This Week's Horoscope

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

I live in a non-neighborhood in Brooklyn. Since we're next to (but not part of) the area called DUMBO (Down Under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass), my roommate, Nick, calls it RAMBO (Right After the Manhattan Bridge Overpass). He's proud of the butch, big-gun-wielding, muscled secondary connotations of the name. I'm just happy to use anything that's not the sterile label some lame realtor somewhere has probably applied to our little cross-section of streets. This week, you'll find the number of things you can become an authority on have astonishingly doubled. What's more, your self-declared expertise is likely to be accepted, albeit it for different reasons than you'd like.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Merriam-Webster defines synchronicity as: "the coincidental occurrence of events...that seem related but are not explained by conventional mechanisms of causality." My L.A. friends have an (unconventional) explanation for this phenomenon that they coined "The Quickening." Time, they eagerly explained, is accelerating toward some unknowable climax. In the meantime, events are converging, which is why you'll learn a new word, then hear it five times in the same day, or think of someone you haven't thought of in years and subsequently encounter her several times in conversation?or in person! Whatever it's called and whatever the reasons, you're likely to experience a higher level of synchronicity than usual this week?use it. Remind yourself of all the things you'd like to have in your life but don't. You're likely to see at least a few of them before long.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Schadenfreude, lifted straight from the German language, means joy at some harm or misfortune suffered by others. Laughing at someone's expense does no real harm to that person, provided you do your sniggering discreetly enough. But it may be injurious to your spirit in the long run if it becomes addictive or preemptive of other, less dark humor. Can you imagine a habit like this? Eventually pratfalls would lose their charm and you'd move on to car accidents, plane crashes and battle zones to get your kicks. You're not really in danger of such a compulsion. But you have been forgetting that there's a lot that's harmlessly funny. Laugh guiltlessly this week. If you must laugh at someone's screw-ups, focus on yourself.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Elder James tried to convert me to his idealistic religious cult yesterday. Brawny, blue-eyed, brown-haired and just beautiful, he didn't stand a chance. He offered to save me from my queer heathen ways. I told him I worshipped many places?among them the temple of the body, and I didn't feel I needed saving. "I'll tell you what, though," I offered, in the interest of fairness, "if you try my religion, I'll try yours." As he discovered, mine's more fun. There's a lesson here: If you're going to win people over to your way of thinking, you've got to at least be open to theirs. In other words, if you want to convert, be prepared to be converted.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

This is a rough time for a startup anything to get investors. People are just not willing to take risks when they've recently taken a fall (or even watched others suffer losses). And that's just money. Some people are even stingier with their vulnerabilities and affections. Don't be discouraged by the regretful rejections you're sure to receive this week. There are still a few brave souls who are willing to put themselves and their wallets out there for the right investment. Keep trying. If anyone can coax love or capital from reluctant givers, it's you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Bongo, a celebrity lion at a zoo outside Toronto, is finally getting some, sort of. In order to maintain his docility (necessary for making films, for obvious reasons) he had to be celibate his entire life. Now that he's 14 and dying, they're giving him a chance at last-minute romance, with a four-year-old (lioness). Unfortunately, he hasn't a clue what to do. You, too, have been presented with an opportunity you thought would never come. Don't pass it up just because you're unclear about how to take advantage of it. Bongo lacks options?he's just got to fumble through on his own?but you don't. There's more than one potential teacher/helper out there, ready to help you reap your full potential. All you have to do is ask.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Hedwig and the Angry Inch rocks. The film is like a cross between Ma Vie en Rose and Velvet Goldmine. If your town's artsy theater isn't showing it, ask them to get it, because transsexual glam-punk-rock star Hedwig has a lesson to teach you, believe it or not. You're pretty good at speaking your truth, but occasionally you tone it down or tailor it to fit your listeners' ears. Don't. Blast it, shine it and scream it, no matter how unpalatable it may be to those who hear it. It's your best, quickest route to, if not happiness, a richer, fuller life. That's what you want, no? Turn up the volume on your own story this week. (And watch Hedwig.)

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You're no expert at managing your checking account, that's for sure. But your finances are irrelevant; it's your karmic balance that's off. Too often lately, your mouth has written checks that you were unable or unwilling to cash later. Lame. I know it's hard to predict your own changeable state of mind, but this degree of inconsistency is beyond the bounds of reasonable flakiness. It's unkind to those who love you, and those who depend on you. Be kind to them and yourself. From now on, when you're asked to do something, either say, "No," out of hand, or agree and actually come through.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You've been about as vacuous as a summer blockbuster film lately: flashy, brash, crammed with incredible special effects, but painfully devoid of believable character. Don't become an icon of yourself just to be larger than life. A shiny exterior attracts people right up until the point they get inside and figure out what is (or isn't) actually there. Tone down some of your mind-blowing animation; make the film of your life be less about dinosaurs and talking apes and a little more about heart, and feeling, and realness. Your ticket sales will go way down, true?but the difference is, everyone will stay to the end of the show.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

The whole world ain't out to get you. It's just old ladies and children who can't resist putting out their canes and feet to trip you up this week. Their mischief, though annoying, is harmless. You're tough enough to take it?with a smile, even. It's the province of the strong to humor the weak. In other words, the more power you have, the less you actually have to use it. Show me how much might you've attained this past year. Don't lift a finger this week. No matter who pokes fun at you, don't poke back.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Picture a pair of conjoined twins physically tearing themselves apart, muscle by muscle, and you've got some idea of the mental strife you're apt to experience this week. Resist ripping your psyche apart with needless confusion. Regardless of the nature of your internal conflict, learn from the other couples who have found themselves in similar circumstances and made similar choices: clinging to absolute conviction (and subsequent destruction), or attempting artful compromise. Option Two's consequences are uncertain, but isn't that at least a little better than Option One's bitter end?

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

No one understands loneliness like a Cancer. The irony is, most of it's self-inflicted. Squishy and tender inside your adamantine shell, how often you've cried on a shoulderless Wednesday night, tasting salt and wondering where your sweetness went. I can't tell you how to track down your lost parts. But I must advise you: at least open the gates. They're probably pounding to get inside right now. Be vulnerable, like some of the rest of us. Venture naked from your shell like the hermit crab. Chances are you'll find a newer, more expansive one before you lose your courage?one that will fit not only you, but all the misplaced parts and people who've been wrongfully trapped outside.