This Week's Horoscope

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

I've seen cars covered in keys from computer keyboards, beautiful broken-tile mosaics or with each panel painted a different color. Some people plaster their bumpers, backpacks or t-shirts with slogans, paint their faces, dye their hair or get permanently inked at the tattoo parlor. This is a great week to consider using one of these methods to get your point (be it esthetic, political or otherwise) across; the more you live inside or embody what you mean to say, the more likely it will be heard.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

This week may have something of the feel of the dark before the dawn or the calm before the storm. Not that that's a bad thing. It's a great time to share secrets, whisper tender heart-wishes or get some much-needed rest. Privately enjoy the feeling of excitement that ought to be swelling in you right about now. We're on the eve of your power time, when the sun will crack open the sky with a spear of light and thunder will make everyone but you shiver with the promise of a dazzling firestorm, all in your honor. I know how you love dramatic entrances. Prepare for yours.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Lately Virgos have been spotted lurking in exotic (to them) locales, sporting designer clothing and pretending to have lushly beautiful foreign names like Illyanna and Jurgen. If you haven't caught on, it's a great week to take a vacation from yourself. Borrow a toy poodle, buy a cheap last-minute ticket and spend the weekend on the French Riviera smoking long black cigarettes and sunbathing nude. Live a life of abject luxury, even for a day, that you could never become accustomed to?that's precisely why it makes such a perfect vacation for you. No matter how much money you spend, the perspective and stress reduction you glean from it will be well worth the price?and more than pay you back.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Dog it up, Libra. Lie around in the tall, shady grass, tongue lolling, and wait for cute people to come by and rub your belly. Reward them with happy licks and profuse, obvious pleasure. The key to happiness this week is so simple: allow people to please you, and show off the good it does you. You're lucky; most people would be delighted to see you delighted. Give them?and yourself?the pleasure of accepting their proffered pleasure. All you have to give back is your sincere thanks and a smile.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Thomas Pynchon, in Vineland, writes about the Thanatoids, dead folk who haven't quite managed to shuffle off this mortal coil. In fact, most of them refuse to acknowledge or remember their own deaths, instead living a weak kind of half-existence, watching lots of tv and waiting for something to happen. Why my recent fascination with death in your sign? I'm only reflecting back what I hear from you, you morbid screwball. Wake up! You're not dead yet, as far as I can tell?do something to celebrate life. Among ghosts' most coveted activities: sex, eating, amusement parks and sex. Shift away from your obsession with death to one of your other ones.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Go ahead, let yourself age gracefully. Sags make great old people. You're rarely the crone the neighborhood kids brand "witch," or live in the house whose windows they throw rocks at. You're almost never someone who'll wear an "Old Fart" t-shirt, eat tv dinners and never leave the house (although you might do all three in your 20s). Instead, you're the vivacious 70-year-old tennis champion, the oldest mountain climber in your club and the model who's still naturally gorgeous past menopause. Don't resist the signs of age you may discover this week?just think of them as an increase in your value.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

We are all so goddamn tired of your stubbornness that we're ready to do anything to provoke a change of course: kick you in the shins, hide your cellphone, tie you up and make you listen to poetry read aloud, force-feed you liver and onions. Look, I know I risk inflaming your intractability further by saying this, but: We will get you to change your mind. Ice-water wake-ups are no fun for anyone, and we'll resort to them. Why not cut through all the crap, see the inevitability of your eventual shift of perspective and just go along with us happily?

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Air signs are generally those who are least comfortable in their skins, who despise things like body odor, having to shave or eating. When polled with the question, "If there were a nutritional pill that absolutely provided everything you need, intake-wise, would you take it instead of eating?" more Air signs responded with yes than all of the other signs combined. However, the sad fact remains that you can't simply plug yourself into a wall outlet to recharge overnight. You've got to do all the usual things?shit, fuck, eat, sleep?that keep you functional. Ironically, the more attention you pay to your body by taking care of it, the less it requires of you.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You foul, black-hearted cretin. Your evil habits shall not go unpunished, you villainous monster. Continue with impunity your wicked ways, but don't be surprised when the path you walk suddenly leads irrevocably off a plank, with a handcuffed plunge into shark-infested waters. Actually this is not so much a warning as a promise. Even though your arch-enemies may spew foulness in your direction, along with threats, insults and a bucket of chum to tease the sharks into a feeding frenzy, you're virtually immune. What you've been up to is not so evil, after all. Walk the plank without fear, my slippery eel. You're electric, and sharks, pirates and goody-two-shoes won't dare interfere.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Every once in a while, I check out the "I Saw You" or "Missed Connections" type ads in the back of the paper. I don't trip that anyone will have seen me for real, but I can't help fantasizing. It would read: "You: Sexy 18-year-old with strikingly handsome black dog, riding a unicycle with a knife between your teeth. Me: Rugged tattoo freak, passed you on my motorcycle. You could sharpen your blade on my stubble. Want to?" Don't bother checking out the ads; they're too obvious. But do look out for the random connection that's due to come your way this week. Following up on it could lead to something unprecedented, and huge.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You remind me of the character from Sesame Street who struggles at his piano, time after time, to "compose" the simplest tunes, like "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." "I'll never get it!" he wails, pounding his forehead into the piano keys repeatedly. Even as a young child I always thought he gave up too easily and whined too loudly about it. Since you're doing what you love, it doesn't matter that it's hard. Don't be wimpy or lazy. Persist, persist. The solution is actually simpler?and closer?than you think.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

The things holding you back are tiny but obnoxious, something akin to getting your hair painfully caught in your friend's ridiculously retro beaded curtain, or your finger stuck in a too-heavy bowling ball, or your head wedged, two-year-old-style, between the stairway banisters. It won't take you too long to extricate yourself and continue on, as long as you don't overreact to the obstacles and flip your shit. So you're embarrassingly stuck. Take a deep breath, have your buddy fetch you the Vaseline and start working yourself free.