This Week's Horoscope

Being buried alive was a popular (and occasionally justified) public paranoia during the 18th and 19th centuries. Some people considered the possibility so likely that they equipped their graves with bells they could ring from inside their coffins, to signal for rescue. While you won't have to literally claw your way out of a casket this week, you may have to metaphorically, unless you take proper prophylactic steps. Your craving for freedom occasionally compels you to risk valuable pieces of your life, like treasured relationships, by disappearing or playing possum; inciting people to slap on an epitaph and leave you buried with all their past mistakes. Don't let yourself be covered over and left for dead. Get a big, loud bell to ring. If things are alive and kicking, despite appearances, make sure everyone knows it.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

TV lawyers lead amazing lives. They're paid to be sexy, compelling and persuasive, and achieve their agendas with a minimum of paperwork or bureaucracy. Unfortunately, real life doesn't usually confine itself to what serves a dramatic narrative. Actual lawyers spend the bulk of their time filing forms and doing research, with only the occasional excitement of arguing a case in court. Charm and eloquence alone won't cut it this week, if you hope to get what you want. You're not auditioning for the role of mover-and-shaker. You're actually moving and shaking, and that involves, ironically, sitting down and doing all the nitty-gritty work. Don't worry?even though the process may at times be tedious, the results won't be.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Time machines are, according to modern physics at least, impossible. But physics aside, you might as well have a DeLorean that enables you to revisit past mistakes and wipe the slate clean. Usually when you're granted a second chance, it's colored by the blunders you made the first time around. This week, however, you get another opportunity to do things right without being handicapped by memories of how you did them wrong before. One warning: If you miss this opportunity to correct old screw-ups, you're fucked. You don't get a second chance at second chances; the universe is kind, but not that kind.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Perfect your Snow Dance. Your recent emotional scrapes may be minor, but they've left parts of your soul rubbed so raw that they can't happily bear encounters with the harsh, gritty edges of unvarnished reality. The best way to give yourself the psychic space to heal your scuffed spirit so the abrasions go away without infection is to generate a temporary buffer between you and life's uglier faces. A downy blanket of pristine white snowfall would be perfect to obscure reality's dirtiest parts, and by the time it all dissolves into disgusting gray slush, you'll not only be hale and whole, you'll have the equivalent of thigh-high, fur-lined waterproof boots.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Rams have massive, sturdy, curled horns, ideal for knocking heads with predators and competitors. But that generally non-lethal formidability has led to some reckless behavior on your part. When you don't like something, you're usually quick to lower your head and shove it off the mountain, without much regard for the consequences. This week, however, a little more subtlety and foresight is required, as the universe temporarily straightens those metaphorical weapons, transforming them from perfect ramming tools to ones more apt to gore and pierce. As you'll soon learn, an exponential increase in strength and effectiveness is best met with restraint and caution, not bloodlust. Embrace the irony, instead of resenting it: the more power you have, the less you get (or need) to use it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Bigfoot is dead. Taurean Ray L. Wallace spent nearly five decades impersonating the elusive primate, bringing the myth alive. He bemused many a Sasquatch hunter with tracks he made while wearing enormous carved wooden prostheses on his feet. Whether or not anything like Bigfoot actually exists, Mr. Wallace engendered believers all over the world. In many ways, it no longer matters whether Bigfoot is real?one of its chief proponents became just as legendary and interesting. All Taureans have this power, to compel and excite with the force of their convictions or passion. This week, use yours to make the world more magical, not less.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

The Full Moon shines in your sign this week, bringing with it a rare internal unity of purpose and intention that, if properly harnessed, could resonate for weeks to come?and result in unprecedented forward motion on one (yes, just one?that's sort of the point) of your high-priority goals. Usually you solve the problem of chronically split motivations with incredible multi-tasking skills?and everyone is impressed with how you capably manage an inhuman workload while downloading an ungodly amount of porn. But for the next couple of weeks at least, you'll be able to forget 9/10ths of your distractions and just concentrate on one great thing. Don't perpetuate your slapdash, semi-crazed inclinations out of force of habit. You've got some serious focus right now; use it.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Emotional expressions come in many forms, and you have to learn to interpret and accept them as such. You're gifted with an eloquence of self-expression to match your tidal emotions, but most people lack that skill, and are forced to couch their feelings in actions that require some interpretation, or even deciphering. That's where your practically psychic intuition comes in. Use it to take up the slack that spans the gap between what they want to say and what you want to hear. Instead of demanding that an expression of love or anger or sadness comes in a familiar package, accept and understand it in whatever form it's delivered, be it dirty joke, burnt breakfast, or expensive present.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Absence may make the heart grow fonder, but this week brokered distanced makes it fondest. Let me explain. Thanks to the constant preoccupation and agitation you've been wearing like accessories lately, your actual presence will mostly work against you this week. However, avoiding the spotlight doesn't mean you need to be forgotten or uninvolved. A sexy letter or dirty voicemail message will go a long way towards whetting the appetites of those you miss the most. Then when you finally reemerge from your current busy, distracted state, your friends will welcome you with enthusiasm, not the annoyance they'd have suffered if you'd made them endure your ADD.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Unless you want "I was just trying to help?" to be your mantra this week, don't help anybody?at least not until you're specifically asked. You're (in)famous for your altruistic self-initiative, but you're more likely to get in someone's way than actually render aid this week. Don't trip the old lady you're trying to help across the street. Take a well-deserved break instead. Never fear, you're still on the route to sainthood, if not martyrdom. You can go back to your habitual, well-intentioned assistance next week, when it's not as likely to backfire and cause more trouble than it's worth.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

As much as you'd like the inscription to read, "This is for [you], without whose support and encouragement, I'd never have made it," you can't tell someone to write that when you provide them with backing and cheer. Please do support and encourage your personal heroes, but don't obligate and compel them at the same time. Unless it's explicitly spelled out, favors don't come with automatic indebtedness. The stars require me to add the obvious, and risk your offense and wrath: Don't just hand over your time and energy without mentioning the strings. Sever them completely, or keep your "help" to yourself.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Treat the whore like a princess, and the princess like a whore. This rule of thumb, creatively applied (you won't be encountering many actual imperial heiresses or prostitutes), could be used to address virtually every circumstance you're likely to encounter this week. You're infamous for your ability to pierce and act upon what you find in the heart's hidden places. It takes balls to spit on royalty or see the veiled beauty in a bag lady. But that's one thing every Scorpio (male or female) has got in spades: balls. Use them.

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