This Week's Horoscope

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Even though your rivals are lining up to take a swing at you, don't freak. Let them. It's good to let your adversaries blow off steam in your direction occasionally. It allows them to vent their emotions before they build to even more unreasonable levels, and you get to check that your own actions and intentions are still on the up-and-up. Set up the dunking booth so that those with valid points get what they deserve: to see you take a fall?if only into 4 feet of water. It's no biggie; accept the few minor tumbles with grace and you'll have every right to ask for the same privilege?to be able to investigate and critique your opponents. They probably won't grant it to you, but it'll be a long time before those hypocrites come your way looking for trouble again.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

It was all going as planned. You had the righteously liberated goods in hand. Your techno-accomplices (linked via cellphone) had already guided you past mini-crises galore. Alas, this ain't The Matrix. Your escape down the back stairs was halted by uniformed authorities, quite anticlimactically. Although this excerpt from your near future is exaggerated to heighten reader interest, it's accurate: The heist you're planning is more likely emotional (stealing someone's heart, for example) but no less justified. Unfortunately, just like in my action-flick fantasy-scenario, you won't get away with it, at least not this week. Don't let your immense worthiness cause you to prematurely implement your plans to retrieve a prince(ss) in distress, psychic data chip or bundle of money. You may deserve them now; but wouldn't you rather actually get them a bit late than not have them at all?

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

So far this fall you've majored in compromise with a minor in patience, despite your initial desire for a double-major in phenomenal success and liberated fame. Although waiting for what you want and then settling for something less isn't exactly what you had in mind when you enrolled, it seems to be all you're eligible for, for now. I don't need to tell you to grab what you can while you can; you've already made that decision. But don't give up on your high hopes. So you only got into community college this semester. Come spring, even the Ivy League will be knocking down your door.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

My Pisces friend Peter told me an anecdote that inspired and titillated me. "That's perfect!" I cried, planning to adapt it to a puzzling Cancerian dilemma I'd been struggling to address (I had to use something else). Caught up in the needs of the moment, however, I forgot to write it down, and later couldn't remember it. Between our leaky memories, neither Peter nor I could recall what we'd been discussing at the time. Unfortunately, this pathetic tale of stoner mis-recollection is only too apt; many people are prone to discover your brilliance, but only a minute few will remember it. Take notes, so you can remind them later on when they need to recall just how great you are.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

It's lucky you screwed up; your crush was nearly convinced you were out of her league. She'd never aspire to date someone of your apparent perfection; you'd been so successful at disguising your flaws that she felt outclassed. Luckily for both of you, you slipped up, revealing your humanity, making you (ironically) all the more perfect for her. It's not about flaunting your minor imperfections, but don't bother hiding them. They're what make you accessible, lovable and wonderfully real. We don't want the plastic veneer of the airbrushed you?we want the real skin and bones underneath.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

I dreamt I drove while you navigated from the passenger seat. Every time I stopped at a light, though, my Volvo edged forward, ignoring my firm foot on the brake. I interpret it as a reflection of your eagerness to evolve?perhaps before your time. Honor the speed limit for once, velocity junkie. So you're set for a few record-breaking laps around the transformation track. Don't jump the gun. Wait for Go; trying to do too much too soon will just get you sent back to the starting line.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Characters for your personal reflection this week: murderous clowns, pretty child-vampires (see Anne Rice's Claudia) and dumpy suburban-housewife witches. What people glean from your appearance hardly belies the power and interest of what lies beneath. Jessica Rabbit's "I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way," may hold peculiar resonance for you, if people's assumptions of your sluttiness aren't in line with your inner prude. Instead of fighting their superficial prejudices, though, can't you make use of them instead? For instance, Claudia would lure potential victims by pretending she was a lost little girl. Your intentions need not be so dire?but consider using a similar technique to get what you want, too.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Is it infuriation or love? The distinction ain't so clear this week. Both get your heart pounding, your stomach in knots and your inner fires raging. Is defining it so important? This week, reconsider the person who's been driving you batty. Could it be that you're secretly impressed with the very same don't-give-a-damn attitude that you so vocally critique? It's not that s/he doesn't care what you think; s/he's just not willing to bend over just because you ask or pout about it. Come on, now?admit it: You like that, just a little.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Electroclash, a movement so named by New York City nightlife personality DJ Larry Tee, is an eclectic combination of musical genres, including elements of electronica, hiphop, techno, punk and new wave. One of the things its fans find most appealing about it is its accessibility; the focus is more on passion and message than on technical skill, sort of like traditional punk. I only mention it because despite your admirable desire to improve yourself in your chosen field, you're more likely to achieve success this week because of what you say, not so much how you say it.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

"Hey baby," croons someone in the phone. "It's a voice from your past!" I don't know this voice: gravelly, nasal, uncomfortable, as if being so perky is painful?it reminds me of no one I know. "Oh yeah," she adds, as if it were irrelevant, "I do have a cold, so I might not sound much like my usual self." I have to laugh; this is so similar to your recent games it's funny. What games? You know the rules (even though no one else seems to): your friends are supposed to respond to unfamiliar stimuli in familiar ways, and make inspired leaps based on information trapped in your head only. Although we'd all love to be as good at Psychic Charades as you are, we're not. Give us a break and a clue; or pick a different game to play?one that we're all good at.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

As soon as the Taliban fled Afghanistan's capital, Kabul, people seized the opportunity to do the things that were forbidden under their Islamic-extremist regime. Men shaved their beards, women came out of isolation and children flew kites. Everyone probably took a deep breath; the future was still incredibly uncertain, but for a brief moment, at least, things felt better. Although the oppression (mostly self-inflicted) you've suffered under is negligible compared to that of the Afghan people, the relief you'll feel when it's lifted will be similar. Follow their example?get out of the house and party, or just go fly a kite.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

I know how you love to have the last laugh. That's why I'm issuing you this warning: You're about to get kicked out of the bar. The trouble you crave is finally catching up to you this week. There's no reason to let it get you down, though. Don't wait for the "Don't let the door hit your butt on your way out" ultimatum. Fuck that shit. Leave while you still have a modicum of dignity left, and invite them to kiss your ass as you go.