In protest, let's not eat any Chinese food until the U.S. gets its spy plane back from China. Take that, General Tsao! We won't be eating your chicken any time soon! Or better yet, let's kill one panda per day until the Chinese capitulate. These "brilliant" plans are akin to those you've been hatching. Your ineffective reprisal attempts won't get you what you want. They only hurt the restaurant owners, who just want to deliver you quality food at reasonable prices, and the poor, poor panda bears. Leave them alone! Let Ling-Ling eat bamboo and the General prepare his chicken. If you're going to direct a campaign of vengeance or play the game of "I'll Show You," make sure your target will actually feel the effects of your efforts.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
I fail to see how powdered detergent packed into blocks is more convenient than scooping the detergent yourself. They're a frivolous expense, like towel warmers or doggie clothing. Sometimes, the corners you cut cost more than they're worth. You have counters full of almost unused kitchen appliances to testify to this truth. I don't object to you making things easy on yourself. Just make sure that the steps you take to ease your life are effective ones?before you open your wallet. If thinking things through actually results in a cash surplus that you feel compelled to spend, buy a homeless guy a hamburger, you spoiled thing.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Increasingly, Indian women are aborting female fetuses. Recent availability of ultrasound technology is enabling this ancient preference for boys, who don't require dowries and can support aging parents. The result: a growing gender imbalance similar to that in China or Korea. Unfortunately, you're not so different from them: you've been terminating ideas left and right, just because you don't see a future for them?at least not one that serves your own interests. Don't cling to old ideas of how the world (and your life) works. Challenge them with your own actions?it's the only way change is even possible.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
We've already established that you have an overdeveloped sense of entitlement. For instance, you're not likely to sleep on the couch, regardless of circumstance. "The Pope's coming to visit? We'll put him up on the hideaway." Don't dispute me! You even made Grandma sit in the backseat with her bad hip because you called shotgun first. Depriving (punishing) yourself isn't the answer; it'll only make you resent the sacrifices you make for others. Instead, I recommend elevating the standards for second-best to almost the same as what you reserve for yourself. That way, if you decide to give up your famed entitlement, it won't be such a tumble down to the next best thing.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Learn to drive, old lady. Put the goddamn pedal to the metal. Or something like that. I don't want you to take unnecessary risks. But life without hazard is boring, almost pointless. "But I take risks!" you protest. Yes, but unavoidable perils don't count. I'm talking about choosing to take a chance. Lose control a little. This is a good week to do that?for every halfway reasonable risk you take, payout is 30-to-1.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
In one sweaty fist, you've got a handful of keen, probably profitable ideas. In your other slick mitt you clutch some of your most beloved, if somewhat unrealistic, dreams. Unlikely doesn't mean unachievable, however. Now that you're being forced to choose which hand you'll play this round with, consider these astrological facts: 1) Either hand could lead to the same place, depending on how you play it. 2) Your whimsical ambitions would be lucrative, if you poured your heart and soul and time into them. 3) Contrarily, the "quick-buck" ideas could free you up to pursue your true ambitions. 4) The best parts of life usually involve how you get someplace, not where that place is.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Don't speak. The only good reason to open your fat mouth this week is to put something in it. Anything coming out of it is bound to hit ears wrong. Let your eyes speak volumes, your hands whisper secrets and your genitals drive home the point. Actions will get the message across a lot more effectively than talking this week. Communicate, but silently. Substitute kisses, slaps, hugs and fucks for words, and you'll be just fine.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
It's a good week to play that nightmarish game: Would You Rather? How it works: you're forced to make choices between unpleasant alternatives. (Would you rather drink sour milk or your own urine? Would you rather be a prostitute or hire one?) That's not to say that all your decisions will be disgusting. Sometimes choosing between two highly desirable options is harder than between repulsive ones. There's not much I can do to shield you from the difficulty of your choices this week. Just pinch your nose and swallow them down. Don't look back, down or over your shoulder, only ahead?next week promises palatable, even enjoyable, decisions.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You could be about to open the door to the culmination of months' worth of effort. Would you be disappointed to discover that it's just a closet full of stuffed animals? What if you gave up at that point? You'd never learn that they're filled with money. However, the disappointment could mount when you found that although the cute little toys were crammed with genuine United States $100 bills, someone shredded them first. That's not to say you did all that work for nothing. You could still try to painstakingly reconstruct and tape together the thin strips of cash, and probably recover quite a bit of it, given enough time. But my point is clear: what you thought was the end of the road isn't, quite.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Baraka is one of my favorite films of all time. Every time I see it, I get something different out of it. The time I met director Ron Fricke in Santa Fe was my one and only experience of being starstruck. I think he was surprised I knew his name. We both stammered uncertainly, and I finally let the man continue on his way. I couldn't help but envy him for having a work of such beauty and brilliance under his belt (along with several other high-quality achievements). Although it's exciting to be at a point in life when most of my best work lies ahead of me, I hope, I can't help gleefully anticipating the moment I accomplish something big to be proud of. You're lucky that way: you're very close to no longer waiting for and finally doing, if you'll just get your ass in gear.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
A collective of escorts, sex workers, porn stars, erotic masseurs, dominatrices and phone sex operators formed a few years ago in San Francisco. Their name, the Sacred Horses, was an allusion to temple prostitutes of several ancient cultures that fulfilled their holy duty by being, well, sacred whores. The Horses' intention: to not only infuse the world's oldest profession with dignity, but to protect those involved from its inherent dangers. From practical considerations (like sharing information about bad "johns" and creating a buddy system to safeguard each other) to more esoteric ones, like simply sharing stories, emotional support and nonsexual touch, they created a community. While you're fishing around for much-needed support, keep the Horses in mind. Sometimes you have to create what you need from scratch. Bummer. The consolation: if you start your own hookers' union, you won't be the only member for long.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Asia was the adventure I craved. Basking in the unpredictability and chaos of travel there, my friends and I also reveled in a sense of freedom simply not available here. We got to live out some of our larger-than-life fantasies. Trekking around sporting motorcycle goggles, demon horns, glittered crevices and wild outfits, we looked like glamorous (if a bit unwashed) superheroes. The venues for true adventure grow few, although they can still be found. This week, seek out someplace you can have a wild adventure, or at least someplace where it'd be fun to dress as if you're having one.
[Caeriel@yahoo.com](mailto:Caeriel@yahoo.com)