This Week's Horoscope

This week, everything anyone says to you, on some level, is a challenge?to your authority, your opinion or to your very being. Only it's not. It just seems that way because of some waltz Mercury and Mars are dancing way out there. Your only defense is logic; obviously anyone as reasoned (if extremely opinionated) as you are would have as many allies as detractors. Even though what someone says to you might appear to be a subtle dig, trust me: it's not, necessarily. Let your brain be in charge, to avoid lashing out at the sweetheart who's approached you, waving her "I § Scorpio" pennant. It might not be sarcasm, as you suspect. Give her?and all the rest?the benefit of the doubt.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

I don't know about you, but the lesson I'm working on apprehending this week is the one where I remember to actually think before I speak. Like you, I'm a big fan of spontaneity, but it works best when I'm in a clear-headed, happy place, not when I'm down in the trenches working on my shit. You've admirably spent the past week thigh-deep in mental sludge, digging through your mental blocks and rooting out your most unhealthy patterns. When I'm in that state, I don't necessarily respond to external stimuli in as enlightened a way as I might like. Might you be the same? To avoid being irrevocably branded "asshole," I'm inclined to take a moment before I open my mouth. This week, follow my example.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Your paranoia is laughable. That you think the person across from you is interested enough to read the thing you're writing is humorous enough. That you're deluded enough to believe that they can decipher your chicken-scratch handwriting?upside down, no less?is preposterous. Shouldn't such megalomania remain the realm of those lofty Leos or egocentric Aries? The truth is, you are incredibly cool and powerful, not to mention fascinatingly brilliant. To flaunt that you think so, though, can only detract from the truth of your greatness.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Stay away from the crystal meth, will you? Speed's an ugly drug at the best of times, but this week, when a Mercury-Uranus square has virtually the same effect as a few too many bumps of white powder, doing any kind of serious stimulant would be a terrible mistake. Ride your wild mind naturally this week, and hang on. Although you may barely be able to keep up with your brain, don't try to stop it, either?it's better to just write down the myriad brilliant ideas that are likely to occur to you than to dig in your heels to explore any single one just now.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Scruff is in. Nine out of 10 guys within my range of vision have gone days and days without the blade, including me. It's a very Piscean fashion statement, to let your stubble grow, to walk around sporting a fabulous bed-head or go braless. That's right, your casual, this-is-me-take-it-or-leave-it-ness spreads as easily as creamy mayonnaise. It extends beyond mere laziness?with you, at least. While you're leading the hypercasual fashion trend, maybe you could start a minor attitude revolution while you're at it and encourage people to accept themselves as thoroughly as you do. Show them how feeling okay about extra pounds, new wrinkles or slightly obnoxious quirks is much, much more attractive than trying to hide them.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Take it out; blow off the years of accumulated mental dust that have collected on it. What is it? I can barely remember?I think it's that neglected goal you set for yourself ages ago. It was important to you then, and it will be important to you again now that you remember what it was; maybe even more important than anything else you have on your plate at the moment. Why dredge it out of your cerebral attic? Because, finally, doors have opened that will let you move miles closer to it. Yes, that's right, you're at last able to take some steps?long, loping strides, actually?toward it. The only thing that might disconcert you: they're not necessarily the steps you originally intended?they're better.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You have an intoxicating effect on people. You've heard this before, but the phenomenon has usually been confined to selected locales, like the bedroom, or during your delectable home-cooked dinners. This week, however, your delicious influence may be more universal and pronounced. Don't be surprised if people around you become suddenly prone to throwing their arms around your neck and slurring candor in your direction, or toasting you with moony affection. They can't help themselves. Just take their (complimentary) smashed conduct with a grain of salt, and be generous with the aspirin and TLC the next day.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Everyone hates grunt work. Who wants to spend half the day scrubbing mildew from between tiles with an old toothbrush, or redoing someone else's botched job? No one, but some signs are better at putting up with it than others. Let's face it: this ain't one of your strengths. However, every once in a while you've still got to buckle down and clean out the fridge or steam-clean the carpets. This week, the misery won't be as profound as usual should you decide to cross a few tedious tasks from your list. Get them out of the way while you can bear it. The sense of relief when they're finished will eclipse the foul memory of actually doing them soon enough.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

So you stepped out of seclusion with your spiritual fly unzipped. You humorously but embarrassingly exposed some rarely seen parts of yourself to total strangers. But if you're honest with yourself, the titters from the crowds that witnessed your brief display didn't mortify you or enrage you. They excited you. Yes, it's the first hint of what I've been suspecting all along: you're a spiritual exhibitionist. Soon you'll be streaking with your soul naked through all sorts of venues, and you'll wonder how and why you lived without this degree of liberation for so long.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

The shackles cut into your wrists, the mildew reeks and the rats keep nibbling your toes. Much as I love Scorpios, their birthday season is a rough time for the Leo tribe. Having the sun (your ruler) in that cool, dark, watery sign?which is about as different from your exuberant, sunny optimism as it's possible to get?made the past few weeks feel a little like being chained in a dungeon. Swallow your gruel and make it through this last stretch, though; pretty soon your buddy Sagittarius will rule the world, let you out of the pit, and all will be well again.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Oh, Pollyanna. Your rosy outlook of the near future flies in the face of all odds, public opinion and educated forecasts. But why fight it? If you have reason to hope that the next few weeks will be more wonderful than chocolate, more power to you. Be a shining example of how intention shapes reality. You know what happens to cynical naysayers? Shit happens. It just ends up justifying and reinforcing their cynicism. Unfortunately, shit happens to idealistic optimists, too. But if you retain that ability to concentrate on the silver lining of any black thunderheads that come your way, you're a lot less likely to go down with the next flush.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You have the cooties. I wish we all could catch them, because this bug's a good one?unlike most of those we have floating around these days. It's kind of a love-bug; Valentine's Day come early. Along with your hugs, kisses and fucks comes an irrepressible desire to embrace, smooch and screw. Spread the love, baby. Bring chocolate cake and money to the people you cherish. They'll thank you by passing along the sweetness to everyone they know, who'll do the same. Before you know it, it'll get back to you, a few weeks from now, just when you need it most.

[Caeriel@yahoo.com](mailto:caeriel@yahoo.com)