This Week's Horoscope

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

There's a time to work and a time to dream, and only rarely shall the two meet?certainly not this week! In the professional wrestling match between action and imagination, imagination is being paid to take the fall every time. That's not to say you should turn off your dream-life for the next seven days. Au contraire?embody it. Actualize it. Live inside it and make it real. Don't make believe, make everyone believe. Creatively blend the reality you experience with that you invent. Wear a crown in public or a cape to bed to remind you of your new motto: Think it, be it.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

My best Virgo friend wowed everyone back in college with her interpretation of a one-woman performance piece. The keystone of her act's success was the tremendous first impression she generated. Dramatically tossing aside a bouquet of flowers from a clear glass vase, she chugged the water within like clear, imported spring water, instead of tap water filled with floating bits of rotting plant debris and dead insects, all brilliantly illuminated by spotlight. After nearly draining the vase, she looked up with a charming, mischievous smile and began her monologue. Follow her example. If you can begin the task ahead with the kind of flair that'd earn you a standing ovation right then and there, just imagine the feats (and accolades) you'll have under your belt by the time you finish it.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Quit the defensive. Get your ass off the front lines of your ego, and back to the important work you should be doing. Ani DiFranco sings: "I don't care if they eat me alive; I've got better things to do than survive." In other words, the critiques you're wasting time rebutting are irrelevant, at least for now, when compared to the magnificent feats you should be wrapping up. What do you mean, you haven't started yet? Get your butt in gear?you have barely enough time to finish.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

That goddamn plateau. At some point, regardless of what you're doing, you reach a level of efficiency, skill or strength you can't progress beyond. At that point, whether it's fucking, filing or weight-lifting you're working on, it's nearly impossible to improve upon your best times or record achievements. A less obsessive sign might simply shrug and accept it, be proud of what she'd accomplished and leave it at that. You swell with angst instead. Don't get frustrated. Cheat. There are ways to improve despite your human limitations. Athletes, prostitutes and temps alike could suggest a few methods for getting better results (drugs, trainers, toys), but I'm sure you'll come up with a few of your own as well.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

I went beach camping last weekend. Frustratingly, I couldn't find a place to bring my dog where he could romp leash-free. It's galling to leave Brooklyn, where Eli almost never uses a leash, to go camping, and have to keep the poor hound tied up the entire time. Oh, there are all sorts of reasons why Prospect Park allows leashless mutts, but most of the Northeast's coastal parkland does not. I'm not interested in any of them. I just mentioned this backward scenario because it reflects your own ironic situation. All those wandering adventures, seeking maximum freedom? They're unnecessary. You're most likely to find what you're looking for back home.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Tonight, at last, the Gates of Hell will open in your basement, vomiting forth all manner of demons, zombies and unholy avatars. If you failed to properly cast the pentagram around yourself, you will surely suffer, for they may?whoops, that was the horoscope for Satan's Black Magic Quarterly magazine. Sorry about the mix-up. Unfortunately, this week you're bound to have more than one close brush with a world you'd rather have no part of. Luckily, you won't need magical protection from any of them?just keep walking.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

More than once, I've seen you shift a personal conflict into the realm of the abstract (where you reign, conveniently enough). Suddenly, a disagreement about your open relationship becomes a political discussion about which is U.S. President Bush's chief inadequacy. Sublimating real needs into academic diversions isn't very satisfying. Sure, you may have won the argument about Western hemisphere trade relations, but it didn't bring that rewarding sensation of smug self-satisfaction?because you never resolved the underlying issue: your confusion, anger or hurt. This week, I challenge you to reverse the pattern. Every time you feel tempted to engage out loud in mental abstraction, stop yourself and instead share something real, something personally relevant. It'll be good practice for the months ahead, when being vulnerable and human will get you more of what you want than you thought possible.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Dan Savage's sex advice column, "Savage Love," used to begin every letter with, "Hey, Faggot." Perhaps that slightly controversial intro was too much for more conservative audiences to swallow, and in the interest of greater sales, he toned it down. My crappy, ignorant opinion: he sacrificed part of his column's strength?its button-pushing edginess. Sadly, often success (especially the financial kind) comes at the cost of respect. This week, you may have to decide which is ultimately more important to you.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

It's a great week to perpetrate one of your infamous scams. If you've been putting off that big heist until the right time, this is it. Though I don't advocate such chicanery (your karma is scuffed and tarnished enough as it is), I feel it's my duty to inform you how to get the most out of your situation. However, may I suggest turning aside from your slightly crooked and overrationalized ways? Sure, you may not end up with the pockets of cash you imagined your con job would yield, but the legitimate things you can get away with this week are almost as lucrative, and much less sinful.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Every once in a while, I get a flirtatious e-mail from an enthusiastic reader. The vast majority of the time, if my admirer's a guy, he assumes I'm female, and if the writer's a woman, she assumes I'm straight. Every time, I debate whether I should address these assumptions or allow them to continue unchecked. Since I most likely will never personally encounter any of these people, it's sort of irrelevant. It's almost not even worth devoting brainpower to, like the kind of pointless nondecisions that may consume your week. Since you can't abstain from the votes you couldn't care less about, cast them quickly, so you can get them over with and move on to more important things.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

The best word that could describe the specific kind of gloomy ennui you're suffering from this week is Weltschmerz. It occurs when you compare the actual world with the ideal one you made up in your head. Bad idea. Reality is messy, and much more surprising than anything you invented. The solution to your depression isn't to try to quit comparing the two universes, internal and external, but to revise the one you envisioned so it more accurately resembles the one you supposedly didn't. I think you'll find that the more closely you model your imaginary world after the outer one (with a few incredible leaps of faith and strokes of luck thrown in, naturally), the more ably you'll be able to influence the "real world" to imitate your imaginary one.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Back in my Santa Fe days, when my friends and I repeatedly ripped off the corporate health food store I worked at, we justified it by convincing ourselves they bought insurance that would protect them from our devious method of shoplifting. Assuming our theory was correct, we rationalized, no one lost, and we ate much better than we could afford. Flawed logic or not, at the time our consciences were assuaged by our full, organically fed bellies. Don't despair over choices you made years ago. If you can't reminisce fondly, then at least think of your less proud moments as a testament to how far you've come.