This Week's Horoscope

Wendell and Cass are gay penguins who live at the New York Aquarium. Homosexual matings were once considered uncommon (but have now been observed in most wild animal species), so these two got a lot of attention about eight years ago, when they first got together. Now, they're more notable for having, say, an exceptionally neat nest, than for both being male. I mention it because this week you'll notice that something you once considered strange has become accepted and familiar. Don't freak out about your heretofore-overlooked shift of consciousness. It's part of your natural mental evolution. When you encounter a bizarre-now-familiar element of your life, just say, "Oh, another gay penguin," shrug, and move on.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Let the future be a complete surprise. This may seem like obvious advice, until you consider your incredible foresight, and how much you've come to rely on and trust it. Your ability to accurately forecast future events and probabilities has made you overconfident, and you consequently sacrifice being really present at times. Shake off the conviction that you know how events will play out. Things could really go either way. Unless you want to live in chagrined hindsight all week, forego trying to look ahead, and just pay attention to what's happening now.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Eudaimonia, in Aristotelian philosophy, is described as a state of happiness derived from a life of activity governed by reason. Let's face it; you're not the most logic-driven person. You're not even a Vulcan-identified Trekkie. But try to (temporarily) replace the emotion-guided rudder that's steering your ship with one powered by rational intelligence. Cool thought will serve you better for the foreseeable future than even your renowned intuition ever could. It may be difficult to make the switch, but for a week it won't kill you to be guided by this rule: whenever they conflict, brain trumps gut.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Mail-order brides do not make good gifts. You know that now. I hope you've also learned to not shove any of your other quick-fix solutions onto anyone else, even if you're still willing to occasionally attempt them for your own problems. Since virtually none of the quandaries you're doomed to encounter this week can be solved with a one-step resolution, don't waste your time trying?you'll invariably complicate and intensify the situations that way. Forget shortcuts. Instead, consider the very real probability that these destinations can only be approached by the scenic route, and go that way.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

The bucket of water completely dissolved the old witch like brown sugar, just as you'd been told. What you weren't informed of, before you doused Her Wickedness with ice-cold water, is that you'd be asked to take over her job. Ooops. You thought you were in charge of vanquishing, not replacing. There's not much you can do about that now. Still, I can't help thinking that things worked out for the best. Prove me right: You got rid of some form of incarnated evil in your life and were granted their role as your "reward." Don't just tackle the job; do it better, with no more than half as much iniquity, since you can.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Treasured vinyl records will warp when left in direct sunlight too long, but your roommate didn't think of that, did she? Still, as valuable, emotionally and financially, as that mint-condition White Album was, in the grand scheme of things it's virtually meaningless. Don't overreact to shit like that this week, however tempting it may be. The more you dwell on petty non-issues as if they were important, the more tempted the universe will be to deliver something big that really matters, just to get your perspective straight. Yep; this week the cosmos is that aggravated mom who yells at her crying children: "Shut up, or I'll really give you something to cry about!"

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Tethered at either end by major holidays (whether or not you personally celebrate them), this week is astrological no-man's land. Imagine being led, blindfolded, onto a random amusement park ride by someone you only half-trust. One thing's for certain: Whether it's a massive rollercoaster, ready to whip you unpredictably in any direction, an exhaustingly tedious Ferris wheel ride, or the gruesome intensity of being pinned to a wall by centrifugal force while the floor drops out, you're stuck on it for the duration. My advice: Remember that some people take rides just like these for fun. Since no one's going to stop the ride halfway through so you can get off, smile and make the best of it.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Lloyd's of London will insure virtually anything, perhaps even something as hard to define as self-confidence. That's fortunate, since you're screwed without yours. You're riding high on the sunshine-y power of your healthy ego in full-force, but if you let that brilliance falter, you could end up spiraling into a damaging pattern of diminishing returns that could leave you depressed all winter. So equip yourself with a parachute. Lloyd's, at least, will make you filthy rich, should your confidence fail. But even if you can't afford the exorbitant premiums they'd surely charge you, there are other ways to underwrite your poise, so you end up with a win-win situation either way. The irony?the better your safety net, the less likely you'll need it.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

What are some of the lessons you've learned? Gold lamé looks better on drag queens, being the M.C. isn't as much fun as it looks, and having your reputation precede you everywhere is actually exhausting, thanks to the heightened expectations that go along with. Personally, I'm excited that you tried on such a radically different pair of shoes and walked way more than a mile in them. You'll survive the emotional blisters and callouses that resulted, and this week you'll return to your familiar version of reality proficient in at least one new skill you never thought you'd have.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Pomp and circumstance have their places, but leave them there, among the graduation ceremonies and British courtrooms. There's no need to whip out formal robes or powdered wigs just yet. Just keep it real. When it comes to the deep, soul-to-soul shit, you can't hide behind "rules of order." You've repeatedly chosen to enter the lawless world of love and lust. Don't fool yourself into thinking you can impose order on that chaos. Little from the outside world intrudes on the reality you create and share with someone else. Since most of this week's important events and interactions will take place in that little world, just live there?as fully as you can. The more wholly you can occupy that space, the more you'll be able to extract for use in the "real world" outside.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

If DNA evidence were brought to bear in processing most of the emotional crimes you're accused of, you'd be convicted every time. Fortunately, you can't easily be sued for breaking hearts or making people mad with lust. But the karmic statute of limitations is a bit longer than the legal one, and you might encounter some repercussions from some mental misdemeanors you committed way back when (innocently enough; in your defense, it seemed like everyone was having fun at the time). Don't resist the cosmic subpoena; some part of your soul craves an accounting, and the punishments you'll be sentenced with won't be as gruesome or insufferable as you think, and will be drastically outweighed by the lingering guilt you'll subsequently be able to shed.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Dairy industry hardliners have a solution for those people who "claim" to be lactose-intolerant: drink more milk. Since you'll be deluged with advice like that this week, learn to see through the motivations behind it, which have more to do with sinister ulterior motives than your own best interests. Your emotional allergies can't be resolved by overloading them any more than a body can be taught how to break down milk sugars. Instead, find saner solutions that won't have you cramped and shitting for hours. For instance, many people who can't digest cow-milk based products can happily assimilate stuff crafted from goat's milk (which is lower in lactose). Find your own enjoyable alternative.

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