This Week's Horoscope

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

When Capt. Robert Jenkins exhibited his ear (severed eight years earlier in a skirmish with the Spanish coast guard, who believed him guilty of smuggling) in the British House of Commons, it so inflamed public opinion that the Prime Minister was reluctantly forced to declare war in 1739 (now known as the War of Jenkins' Ear). He may have been trying to incense people to correct an ongoing wrong, or he could have simply wanted them to exact belated vengeance on his behalf. Before you use a personal matter to manipulate people, consider: Are your motivations pure? Don't wave that shriveled bit of ear around unless you're prepared for the consequences. Remember, the fewer wars you start, the cleaner your karma.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You're a divine conduit for inspired cosmic force. Once it enters you, however, it's like a raging torrent hitting a colander: it splits into innumerable smaller trickles. All that energy fractures into myriad foci, instead of just a couple massive, exciting projects. Thus progress on most of your goals is excruciatingly slow. This week, put most of your life on the back burner, temporarily. It's time to get a little serious and take on the challenges that will really exercise your potential. Block up all those tiny drains on your brilliance and attention, leaving only the most important two (or at most, three).

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Water every seed you plant; throw a little warmth and sunlight its way. I'm referring to your relationships. Your ability to perceive potential is usually an asset, but not now. Your great strength?intuition?becomes a great weakness when you use it to self-sabotage. Don't get a glimpse of scarily exciting latent possibilities and declare: "I'm not ready for what I think this might be." Fuck that. If it's here now, go with it, ready or not. It may be your last chance for ages; that particular patch of ground won't be fertile again for a long time, and the big "What if?" that'll haunt you if you don't explore it will last much longer still.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

So many of the things you enjoy are like girl-on-girl mudwrestling: illusory, short-term fun. Those women are there for a quick buck or a cheap thrill. They're usually more psyched to shower off and go home?and not with each other. My point is there's nothing wrong with a little fun, but so much of your life is candy, and at this point you're borderline diabetic. There's no need to cut desserts from your menu, but this week, consider adding more substantial and nutritious "foods" to your daily regime, things that won't burn away in a flash but might actually sustain you for a long, long time.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Getting what you want right now is about as easy as training a cat?in other words, almost impossible. Cats aren't inherently eager to please you, like dogs. They're most interested in pleasing themselves, like some of the people you're forced to deal with. You've tried reason, positive reinforcement, gentle nagging, passionate entreaties and a multitude of other strategies. It's down to two last options: either you simply make it harder or more unpleasant for them to not do what you want than to do it; or you give up completely, and let it go.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Pluralism, the idea that there are numerous other worlds harboring intelligent life, was taboo in the 17th century, when the powerful Catholic Church was desperate to believe that Earth was the center of the universe and God's creation. One pluralist, Bernard de Fontanelle, however, delighted in the unpopular concept: "When the heavens were a little blue arch, stuck with stars, I thought the universe was too strait and close. I was almost stifled for want of air. But now it is enlarged in height and breadth? I begin to breathe with more freedom, and think the universe to be incomparably more magnificent than it was before." You should identify. Despite external pressure to the contrary, your universe just got a lot bigger and more fascinating. Breathe easy.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Smell, our seemingly most primitive sense, is often linked to spiritual or esoteric ideas. Sainthood and divinity, for instance, have often been associated with pleasant scents (many saints were purported to exude delightful aromas, like roses or violets). Beyond mere scent, pheromones seem to have a lot to do with whom we're attracted to, trust or simply like or dislike. Skeptics might argue it's bullshit for you to heed a gut feeling that's probably based on some chemical interaction happening below the level of conscious thought, but I hope you don't. It might be bullshit some of the time, but not this week. While you're looking for the lessons and experiences you most need, don't think. Just follow your nose.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Pretend you'll momentarily be handed the direct cellphone number to a famous celebrity you admire (or lust after), an influential politician or some human embodiment of divine inspiration or enlightenment. You'll have 15 minutes to pick his or her brain and find out everything you wanted to know about being popular, sexy, powerful or wise. What will you ask? Plan carefully. You don't want to waste precious minutes hemming and hawing, or exchanging gossip and recipes. Cut right to the real meaty stuff. Once you have your list of questions, answer them: The universe, for a limited time, is giving you unprecedented insight regarding the answers to your most pressing concerns. Heed those resolutions. They're all exactly right.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Kicking ass is one solution. You're certainly capable of whipping some serious butt to get what you want, right now. It may even seem necessary, and not all that undeserved. But playing rough is going to burn some bridges, bridges you probably won't need?but you never know. I don't intend to stop you if you still want to open a can of whup-ass, but if you wait about half a week, you might be able to get the same results with nothing more violent than a lashing from your silver tongue. You decide which will be more effective, and fun.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

When your goose starts laying golden eggs, it changes everything. Before, you'd think of it as a source of the occasional breakfast omelet, and, eventually, a delicious holiday dinner. But afterward, you're suddenly aware of just how special and precious it is, and start treating it differently (providing it with special nesting material and organic feed). That attitude shift is acceptable regarding a goose, but if you change the way you treat a person based on what they give you, you'll seem like a big ol' ho. Your best bet: Treat everyone as if they might someday be laying golden eggs in your honor. Then if they ever do, you'll be all set.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Scorpios dangerously confuse nostalgia and regret. The former is fondly imagining your mom's teenage years, when she used to iron her hair flat and go make out in the back of her boyfriend's dad's wood-paneled station wagon. The latter is obsessively reliving, mentally, a past decision you wish you could change. Unfortunately, too many Scorps get trapped in a sadistic cycle, where each bemoaned choice begets more bad choices, because you're paying more attention to your past than your present, until years later, you finally notice you've wasted your life. Quit it! Shake it off. Pay attention to what (and who) is happening now. Stop beating yourself up for an ancient mistake, so you can keep from making more errors to regret later.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Sitting pretty on your throne of blessings and abundance, you might not feel inclined to take risks. Why bother? You're all set, and you've traditionally ascribed to the philosophy of not fixing what ain't broken. But please consider: is it really better to take chances when you're down and out, and each failure will really hurt? Sure, no one will blame you for just relaxing and enjoying what you have. But I wouldn't recommend waiting to play roulette until you really need to win at it. Imperil your comfort zone, while you have one, so you won't have to take risks when every fall will kill.