"This Week's Horoscope"

Vultures have incredible immune systems. Habitually dining on rotting flesh makes them hardy; they're naturally gifted with strong stomachs and a powerful resistance to viral and bacterial agents that would kill a less resilient creature. You couldn't be less like those scavenging birds, but you might want to take your cue from them anyway. Your spiritual immune system could use some toughening up, especially considering some of the fucked-up crap that's likely to come your way next month. Wouldn't it be useful if the next time someone condemned you to eat shit and die, you could (metaphorically, at least) eat shit and live?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Hunter-gatherer cultures used everything from the beasts they killed, from muscles and organs to teeth and skin and bones. They couldn't afford to waste anything. I'm similar in my treatment of cars?I tend to drive them until they die. (At least one?my beloved Volvo sedan, Little Beige?chose to commit suicide, rolling from a parked position, down a hill, swerving into the only brick building on the block.) This week, emulate me and those tribal huntsmen: since you don't know when you'll next receive new shipments of some of the stuff you need almost as much as food, be sure to use and enjoy every scrap of what you've already got.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

I despise flying. Although I'm occasionally forced onto a plane out of convenience or timing, I'd much rather make my journey on the ground?I've crossed the continent at least 15 times that way. It's how I remind myself of the overused, but nevertheless valid, truism: the journey is more important than the destination. Don't make your current mental voyages as intuitively incomprehensible as entering one sterile airport and emerging from another one, with an unpleasant ride in a loud metal tube in between. You'll be a lot more likely to enjoy and understand the weird places you end up if you know exactly how you got there and what you passed along the way. Retracing your steps, if you have to, is a lot easier that way, too.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Your subconscious mind is a rescue dog. Your task is as admirable as theirs (to sniff out people trapped in the devastation of disaster). If all they find is corpses, those heroic hounds get so despondent they won't eat or play. Thus their handlers make sure to end the day with a successful rescue?arranged, if necessary?so the well-trained pups can discover, delightedly, "survivors." Encountering obstacle after obstacle as you have can be as depressing as a day of digging up dead people. Handle yourself. Sustain your spiritual stamina by setting yourself up for success every now and then, so you can keep doing your job until it's done.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Extremist Aries David Blaine (famous for freezing himself in a block of ice for almost three days, among many other feats) hid $100,000 somewhere and left clues to the hoard's discovery in his book, Mysterious Stranger. At its root, this may just be a shameful ploy to get people to read the book. But it has the added side benefit of encouraging participation, of getting people engaged and involved, and I can't wholeheartedly condemn art that does that. This week, your admirable ends justify at least some means. Use what works. If appealing to someone's greed is the only way to get them where you want them to go, by all means, do it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Half of the snottiest gay couple I know once confessed to me: "N. and I aren't together because of any real love. We just know neither of us will ever do any better." I urge you to reject, in all its forms, any self-defeating "logic" like this, Taurus. While your week may contain many tempting and seemingly valid copouts, like the one those guys use as the glue holding their relationship together, don't fall for them, since doing so would preclude having access to the real, and far superior, possibilities due to come your way soon enough.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Geminis are consummate nibblers. You rarely see a Gemini retreating, post-feast, to an armchair to belch and unbutton his pants to accommodate a swollen gut. Your moderation would be admirable, if it were completely honest. (Given enough time, most Geminis can eat their weight in leftovers.) This tendency to snack instead of gorge all at once can extend to aspects of life that have nothing to do with food, especially relationships. Unfortunately, in that arena, your discreet nibbling could be interpreted as distaste or lack of desire. Since you're going to want to "eat" it all eventually anyway, go ahead and chomp. Your gluttony will be appreciated?and mutual.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Dig deep. You may resist articulating your feelings because they sound ridiculous out loud. But don't let them lurk deep in your soul's most secret crannies, malignly pulling strings and making you act out in absurd ways. Emotions are irrational; it's hardwired into their essential nature. Try to understand them anyway. These feelings are probably rooted in hormones, bowel movements, existential dread, loneliness, sexual frustration or myriad other possible factors?but not whatever you're actually directing them at. Be careful of that. This week, instead of acting out, figure it out.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

On the African plain as well as astrologically, lions and lionesses play dramatically dissimilar roles. The formidable lions, with their impressive manes and powerful roars, make such a show that no one ever messes with them; they rarely have to demonstrate just how redoubtable they are. Lionesses, on the other hand, are the hunters and providers for their loved ones. They prove their mettle daily, without making such a stink about it. Still, there's something to be said for each style. You'd do well to switch it up, Lionesses?strut more and consequently wrangle less. A little show of claws and teeth goes a long way toward not having to use them. And lions, stop telling everyone how badass you are and just show them, once in a while.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Canids, from wolves to poodles to dingoes, have managed to populate virtually the entire planet. They all come from a single ancestor, called the dawn dog, which originated about 40 million years ago on the plains of North America. Their evolutionary strategy: extreme adaptability. Your own personal evolution should borrow from the genetically resourceful genus canidae. Don't get locked into any one version of yourself. Since in the next month you may be required to manifest anything from savagely effective timber wolf to pampered Shih Tzu to loyal Labrador retriever, and a host of other specialized extremes besides, make sure you're ready and able to move in whatever direction the situation demands.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Identity issues continue. Last week, I encouraged you to pretend to be someone you're not, if it matched your admirable aspirations. As the planets alter their subtle cosmic dance, however, your challenges change: too many people are on the verge of discovering your most secret personalities, of connecting the dots between your inner Peter Parkers and Spider-Men. It goes without saying that your superheroic effectiveness would be dramatically impaired by concrete discovery along these lines, which is why you should never allow that to happen. This week, do whatever it takes to throw your clued-in companions off the scent, and preserve your clandestine alter egos.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Gliding through the cosmos, famed as the prime repository, distributor and fount of universal bliss, there is a place known only as The Funk Palace. This interdimensional, eternally happening party place is currently manifesting in your slice of heaven, and playing host to two of the solar system's most fabulous bigtime celebrities, Mars and Venus, which means you get a tight-beamed transmission of personal magnetism for all of December. It's not exactly fair, since you're still enjoying the booty and bounty you acquired during your birthday month, but instead of dwelling on the delicious injustice of your good fortune, you should concentrate on the real question: What are you going to do with all this juicy sexual charisma? Or better yet: Which lucky souls are you going to share it with?

[Caeriel@yahoo.com](mailto:Caeriel@yahoo.com)