This Week's Horoscope

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

It's easy to picture the impending, troubling events you've been dreading as 18-wheelers, all speeding recklessly toward the five-way intersection you're hanging out in. You've been praying for an airlift from a rescue helicopter, so you could at least get out of the way while all these situations wreak multi-ton havoc on each other. You'd still have a major mess to clean up but you could spare yourself any direct pain and suffering. Too bad it ain't gonna happen. Don't despair, and don't start eyeing the sidewalk or manhole covers as possible ways out. You're ready for this. Just put on your white gloves, hold your ground, wield all the authority you can muster, and you should be able to direct them all safely past this potentially devastating conjunction with no consequence more unpleasant than a breath of diesel exhaust.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You make a big show of despising rules, but we both know that there are times when you desperately crave authority, limitations and strictures. It's terrifying to be so powerful and multifaceted. You'd be grateful for the occasional, temporary imposition of outside control, and the safety, structure and predictability it provides. Sometimes all that dormant creativity needs to be awakened is a bunch of lines to color outside of. Accept the indignity of short-term restriction this week, and you'll reap benefits even I can't fully predict or imagine.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

It's not that you're ill-intentioned, but you've occasionally let semi-important relationships slip into semi-obscurity in the past. I'm sure in the back of your head you assumed that a sincere apology and a little effort on your part would repair these damaged friendships when and if you desired them in your daily life again. That's mostly true, but occasionally there are those grudge-holders who won't let it be that easy, like the buddy you're about to let slip through your fingers. Don't. It's easier to make a little effort now than to move the mountains that will rise up between you if you let it wait.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Your karma's flashing a yellow warning; you're in danger of slipping into the kismet red zone. Your adherence to concrete reality has gotten you in trouble. Whereas you'd never stand idly by while your buddy was actually choking on a peach stone, you have let him stifle trying to wrap his head around a big, heavy issue. While he's struggling to get air, things are piling up on his plate. I'm tempted to rush in and give him a spiritual Heimlich myself, but I don't want you to miss this chance to repair the damage done by your inaction. Just remember: while most places (luckily) don't actually have Good Samaritan laws (that require you to help people) on the books, the universe does.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You are such a slut. Your actual sexual activity is irrelevant here; I'm referring to your social butterflyism, which has multiplied to truly shocking proportions. I'm surprised you can spare a minute between phone calls, appointments, lunch meetings and Palm Pilot e-mails to even read this horoscope. Don't worry, I'm not going to chastise you; you're certainly entitled to work your magic on as many people as you can. But don't forget the joys of developing one or two relationship(s) to a greater depth, something that's not always possible. Since it is this week, take the time to do it. Who knows when your next chance will be?

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

This week, I deliver the last lesson in my ongoing series, "How to Survive and Thrive as a Cancer in a Crazy World: Embracing Contradiction." You may not have been aware I was grooming you for any kind of degree, but you're so close to graduating that there's no point in getting annoyed by my surreptitious educating now. Without further ado, the lesson, summed up in one pithy sentence: Live every day as if it's your last, and as if you have all the time in the world. As soon as you deliver your thesis?proof that you've at last mastered this most difficult near-paradox, I'll happily hand over your new title, one you should wear proudly: Evolved Cancer.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Last November, the United States Food and Drug Administration approved the first-ever legal test of MDMA, usually called ecstasy, as medicine. Used in conjunction with psychotherapy, E's use as an aid in dealing with posttraumatic stress disorder will be studied. (They expect fantastic results.) Sometimes it takes something as big as a national government a long time to consider, let alone grasp, the obvious. Since some people are about as obtuse as your average bureaucracy, clue them in to the points you consider self-evident. I bet they'll be surprised.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

I'm sorry, I overlooked you this week. I let this slip until the very last minute. That's what you get for being a wallflower. There are times to be a squeaky wheel and times to sit back and let things happen, and I thought you'd become an expert on determining which was which. Here's a review. When you see a golden opportunity, get up and grab it. When someone's looking for a scapegoat to blame, sit down and look busy. If someone already grabbed the opportunity you were too wimpy to snatch when you had a chance, smile politely and offer congratulations. And when someone's blaming you for something that's not really your fault (like forgetting to write your horoscope), throw it back in his face.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Earlier this month, Capricorn Stephen Hawking turned 60. For a man who was never expected to live so long (he was given a much shorter life expectancy back when he was first diagnosed with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis?Lou Gehrig's disease), just surviving is an accomplishment; remaining at the top of his field as a respected working physicist places him in a class of his own. Why don't I put this little blurb in the Cap horoscope? Because, as embodied by Mr. Hawking, they've already grasped the lesson you should consider. Too often you err in favor of mellow adaptability. This week, embrace stubbornness, determination and a refusal to recognize any supposed authority but your own amazing judgment.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Scorpios, according to tradition, are supposed to be semi-obsessed?okay, totally obsessed?with sex and death. Since the last few months have been a bit heavy on the sexy side of things, this week I figured I'd throw in a little death, or maybe a lot; enough to balance it out. How's seven million corpses? That's how many dead citizens occupy "The Empire of the Dead," the bone-lined, largely unexplored catacombs beneath Paris. More than 180 miles of tunnels are filled with anonymous French bones from most of the last millennium. What does this have to do with you? Well, not much?only that in your appetite for the extreme you could do with a little more balance. Too much of one thing is fine, just make sure you've got something equally compelling on the other side of the seesaw.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

This week you're able to perform a metaphoric meteorological feat that will make you the envy of many more rained-on signs. Without having to endure any of the actual foul weather, you've temporarily gained the ability to yank and use silver linings. One warning along with this fantastic blessing: Lest your ridiculous luck attract the attention of angry weathermen and rained-out farmers (which it almost certainly will, otherwise), you'd better share the wealth you reap, and fast.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Whoops. I forgot to wish you a very happy birthday. Let me do so now, along with a heartfelt apology for letting it slip my mind for so long. I'm not the only one who forgot to give you your proper due, unfortunately. Fortunately, I'm also not the only one who'll remember, belatedly, and most of us spacers will throw in a little guilt-motivated extra, just to make it up to you. This week, you get a chance to not only rake in a bunch of overdue loot, but you also get to look benevolent, forgiving and gracious while doing so. If only people would forget your birthday every year!