Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) For the first time since I've known him, my favorite Capricorn is in a flakier, less "together" position than I am. I even have more money in my bank account than he does. I'm not gloating, though?I'm expressing guilt. I always knew this day would come. I only hoped it would be when I was rich and famous and could easily take care of him, instead of now, when I'm just a little less poor than he is. It made me think I might've gotten carried away with all the "fuck-responsibility-and-express-your-rebellious-freedom" advice I've been giving you. This week, make sure your basic needs are met?not only for yourself, but to keep all your flaky friends from feeling guilty and insecure.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) All right, Princess. Apparently your ivory tower, luxurious as it once seemed, is getting a little too constrictive for your tastes. The view's started to bore you, and no one's climbed your hair for ages, either. I bet you feel a little like a hermit crab that's outgrown its shell, and all the dubious pleasures it may have once provided. I doubt you're ready for the big, bad, world on your own just yet. Luckily, you don't need to be, as there's a much larger, lovelier and more fulfilling palace to move into, just waiting to make you feel at home.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) I forget to drink enough fluids. Consequently, I'm always slightly dehydrated. You watery fish never have this problem. Actually, despite your idiosyncratic habits and your oddball methods, you're pretty damn good at taking care of your own needs. So what, you want an award? Fine, here's a medal. Now that you've finally mastered the basics, take it further. If you'd just let yourself, you'd be good at providing exactly what people need this week, especially at perceiving and remedying those itchy-small-of-the-back kind of desires they just can't satisfy on their own.
Aries (March 21-April 19) Hey smart-ass. I hope those spring-loaded sneakers help you jump out of the way when I take a swing at you, and that down vest cushions you when I knock you down, you trendy fuck. Wait. Don't take the bait, you boner. Everyone's always telling you to rise above the insults (probably since you keep getting your ass kicked). Maybe you should. Has it ever occurred to you that your predictable temper and unimaginative, kneejerk responses are worse than any insult? It's obvious to the rest of us. You want to impress people? Surprise us with your originality, not your brawling skills.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) "Holy fuck. That's how I look when I walk?!" was my reaction to watching myself on video. My friend Peter lent me his nice digital video camera for a project ("All right! A new toy!"). I spent all week playing with it. Basically, I filmed everything I did. You, too, could learn a lot by studying your life on tape. But I doubt you'll have to work that hard just to get an outside perspective on your day-to-day, because every Joe, Dick and Mary will be only too eager to tell you exactly what they think this week. Whether you listen to their two cents' worth is up to you, of course?but it's not going to stop them from sharing advice like: By the way, you really should be nicer to your mother.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) As you develop mentally and emotionally, you may encounter obstacles you can't surmount alone, like this 9-foot marble wall. You sense there's something incredible beyond it, so you can't leave it alone, despite the frustrating facts: it's perfectly smooth and there's nothing nearby to stand on. But you're not alone. You may meet someone (probably a Sagittarius, watch for birthday boys and girls) who's been struggling with this very same issue. So what? Well, duh. Give him a boost; I guarantee he'll reach down and pull you up. You may part ways (or not) once you've conquered it. Who cares? At least, at last, you'll be able to move on to the next thing, and that ought to be good enough.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) I ask everyone: "What's your sign?" I have a powerful internal skeptic who maintains that astrology's all bullshit. I keep that unimaginative fellow at bay with the recurring evidence I uncover in real life, little tidbits that seem to hold true much more often than not. For example, those who respond to my question with something like, "I don't believe in astrology," are almost always Aquarians?no one else bothers taking a stand on this issue, whether they believe or not. Likewise, I can usually guess the Cancers in a crowd (the girls are loud and pleasingly obnoxious, and the boys more quiet and shy). Thank you for proving my astrological prowess, but I'd rather you prove me wrong. You're supposed to be the most changeable members of the zodiac. Trick me. This week, be whatever you want to be but never are.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) A friend of mine gave me the best advice I've heard in a while: Don't want something so bad you can't say no to it. It's too late for me. I've already deliciously surrendered to my desires. But I suspect I caught you just in time. Spare yourself. Go ahead and want what you want. But practice saying no to it in your head. That way, should the need arise (you'll know if it has) you'll be able to do the same thing in real life.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Teamwork. You think you get it. You have this idea of yourself as an excellent teammate. Wrong. I'll grant that you don't try to steal the spotlight, like those rambunctious Leos, or snatch control of the group like the conniving Caps, or demonstrate the know-it-all arrogance of those experienced Sagittarians. Whoop-de-do-doo. Doesn't make you a good teammate, not by a longshot. You think you're doing a good deed by pulling more than your own weight? No. You imagine your teammates would appreciate the opportunity to slack off. They don't. This week, do your own work, and not a speck more. Once you've stopped robbing your teammates of the satisfaction of accomplishment, the opportunity to shine and the chance to be needed, I'll let you have your Team Player patch back?your Girl Scout uniform looks naked without it.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Don't kiss up. Just a friendly warning. Didn't you hear? This is Brownnoser Beat-up Week. Sucking ass and being phony just isn't safe anymore. Better quit while you're ahead. Licking boot is only going to get your teeth knocked in, not a promotion. Declare yourself honest at once, then stick to it, even if it means subtly insulting your boss or telling your boyfriend the truth about his lousy lovemaking. I mean it: if you can't be 100-percent real this week, please?just shut up.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Let's just say I don't like to compete with you. You're formidable. I'm not exactly scared of you, but you are a force to be reckoned with. I'd much rather go up against an Aries, or a Cancer?they can always be counted on to screw up at least a little. You, on the other hand, have a reputation for succeeding against outrageous odds. This week, try messing up, at least once. Otherwise you risk scaring off any kind of decent competition, and what fun would that be? You've got to have someone to sting, after all, and it's always better if it's not yourself.
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