This Week's Horoscope

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Bush disemboweled the protections that prevent new logging roads in a third of our national forests. He killed the rule created by the Clinton administration while holding up its corpse, a la Weekend at Bernie's. Granting decision-making power to local communities (who often lack a big-picture perspective) drastically increases the likelihood that these precious natural areas could be reopened to development, thereby sacrificing irreplaceable wild land for the sake of temporary economic gain, mostly reaped by huge timber companies. Playing with dead bodies isn't funny outside of the context of a cheesy Hollywood comedy. Don't be an ethical sneak. You're no politician (that's a good thing). Being upfront could win you an election anyway, with no string-pulling or vote-buying necessary. If you're going to cut the guts out of something for money or whatever reason this week, own it.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Need an interesting tidbit on your favorite mobster, or just want to know the latest gossip from the world of organized crime? Check out [www.ganglandnews.com](http://www.ganglandnews.com). It's a forum for would-be and actual Mafiosi, and their girlfriends, ex-wives, children, etc., as well as the thousands of people who are into them. Whether or not you're a big-time Sopranos addict, you must admit that anything a little glamorous and illicit has special appeal. This week, act out your seedy, sexy fantasy. Next week's won't be nearly so easy (or fun) to make come true.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Madonna is a perfect example of Leonine changeability. You're incredibly dynamic over the long haul. You rarely pass up opportunities to reinvent yourself, usually with impressive results. But sometimes you move on to the next look, chapter or attitude before you've squeezed all the lessons you're supposed to learn out of the first one. By the time you realize this, it's often too late. So before you jet off to Thailand for that gender-reassignment surgery or discount nose job, consider this: Are you really done with who you are right now? Better make sure before you take that next step, because getting rid of that Barbra Streisand schnozz (or crotch) you ordered is a lot harder than getting it in the first place.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

The Onion, America's foremost satirical newspaper (see online version at [www.theonion.com](http://www.theonion.com)) has moved to New York City. Bored with its former home in the Midwest, it migrated to one of America's cultural meccas to try out the paper version of the publication in that complex and challenging venue. I wish them luck?and you, too. I predict you'll be following in their footsteps before too long, and taking one of your own treasured projects to the next level, or perhaps even skipping directly to the one after that.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

At [www.SaveBioGems.org](http://www.SaveBioGems.org), an Internet activist site, it only takes about 10 minutes to send correspondence to your congresspeople regarding pressing environmental issues. It's lazy-man's activism. I gleefully sent faxes pleading for protection for the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, policy changes at Yellowstone and environmental restoration for Florida's Everglades. I feel lucky to have found a site that reflects my views and facilitates their communication. I don't know if there's a website that could help you as you teeter between bitter cynicism and hopeful action, whether your issue is the environment, your workplace or your latest love affair, but I hope you find whatever it takes to make you do something, instead of despair about it.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Words like "fuck" and "shit" are crude, but let's face it: they have power. They speak to everyone. Despite overuse, they still evoke reactions. They harshly hit the ear with almost physical force, without pretentiousness. That's why I use them. You've heard them before. Frankly, you'd have to go out of your way to be truly offended by them. Why waste your time? However, if some fraction of your life simply must be spent in righteous indignation, take umbrage with the world's countless inequities, human rights violations at home and abroad or the permanent despoilation of our planet's dwindling resources. Getting angry over what someone said or wrote in an astrology column, of all things, is pathetic, when there are so many real things going down out there that should piss you off.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

It's like a story out of a Gothic fairytale: an aristocratic Italian family living in the shadow of a curse. Half of them suffer from an affliction that strikes during the 50s?fatal insomnia. You may sleep like a log, but you do have something in common with the aforementioned clan: the temptation to view your difficulties in dramatic, almost legendary light. While this feeds your larger-than-life self-image, it's not useful. Your problems have an easy solution, believe it or not. To discover it, turn off the spotlight and megaphone for a minute and relinquish center stage long enough to self-administer the suddenly obvious cure.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Ronald Biggs wanted to go home. Nearly four decades after he committed one of Britain's most celebrated crimes, "The Great Train Robbery," this semi-villainous "people's hero" decided to face the music. You probably think he's crazy; if you managed to escape to Brazil with millions of stolen dollars, you'd probably find a way to live with the guilt. It's hard to imagine what could compel you to go back, but you may get a glimpse this week: although the stakes are much, much lower, you're very likely to find yourself confessing to a misdeed you could've gotten away with. The question on everyone's lips, including mine: "Why? Why'd you do it? Why give yourself up?" Remember your answer; you'll be tested later.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

By publicly apologizing for historic Christian persecution of Jews and wrongdoings against the Greek Orthodox church, and by making an unprecedented visit to an Islamic mosque, Pope John Paul II has done more in a couple of years to attempt to atone for past errors, evils or ignorances perpetrated by the Roman Catholic Church than most popes do in their whole lives. If the leader of one of the world's most tradition-oriented and conservative organizations can have an open mind, why can't you? Relax your stubborn kneejerk ways, and reevaluate a decision that was made in the past?whether yesterday, last month or last century.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

I'm exhausted. I stayed up to celebrate at a full-moon party earlier this month, and I still haven't caught up on sleep. Playing all night out in the desert was sweet and special, but by a few hours past sunrise I was beat. Still, it felt good to shake up my normal routine a little, for once. Sure, my brain is fuzzy and sleep-deprived, but it's completely free of its previous rut. Shaking yourself free of your own mental stultification could be as simple as physically varying your routine (preferably by doing something fun, like dancing all night or eating chocolate for breakfast). Let me know what works for you.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

I don't blame you for being angry. It's like you've been stomping grapes in the barrel for years and they still won't let you taste the wine. I remember feeling justifiably pissed when I worked in a gigantic health-food chain in which none of the employees was paid enough to be able to afford to actually shop there. We compensated with some judicious, team-oriented, facilitated five-finger discounting. Perhaps not the most ethical resolution to our dilemma. This week, I'm counting on you to uncover the more karmically sound solution to your own injustice.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

I've had a Superman comforter ever since my first bed. At this point, its slightly embarrassing nature is overwhelmed by its sentimental value. In order to keep it but make it fit in a little better with the rest of my mostly grownup decor, I want to use it as the filler for a new quilt. Even though I'll probably be living with Superman for a while yet (since I don't currently have a sewing machine), you can go ahead and apply my solution to your own maudlin mess. Don't throw away the sentimental dross you thought was holding you back, but couldn't bear to get rid of. Just put a new face on it.

[Caeriel@yahoo.com](mailto:Caeriel@yahoo.com)