This Week's Horoscope

Fuck gimmicks. You of all people should deplore such cheap, lame hooks. You've always wanted things as real as they can be, and the illusions you do indulge are for specific, conscious purposes, like enhancing your sex life. Since attention-grabbing tricks might have more seductive power than usual this week, I urge you to resist being taken in by or using them. Make sure something is more than momentarily captivating before you succumb to it, that it has some solid substance behind it. And above all, don't resort to anything so cheap yourself. You're about as truly intriguing as they get. You don't need a gimmick of any kind, so don't use one.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Amsterdam isn't the answer, even though it may seem like it. This is the kind of week where ridiculous reasons might seem rational. For example, you're apt to decide to move to a new city, just so you could smoke pot in public. Most weeks, you'd dismiss such foolishness as shortsighted and absurd. Although you're generally a risk-taker, and consider most of your friends and colleagues at least slightly overcautious, I suggest you trust them this week. Astrological influences are bending your already daredevil-caliber judgment over backwards. Before you do anything big, ask some people you trust: "Is this a good idea?" If they say no, wait a week or two before you decide to do it anyway, okay?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Forcefields can't protect you. Despite your frequent wish that you could erect an impenetrable, invisible barrier between you and all harm, it can't happen. Besides, that's not the point. You already know that life isn't about avoiding vulnerability and pain?in fact, you're only truly living when you're open to those possibilities. Imperviousness is isolating. Don't settle for safe loneliness, please. There is no real safety in the world, anyway?entertaining illusions otherwise is simply foolhardy. The closest thing to real protection is people you love who love you back. How could you possibly find that wonderful crowd through a forcefield?

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Every rock you throw this week will cast down two birds, whether you like it or not. You're just that effective. Unfortunately, you're not usually counting on your doubled efficiency?in other words, you may be surprised by what you hit that you didn't exactly intend to. In order to cut down on accidents, happy or otherwise, acknowledge and plan for your exponential efficacy. You don't want to get too much more than you're actually asking for. Know exactly what you're aiming at. Decide precisely which two birds your one stone will kill, or don't throw it at all.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You're an alchemist, a synchronistic bollixer, a genius mixer of disparate elements. Whether you're taking pornographic pictures with which to construct a morality tale (drawn from your own set of enlightened ethics, of course, not some tired yarn from an outdated ideology), crafting deliciously obscene latch-hook rugs or cooking meals made of equal parts emotion and actual ingredients, you're exercising one of your greatest talents. Your other gifts (profound compassion, generosity and sensuality, among many) make you a good person?this one makes you a good artist. Since the world has need of your particular artistic vision, please use it as often as possible, this week and every week.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Grow gills. They might help you breathe water, a skill you'll find useful when you're thrown out of your element into one you've rarely, if ever, experienced before. It's essential that you feel comfortable there, like a frequent tourist. Although you won't be required to ever live in that new place, you might discover it's in your best interest to travel there, often. What is this unfamiliar landscape, and why do you need to visit it? It's the universe's answer to your most recent heartfelt wishes. Since what you want lies outside your realm of routine experience, you need to explore new frontiers in order to find it. You may discover that your desires aren't powerful enough to merit this much trouble; or you may realize that your just deserts will be that much sweeter for the work you put into acquiring them.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

ONE Billion heartbeats. That's the average number animals get before that unflagging muscle finally wears out. This can be loosely translated into lifespans: for example, an elephant, whose heart beats about 25 times a minute, lives many years longer than a hummingbird, whose pulse is much, much faster. However, as you know, quantity ain't quality. How many of those heartbeats were wasted, unnoticed and unappreciated? Since this week you're likely to learn or recall exactly how rich your life can be, I hope you can remember not to settle for anything less than that for at least 10 million heartbeats.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Self-contradiction isn't automatically a bad thing. People who are able to embody antitheses are usually fascinating. But it can also be profoundly counterproductive: lately, you've canceled yourself out. Your actions have been at cross-purposes. You're both cure and disease. Your Twins are at each other's throats. It's time to quell your astrological dissonance, and stop needlessly splitting yourself in too many directions. Consider the myriad paths for not only their destinations but the journeys they represent. Then pick one and stick to it, so you can actually get somewhere.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

The astrological waste-management team has gone on strike, apparently. You've been putting your trash out to the curb, but it's just not getting picked up. That means all the mental garbage you thought you were rid of forever is just sitting outside your front door. The problem: there is no junkyard for garbage like this?at least, there's no way to ever truly be rid of it. That's not to say that you need to carry sacks of fly-ridden pestilential baggage around with you everywhere you go, but neither can you just dump it somewhere and forget about it. Consider: There's abundant wealth in transforming weaknesses into strengths. Don't think landfill; think recycling plant.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You're a fucking live wire. At no time in recent history have you possessed this much sexual energy. It's crackling from your genitals and erogenous zones in blue electrical arcs, zapping everyone you touch, one way or another. Whether you're channeling this profusion of procreative power into prurience or passionately platonic activities, it's bound to rock the foundations. And when things get shaken up, unsought rewards can sometimes tumble into your lap, like ripe fruit from the bough. You almost never consider ulterior motives in matters of lust, and shouldn't now; still, when beneficial fallout results, be sure to catch it.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You're a whirligig, a dervish, a dynamo. You're eminently capable?you do virtually everything quickly and well. But there is one thing you're abysmal at: manifesting patience. Once you've made up your mind, you require action. To sit quietly and wait for something is simply not in your nature; it makes you crazy. You're at your coolest and most collected when you're the eye of a tornado, surrounded by a frenzy of activity. It's a flavor of enlightenment totally different from Zen meditation, which involves staring at a blank wall for hours and trying not to think. Neither route to wisdom, happiness or productivity is better than the other. However, since getting what you've just decided you want can't be rushed, read a page from the Zen book, have a nervous breakdown or take a pill: whatever it takes?just chill out.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

One pitfall Librans often fall into, to your own detriment, is assuming that others are as astute as you are. Since it's easy for you to perceive what's lacking in any given situation, you figure your own needs are just that obvious to others. Unfortunately, most people are hopelessly obtuse?they can barely figure out their own tangled inner urges; others' desires are even more mysterious. This week, have patience when your friends and lovers are too clueless to guess at what you crave. Yes, it's sweet when you're surprised with exactly what you want, but isn't spelling it out in no uncertain detail?and getting it?better than going without?

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