Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Being smart doesn't pay in junior high. I dreaded being called a nerd or geek (freak was okay, though), so I toned down my brilliance. I brashly flaunted other qualities. I struggled to divert attention from the fact that I thought about things and read thick books. I used short words to express myself. Being bright was a secret I kept well. It helped me to realize that there are many different kinds of intelligence that SAT scores don't even touch. In secondary school, showing off your intelligence can limit you in many ways. Your situation is different in the particulars, but you're also being held back by your own excellence. If you're hitting a wall even when applying the full force of your genius, try attacking it with something you're a little less good at. I think you'll be surprised at how easily you knock it down.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) I almost started a food fight in the cafe when I innocently tried to toss scraps to my dog. It was an accident, but no one likes scrambled eggs in their hair, especially old ladies. Luckily, she didn't notice, and I managed to surreptitiously brush it out when I pretended to bump into her. Bits of your own good deed might piss someone off when they get caught in the crossfire. Remember, one dog's treat can be an old biddy's nightmare. When delivering blessings this week, make sure you aim at the right person (the one who'll best appreciate them).
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) There are open sewers almost everywhere in Thailand and India. This means you have to be careful as you step out of a cab, or you might dunk your leg in the sluggish channel of disgusting raw sewage?especially since the driver's not likely to want to bring you back to your room to change. Just look twice before you take any casual steps this week, or you might find yourself up to your knees in shit. Think that's bad luck enough? You'll know better when you've had to pay double to get yourself out of it.
Aries (March 21-April 19) I watched year-old video footage of me this week. I was mortified to hear myself on tape share not one, not two, but three of the very same stories I'd told in the past seven days. The truth is, we all do this to some extent. But you and I both have to work on expanding our repertoires. Make something happen this week. Your goal: to have at least two worthy new anecdotes to add to your expanding collection.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) I hate keeping secrets from you, and I'm no good at it either. That's why I can't keep my mouth shut about this one: someone you love is hiding something incredible. Before you explode with rage or curiosity, let me explain: it's the kind of secret that not only improves with time, but one that you're better off not knowing at all (at least until the time is right). Think: surprise birthday parties, money hidden under the floorboards and rich, anonymous patrons. Now can you just shut up and enjoy not knowing, please?
Gemini (May 21-June 20) Imagine yourself building a brick wall 6 feet high. Would you start by stacking bricks, one wobbling column at a time? Of course not. If you want your wall to last, you've got to build it one horizontal layer at a time, staggering the individual bricks from row to row, and slapping a healthy layer of mortar in between to hold it all together. The same thing goes for the healthy mental defense you're trying to construct. You don't want the whole thing to come tumbling down at the slightest touch. But don't get carried away, either?it's got to stay just tall enough and strong enough to keep out the losers and prove the mettle of the winners who make it over, or through.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) I write at cafes. They're perfect for me: people to look at (without obligation to socialize?which is good, since I haven't mastered the art of talking and writing at the same time), music playing and food conveniently nearby. In your own search for inspiration, I've watched you experiment with extremes, bouncing from the equivalent of a sensory deprivation tank at home to the sweaty, loud dancefloor of a crowded nightclub. I commend you for your open mind, but to counterbalance the heavy tug of the full moon in Gemini, you're going to need something a little more neutral. Coffee, anyone?
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Cars require maintenance. An easy concept: even if you don't currently have a use for the thing, you take care of it if you think you might ever want to drive it again. If you're truly through with it, sell it and save yourself the rent on the garage space. I know I discourage you from objectification, but just this once I'll say: people are the same way. If you have an inkling that you might want or need someone in your life in the future, take care of what they need now or they might not be around later to respond to your needs. If you don't do the work now, you can only kick yourself later when the bottom drops out of the thing in a noxious cloud of rust.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) I tell lies. Convincingly. My ex-boyfriend used to accuse me of citing (very plausible) "facts" from a reference text he called The Book of Caeriel. I rarely use my power, except when propagating valuable misinformation will lead to fun and profit for all concerned. There are a few places where "stretching the truth" might be to your benefit, like resumes, anonymous phone sex and onstage. Since one or more perfect opportunity to tell a mutually consensual whopper will come up this week, let me share an important tip: 73 percent of people who included a detail (yes, or statistic) in their fibs got away with them.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Wear a dog collar this week. You might as well, given your slavish devotion to that one (most undeserving) person or principle. It's good to maintain these symbols, even if they're also slightly humiliating. That way, everyone has to confront the truth of the situation?including you. Of course, it'd also be a great place to put an ID tag, so when your obsessive, misplaced loyalty leaves you speechless, faceless or lost, someone can call you by name and help you find your way home.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) I came this close to using my keys to scratch long, wiggly lines down both sides of your car. I also almost smashed your favorite dinner plates in a righteous fit of housewifey passion. I nearly settled for calling your boss and telling him (sadly true) stories about you that would almost certainly get you fired. Oh, yes, I am evil?but don't let that stop you from asking what you did to deserve treatment like this. Want to know what? Nothing. A whole lot of it. Get off your lazy ass this week and get something done. Give yourself a little sting if my threats don't work. You deserve it.
[Caeriel@yahoo.com](mailto:caeriel@yahoo.com)