This Week's Horoscope

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

The swampland only seems to go on forever. You've been plodding miserably through hip-deep bog for weeks now, with a two-ton safe strapped to your back and a person under each arm, and actually making respectable progress despite these considerable impediments. But this week, you're Popeye out of spinach. That prodigious strength may drain unexpectedly from your limbs, leaving you, your valuables and your buddies in the lurch?except for the beautiful and fortuitous fact that you're likely to find firm, dry land again, right around the same time. So don't freak about the sudden diminution of your might. It just means you can put your burdens down, stop slogging and start sprinting.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You're an indoor cat faced with an open window. You've been shitting in a tiny box for years, and now the vast unknown calls; the tantalizing expanses of your neighbor's gardens beckon. It might be scary, and, realistically, dangerous?there are cars and angry green-thumbed hose-wielders out there?but don't hide under the bed. Leap. Enough with your slightly cloistered existence and cheap catnip toys. Get out there and poop in some real dirt, chase some real birds and get it on with that very real, very sexy pussy across the street.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Procrastination has its rewards. Washing a whole stack of dirty dishes gives you more of a sense of accomplishment than rinsing just one or two?especially since the added work of ridding them of crusted, caked leftover food makes it harder. Likewise, it's more satisfying to sweep up a huge pile of crud and pet hair than the paltry wisps you'd get if you did it daily. However, don't take this pattern to unhealthy extremes, where your dust bunnies develop sentience and rebel, and your filthy plates cultivate a mutant strain of bubonic plague. A number of neglected duties teeter on the verge of tumbling over this precipice of angst. Take care of them.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Shit happens. You know this, but this week who or what it happens to may make it seem more important or devastating than usual. For instance, scratching the paint on a brand-new Jaguar is more horrible than scuffing an ancient Rabbit. I'm here to remind you that these are arbitrary distinctions. Yes, it sucks, but since there's nothing you can do about it, why make it worse by working yourself up into a fearsome state of agitation? These are little things in the grand scheme. Chill. Pretend your sports car is a beater, take a deep breath and relax.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You're fondue. It was all the rage a couple decades ago, just like you're all the rage now. Everyone wants to dip into you, get your flavor all over everything. That sounds kinkier than it is, unfortunately. But your participation and opinion are more in demand than ever, so be careful how thinly you spread yourself. Too many hands in the fondue pot is just gross. Don't let things get that nasty. Pick and choose who you invite to chow on your deliciousness. Remember, hot and sticky and melting all over is sexy; scraping the bottom of the pot with a crust of bread just ain't.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

My signature has, over time, degenerated into an indecipherable squiggle at best only loosely related to my actual name. Although your handwriting is probably more consistent than mine (though not necessarily any prettier), there are other things (like relationships) you've let deteriorate until they're unrecognizable?so different from what they started out as that an uninformed observer would never believe you if you told him. This isn't necessarily a bad thing?my illegible scrawl is still valid?but you might want to make sure they still work for you in their transmogrified forms. If not, I'm sure you could reverse some of the damage, with a little practice, or simply leave them behind.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You're a migratory bird gone wrong, this week. You rejected your instinctive urge to fly south for the winter, because you'd happened upon a seemingly inexhaustible treasure trove of fattening and delicious seeds. You decided to brave the cold to stay near your avian cornucopia. Now you're regretting that decision. Don't. Maybe it wasn't the best choice. But you made it, and it's simply too cold and late to make the journey to your usual winter home. Instead of suffering undue chagrin, make the best of things. It's not all bad?quite a lot of it is good, in fact. Focus on that. The other good stuff will fly back your way soon enough.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Reverse engineering?dismantling a completed product so you can see how it works, and replicate it?is the key this week, although I'm referring to spiritual technology, not, say, a DVD player. Let me explain. You're doing great in the school of personal evolution, but you're failing one subject (we both know which). I'd hate for you to stay back a grade just to get this secondary subject up to par, when you're doing so well in all other areas. But I'd rather you didn't proceed further without this particular soul-skill as part of your repertoire. Luckily, you know what it looks like to possess this proficiency along with the arsenal of talents you already have. Start from there, the finished product, and work your way backwards, until you've figured out exactly what you're missing, and how to replace it.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You might as well eat chocolate cake for breakfast. It's another one of those weeks in which, to paraphrase Robert Burns, "the best laid schemes o' mice an men going oft agley." So why bother clinging too strongly to them? Go with what feels good for once, since doing what you "should" will most likely not only go wrong, but cause you aggravation, as well. By next week you'll be able to return to manifesting your most noble intentions and well-reasoned plots, but for now, help yourself to a hefty slice of triple-fudge and a mound of whipped cream and call it a hearty first meal of the day.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Once a year in January, back when I lived in San Francisco, my friends and I would spend a whole day collecting discarded Christmas trees, tying them to the roofs of our cars or stacking them in our pickup trucks. That night, we'd have a huge, crackly bonfire on the beach, and party into the wee hours. It was always fun and wild and magical, as if all the complex Xmas memories those trees were witness to curled into the air and our lungs on fragrant smoke. This week, take inspiration from that image, as you salvage other people's discarded dreams and transform them into powerful and amazing moments of your own.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

The craze among my high school friends was to experiment and discover how simply we could live. We tried going without shampoo, underwear, refined sugar, leather clothing, tv and dairy products, among others. Some of those things eventually got reincorporated into our lives, and some we found we could live quite happily (often more happily) without. Try it. There are a handful of things you suspect you'd be healthier, better off or more whole without. Take a break from them. If you find they're indispensable, you can always add them back into your life, with renewed appreciation for them. And if it turns out they were shackles holding you back?well, ridding yourself of them is its own reward.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

History repeats itself. But each rotation around the cosmic wheel is changed by expanding and escalating technology. On a different plane, personal history also repeats itself. This history may be less immediately or obviously affected by things like the Internet or smallpox vaccines (although naturally these are important influences as well) than by advances in spiritual technology?in other words, shifts in perspective and attitude. As you review familiar landscapes and themes this week, don't duplicate past chapters. Even though the present may seem eerily similar to what's happened before, your reactions don't have to be. Change them, and things will almost certainly work out better than last time.