This Week's Horoscope

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Although you're not going to like it, I have an obligation to reveal your latest (thankfully temporary) superpower: the ability to attract what you despise. The people who provoke you the most will be irresistibly drawn to your side. Don't get aggravated when your most reliable pest-repellant tactics?ranging from biting sarcasm, blatant rudeness and underhanded friendliness?miss their marks. In fact, the more you want them to go, the more likely they'll be miserably magnetized to you. There's one way to circumvent this unfortunate influence: let go of the negative emotions that are its power source.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

This week should have you feeling safer and more content than a cat curled in a patch of thick sunlight. Enjoy the comfort; however, don't let that pleasant lassitude take over your life. Sometimes, it's better to tackle distasteful tasks when you're happy than when you're crappy. Although it's tempting to use your good mood as an excuse ("I don't want to spoil it"), don't. That reasoning is easier to overcome than the more valid justifications you'll come up with when you're feeling low and overwhelmed. Instead of occupying either extreme, find the balance between soaking up the bliss and expunging your To-Do list.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You can feel it, can't you? Summer's decadent pleasures loom. You're almost drooling with anticipation of the romping adventures that surely lie ahead. However, you have at least one more significant task before you can ditch your obligations and get down with the good stuff. I can't stress this enough: don't procrastinate. You lazy lions are the kings of avoidance. However, this particular duty will only become more odious over time. Give yourself the gift of being able to enjoy the summer without some weighty responsibility hanging over your head. Get it out of the way this week; it'll never be easier to do than right now.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

In my continuing quest to make you inhabit your body instead of living lost inside your thoughts, I encourage you to notice your health. Usually, you either take it for granted or privately complain about what's not working as it ought to. There's a middle ground between these two extremes, my dear Virgo. Well-being is a luxury, notwithstanding the sense of entitlement you have about it. If you're feeling fine, actually notice and appreciate that this week; if you're not, make doing whatever you must to glow with valued vigor your top priority.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

The human eye contains two kinds of photoreceptors: rods and cones. The vastly more numerous rods are more light-sensitive than the cones, but can't distinguish colors the way cones can, which is why colors are less discernible at night. If it were possible, I'd love to give you a temporary infusion of extra cones, to cure you of your recent tendency to see things in black and white. Besides all the delightfully subtle shades of gray you're missing, some vivid splashes of Technicolor could dramatically change your perspective on some key situations. If you intend to keep your reputation as a social genius, reattune yourself to take into account all the intricacies involved, not just the broad strokes.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Shifting between circumstances requires adjustment. I call the process of settling into your new, altered version of reality "landing." Sometimes, like visiting a different time zone for two days, it's not worth the bother. But you've been avoiding situations that require that kind of internal recalibration for far too long. I sympathize, but since you're being inexorably pushed closer to making an unavoidable, irreversible leap, I suggest that you get accustomed to the sun rising and setting at totally different times. There are so many paths you could take right now. If you want to avoid the angst of having to adjust to more than one of them, choose wisely: the destination that most closely resembles your deepest and most secret fantasies (no matter how "unrealistic"), is the one you should take.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Using a massive telescope atop Mauna Kea, HI, scientists recently discovered 11 new moons orbiting your ruling planet, Jupiter, bringing the current grand total to 39. In many ways, you resemble Jupiter, at least metaphorically: massive-souled, largely unknowable and expansive. In addition, your considerable personal gravity and influence cause many more lives than you think to orbit around you. Some of these were obvious long ago (Galileo discovered Jupiter's largest moons, Io, Europa, Callisto and Ganymede in 1610) but others are harder to discern. Now that you're becoming more aware of the tremendous influence you have, you may make use of it, as long as you remember the lesson you learned from Spider-Man: with great power comes great responsibility.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

In order to remind himself, daily, of the importance of trust, my Capricorn friend Chris is tattooing "The universe is here to help you" on his dick. While you may cringe at his bold move, you should consider doing something similar. It takes strength to unlearn old habits, especially those of distrust and fear. Just making a mental note or slapping a post-it on the fridge probably won't be enough to shake you free of ancient mental shackles. Your liberation solution may be different from Chris'; still, I urge you to discover exactly what it's going to take, and do it.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Although your distant ruling planet, Uranus, is considered a greater influence on broad, sweeping things like generations than on people's daily lives, it still does have some effect, especially on you Aquarians. For instance, when it enters into a five-month retrograde on Sunday, you may begin to experience a new openness toward esoteric shit (like astrology). This partial reversal of your former skepticism will reap some side-benefits, but I won't ruin it for you by revealing exactly what they are. Just exercise some of that developing trust and believe me when I tell you not to resist your blossoming interests; what they bring into your life will be a happy replacement for the cynical disbelief you're leaving behind.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

While positive reinforcement is certainly one way to encourage desired behavior, be it in pets, children or spouses, it's not always the most effective. This well-intentioned technique often misses the mark, based as it is on the oft-mistaken assumption that your "trainee" is eager to please you before himself. You may not like having to determine and maintain boundaries, but, considering your goals, it's necessary. Try to overcome this idea you've been nurturing?that optimistic dream-creation requires unrelenting positivism. Sometimes the kindest, most affirmative thing you can do is be clear: and that at least occasionally involves saying no.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Your latest shenanigans are about as likely to succeed as a nelly gay boy trying to get his best girlfriend pregnant "the old-fashioned way." Just because you've rationally decided that you want to do something doesn't mean your visceral reactions and baser functions are going to go along with your logic-based choices. While it's not impossible to go against your own nature, it's uncomfortable. What's more, the results aren't guaranteed. The first attempt might not get the job done. Will you really have the stamina or willpower to overcome your instinctive resistance as many times as necessary? Acknowledge your disposition, and work with it this week, not against it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

There'll be no vine-swinging, chest-beating, hair-pulling Tarzan hijinks for you this week, but that doesn't mean you can't have adventures. Sure, you've been a bit hooked on the primitive animal escapades that have been so much fun in recent weeks, but now step up your exploratory ambitions and inject a little class into your capers: infuse them with more Bond charisma than bootie aroma. I'm surprised a luxury-lover like you hasn't made the switch before now: while there's something to be said for fucking in the woods, for you it can't possibly beat screwing on water beds while you wait for room service.