This Week's Horoscope

Hellmouth, here we come. Thanks to an orgy of activity in your sign (only coincidentally related to Halloween), people are bound to be communicating (often unwittingly) with their Dark Places this week. Be prepared to encounter (and ideally, conquer?as only you can) internal demons made accidentally manifest, a la Buffy the Vampire Slayer, by sarcastically cynical spell-casting, offhand out-loud wishmaking or fratboy hazing rituals. They need putting down, badly. Since these toothy, horned emotional beasts won't respond to therapy or campus security, only your Scorpionic superpowers, it's up to you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You may lack the ability to make the things you despise disappear. But you have surprisingly profound powers of transmutation of late. Make your life's villains less objectionable. For instance, in my slightly more ideal world, I'd transform a serial killer on the loose into the SUV-Slasher. Instead of destroying people's lives, he'd shred the tires of those greedy, city-dwelling assholes who insist on driving the things. Yes, your might may fall a little short of rearranging reality to this extent, but then again?why not try? I predict you'll be happy with the results, either way.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Minor affluence is a far cry from what I'd call "an embarrassment of riches." I'm referring to the kind of gross inequity that dictates that some people should starve and die while others burn money for heat. Isn't the luck, inheritance or drive that earned those hoards of dough blessing enough? Add to that the immense privilege of being able to help others and no one should require many millions of dollars more than everyone else. Let MTV Cribs die, not children. This life has few pleasures as satisfying as being kind to others. This week, whether or not you're embarrassed by your own overflowing assets, consider putting some of them someplace where they'll do the most good?which might not be your bank account.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Uranus, your ruling planet, emerges from retrograde (during which it appears to move backward in the sky) for the first time in five months this week. Uranus is one of the slow-moving outer planets, not regarded as a powerful influence on people's daily lives. However, although its effects may be subtle, I predict you'll notice a cumulatively significant increase in flow, as a mid-pipe blockage erodes. While this cynicism-induced obstruction decays, summer's trickles of money, love and opportunity will become brooks, then streams, and finally rivers that swell and overflow their banks. You may not have figured out what I'm talking about yet?but you will soon.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Four shots of absinthe and four hours of dancing later, I kept thinking of your recurring struggle to vanquish your worst habits. Given enough time and support, you could do it. But why should you go to such desperate and difficult lengths, when transforming them into praxes that help and feed you is so much better and infinitely easier? (My personal solution is to indulge my bad habits in equal parts with the good ones.) It's much simpler to divert the fast-flowing rivers of your damaging impulses than to dam them. Easier said than done, you say. Not necessarily. Since this week may present some startlingly effortless and effective ways to do just that, it may be easier done than said.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Halloween is about being pretend-afraid, and never crossing over to shitting-your-pants fear. For that reason, truly frightening bogeymen like Beltway Snipers and crazed terrorists aren't popular costume choices. The bad news is that this All Hallows' Eve is likely to have more than the usual share of actual fear. The good news is that those profoundly terrifying dangers are more delicious than lethal, hazards like falling in love, having a baby or finally giving one of your greatest dreams your all. This year, skip the ooh-spooky-isn't-this-fun crap in favor of the holy-fuck-this-is-real shit. Make it the best Halloween ever.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Right now, millions of blips of information are coursing around you and soaking into you: cellphone calls, radio waves, tv transmissions, etc. Despite being unable to sense them unaided, you don't doubt their existence. You know they're really there because others invented machines to generate or use them. Unfortunately, no one's made a machine to detect other things you can't see or smell, yet need to believe in. Your greatest sources of strength and comfort lie far beyond the range of conventional detection. Don't let unrestrained skepticism keep you from them; take them on faith.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

The first few generations of robots gifted with "artificial intelligence" may be able to observe, learn, reason and act with impressive acuity. But they'll be incapable of experiencing emotion or taking inspired, intuitive leaps. Our biological predilections might be viewed as inefficient handicaps by a machine consciousness; contrarily, they'd be our greatest gifts and strengths. Don't accept the negative judgments being thrust upon you. Like our future robot friends, your critics are operating from their limited understanding of reality. You can't reasonably blame them for their logical assumptions, but you know better than to take their underdeveloped censure to heart, don't you?

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Perception deceptions have plagued you historically, and even more so recently. Unfortunately, you've developed the cynical habit of assuming the worst whenever you don't know what someone thinks of you?which is most of the time. I don't expect you to not give a shit; although a well-developed ego can make you mostly independent of others' opinions, at root we're social creatures, designed to care about what people think. However, please ditch the automatic negative assumption; it's untrue more often than not. Luckily, this week's Scorpio new moon is an excellent time to refute and subvert those nasty habits of mind, and replace them with something better?put the burden of negativity on those concerned: assume everyone adores you unless they explicitly tell you otherwise.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

I wish I could hypnotize you, because you've temporarily forgotten something so basic it's rooted in your essential nature. I'd love to access your subconscious, which knows there's no need to flail like you did this past week. Your anxieties should wash over you harmlessly, not erode your confidence. Please stop thrashing, so you can remember that you're not weak or desperate enough to be mean. Your immense power allows you to be universally gentle and generous, as long as you remember it. Relax. Take a deep breath and let it out, slowly. As much as you can, let the tension sift from your muscles like grains of sand. Then let the following message settle in as deeply as possible: You're more than strong; you are mighty.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

These teachers I overheard on the subway were upset that their students had difficulty making the distinction between actual words and abbreviations they use in IMs (online instant messages). For instance, they were disturbed to see "UR" replace "your." Their pupils couldn't be bothered with whole words. Why spell out "see you later" when "C U L8R" works just as well? Perhaps these shortcuts will inevitably end up in the dictionary, eventually. In the meantime, resist tasteless corner-cutting everywhere you find it. Prevent further degeneration, if at all possible. You're our zodiacal quality control. On every front, please make sure we're evolving, not devolving, won't you?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

China Miéville describes the titular location of his amazing novel, Perdido Street Station, as "the knot of architectural tissue where the fibres of the city congealed?the great variegated fortress of dark brick and scrubbed concrete and wood and steel and stone, the edifice that yawned hugely at the city's vulgar heart." I like imagining the actions you set into motion ages ago as trains, all running toward a similar "coagulate of miles of railway line." Inside that dark, beautiful and slightly scary internal junction, past errors and triumphs will intersect and interact, shaping everything about your near future, from the weather on down. Don't despair. This conjuncture of key personal events is a crossroads, not a judgment. In other words, forget the many engines you rode in on. The one you leave on is the one that matters.

Caeriel@yahoo.com