of course, even when we do get BrainT&T phones, you won't be much better off than before, not when you're still contemplating the absolutely uncool choice you're on the verge of making this week. I have to ask: Have you lost your mind?! I give you seven rings to find it, and one hint: it's not in the refrigerator.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Somebody called 11 times and left no messages. My caller ID revealed the dialer's number, but not the name. My voicemail claimed ignorance. I could simply call and ask who he or she is, but I'm relishing the mystery for the moment. It's nice to leave these little enigmas floating around, especially for brilliant folks like you, who've got almost everything important figured out already. Whether it's your irrational girlfriend, your neurotic dog, the strange howling noises coming from your basement or your boss who seems to be possessed, respect?no, relish?the few little things in your life that keep you guessing.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Car alarms are useless annoyances. Any non-retarded car thief would realize that. Here's how to steal a car equipped with an alarm: act embarrassed but unfazed. Shrug helplessly. Appeal to your audience for sympathy as you drive off shaking your head at the blasted thing. Need to kidnap someone? In front of a crowd? No problem. Ham it up. Let everybody but your victim "in on the joke." People will actually help you, when properly encouraged with winks and smiles. I'm not recommending that you actually steal vehicles or abduct enemies. These are just minor examples of what you're capable of this week, just by acting capable. I'd keep it legal, though?your smile is unlikely to do as well in court as it did at the kidnapping.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Despite the fact that you were the first one of your friends to lose your virginity back in (gasp!?junior) high school, you're somehow still the most innocent of them. Don't let your fount of youthful freshness, idealism and delight dry up when facing the acrimonious ashes of your most bitter friend's opinions. But don't reject them either. Use that cynicism. Turn it into a children's book or a flower bed as only you can. You can't hope to turn prune-hearts into ripe, wet plums (or cherries) by yourself. But you might just be able to deliver the emotional lube job they need to get their own juices flowing.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

"Pin me down and kiss me for hours." It's a request you rarely receive (although your sign gets it more than most), but this week you might hear it a couple times?from more than one person. Yup, your compelling charisma cast a wider net than you intended, and you've snagged more than one tasty fish. Are you up for this? Is your bedroom tank big enough for two more? Can you give each one the love and attention s/he deserves? Only you can decide if you'll try to keep both of them, or let one of them swim free right away. Before you make up your mind, consider this: Each fish, if properly treated, can grant you exactly one and a half wishes. You do the math.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Would you care to settle an argument? My dog contends that if humans have souls, so do canines. I'm not so sure. It came up as we discussed cloning him. He asserts that the new dog would be completely different, despite sharing genetic material, because of his soul. What do you think? Wow. That shut you up. Score one for surreality. Now consider this: your own current drama is about as ridiculous as discussing the moral and religious implications of theoretical science with a house pet.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Pretend you'll be going on a trip with a tall, dark stranger. Pack a suitcase full of money instead of clothes and don't ask where you're going. Sounds romantic, doesn't it? Or creepy, depending on your point of view. In fact, you probably won't be receiving offers to go on exotic adventure vacations with handsome, enigmatic strangers unless you're very, very lucky. But if you do, have the courage to see it as romantic instead of sinister. You have the power to make it (and anything else that's happening in your life right now) fit your perceptions perfectly. Why not see it as a good thing?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

In the wild, lions operate in prides. The group shares the responsibilities of hunting, caring for cubs, defending territory, etc. That's why I'm psyched about the current plethora of Leos in my life. I've always had good times, sweet sex and great romantic adventures with my fellow Lions. You should be glad to be surrounded by your sun-ruled friends as well. The more, the merrier?especially when fending off (or better yet, scaring off) the hyenas or cheetah you're likely to encounter this week.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

I apologize if my horoscope seems a little low-key. See, I'm operating under an enormously heavy burden of guilt this week. One of my best Virgo friends got sick while she was visiting me because she was having too much fun. How can I live with myself? I only can by taking this time to remind you: No one has power over you. I'm proud of the way you've fully realized this truth when it comes to the people bearing negativity, limitation and pain into your life. But you could still work on your boundaries regarding those bringing light and fun. There is such a thing as too much. Don't go blind admiring the sun.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Are you done carving potatoes or apples to smoke your weed out of? Isn't it time to actually buy some wine glasses, instead of drinking your expensive zinfandel out of plastic cups? I admire the way you keep your vices to moderate, fun levels?but I can't advocate the way you're in denial about having any vices to begin with. Own them, Libra. It's not so bad, being a little bad every now and then. Librarians and teachers might appreciate Miss Goody Two Shoes, it's true. But everybody loves the bad guy.

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