This Week's Horoscope

Imagine that two of your favorite limbs and your most beloved sense were all ripped from you in a cruel accident, but replaced by high-tech bionic prostheses. Initially, you might curse fate and grieve your lost parts, but eventually you'd let yourself become interested in your new ones. What can they do? Chances are, they're stronger, faster or more sensitive, if different from what you're used to. That's this week's process?figuring out how to get over what you've lost and get into what you've gained. Since you're not getting those stolen pieces back, work on assimilating your new ones. If you start now, by this time next week your old flesh and bone will be old news.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

The way he tells it, my Scorpio ex-boyfriend became president of his college fraternity because of his unparalleled ability to vomit on demand, which came in handy during the frequent, all-important drinking contests against other frats. Since then, that skill has rarely come in handy. My point: some of the things you consider part of your permanent repertoire are slightly obsolete, and taking up valuable mental real estate that could be better used for proficiencies that are relevant now. This week stop practicing and enhancing ancient obscure talents, and start developing or generating new ones you can actually use.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Let's arm-wrestle. I wish I could just reach my arm through the page, because lately you thrive best when required to rise to a challenge. Although in general you prefer friendly competitions to cutthroat contests, you'll find that either one will work amazingly well to bring out your best parts?especially because you're likely to win nearly every trial you enter (you'd kick my skinny ass). That doesn't mean you have to make everything hard. Some things (especially for you) are just easy. However, when given a choice to get to where you're going via ropes course or airport people-mover, choose the one that will give you calluses.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

"Oh, hey, uh, thanks? That sure is?somethin'," might become a familiar refrain this week, as you're likely to receive the kinds of gifts you're better off without. They're in the genre of that hideously ugly and scratchy sweater you had to wear to avoid displeasing Aunt Hildegard. However, don't get too caught up in ridiculous gift-giving politics or crafting some elaborately generous revenge. I predict that nine out of 10 of those givers will come to their senses in less than a fortnight, and not only take back their disastrous presents, but reward your kind (and suddenly appreciated) tolerance of the unwanted booty with something you actually like.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

This week, compose and swear your own version of the bodhisattva vow. In Buddhism, a bodhisattva is someone who makes a solemn oath not to proceed to the blissful state of enlightenment known as nirvana until all others have achieved that state. In your case, it's more like refusing to leave a burning building before you're sure everyone else has escaped, or giving everybody generous second helpings of dessert before you take any for yourself. If you practice simple acts of reasonable kindness like those I suggested, you ought to find yourself experiencing your own minor nirvana soon enough?almost without trying.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

This is a good week to start an online church. I know you've been practicing your own brand of amalgamated religion comprised of pieces of virtually every spiritual tradition or idea you've encountered. Isn't it time to share it? It's not that the masses are necessarily ready to hear it or get it (although assuredly a few will), it's that you're finally ready to share it, and absorb the lessons that the process of doing so reveals. You're familiar with the concept that to truly learn something, you have to teach it?since you've yet to grasp one of the rosiest, juiciest apples of your personal tree of knowledge and wisdom, I'm hoping that teaching a few lessons from that orchard will help shake it loose.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

"Me hungry," you grunt, as you attempt to gnaw open a can of pork 'n' beans with your teeth. On many a recent occasion you've been willing?and in some cases, determined?to use methods that some would consider primitive and inefficient, at least in comparison to the other options at your disposal, like the electric can opener you have in hand, or simply helping yourself to the delicious buffet spread straight ahead. Although there's something to be said for old-school?and even ancient?methods, don't go overboard. You have advantages; use them, or risk losing them.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

With your ruling planet in Scorpio going retrograde next week, it might be a good time to practice some of the skills of love. I'm serious. Channel anxious, inexperienced teenage girl and pretend you don't know anything. Rehearse flirting in the mirror, kissing your hand and swooning over pictures of your loves (secret or otherwise). Then live out your newfound naive enthusiasm. I'm not suggesting playing the unsullied virgin you once were and crying out for deflowering (although I wouldn't rule that out, either), but allowing yourself to rediscover some of the joys of innocent exploration will definitely be fun for you?and anyone else you choose to involve.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

If I lived in Europe, I'd buy a Smart (smart.com). Not only are they infernally cute and little (barely more than 8 feet long), but they have interchangeable exterior panels, so I could change my car's color whenever my mood shifted. We both know you're happier when everything in your life is customizable and adjustable, from your cellphone ring to your living room to your boyfriend. You usually despise anything set in stone, which is why I'm surprised that, in one arena, you're accepting the status quo without questioning it. Don't do that. There are plenty of options you could access, even in the most seemingly intractable of situations?all you have to do is ask for them, and occasionally, demand them.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

This is the perfect week to redecorate your apartment, restart a stalled creative project or go all out in designing this year's Halloween costume. In any case, allowing yourself to be immersed in your own creative self-expression is the key to getting the most out of this week's Libra new moon. It's apt to give you lots of space to let your imagination run wild, and since your recent acquisition of a whole spectrum of new resources, your ability to make your visions come to life is at a yearlong high. Don't waste it.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Consider some difficult lessons you've learned: realizing that your superhero Underoos wouldn't confer their corresponding superpowers on you; learning that doggie heaven might not even be in the same place as human heaven, if it even exists; or when it finally became unspeakably apparent that you could no longer drink yourself into oblivion and still go to work the next day. It's not that I want you to relive the pain of discovering limitations of knowledge or ability. Instead, the next time you encounter an apparent constraint, remember the solutions you developed to surmount or circumvent those problems, like developing superpowers that will work whether you wear underwear or not; rewriting your religion into something that actually makes sense and figuring out how to party without puking. Once it's obvious that you're better off for having conquered these crises, you might almost look forward to your next one.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

What are you, a ventriloquist? No? Then why are you letting some lameass speak for you, or worse, allowing him to put words in your mouth that you'd simply never say? This is not the week to be nice?especially when sweetness could cost you opportunity, money or even a friendship. Say it with me now: Hell, no! Puff up your chest, get your 'tude on and be a wall, not a punching bag; or a tire-shredder, not a welcome mat. This week, the only person you can be certain has your best interests in mind is you, so don't let anyone claim responsibility when you can do it yourself.

[Caeriel@yahoo.com](mailto:caeriel@yahoo.com)