This Week's Horoscope

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Among the Padaung tribe in Southeast Asia, women receive their first neck-stretching ring at a very early age, and get a new band every year or two, slowly extending their necks almost a foot. You remind me of them: you, too, have a long tradition of, well, sticking your neck out for people, each time stretching a little farther than the last. Like the Padaung, it does make you strangely beautiful. Also like them, it makes you vulnerable. (If a Padaung woman violates tribal rules, her rings are removed, forcing her to either lie down or asphyxiate, because her atrophied neck muscles can no longer hold up her head.) This ancient tribal tradition will probably die out within a generation or two because young Padaung women are refusing to don the rings. Won't you end yours, too? Once you do, you'll learn there are ways to be helpful (and beautiful) that don't involve such extremes.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Apart from dogs that have been trained otherwise, most dog fights are primarily for show?each pup is interested in establishing dominance with tons of snarling and teeth-baring. Any injuries suffered in the process are almost always superficial and accidental, and once it's over, it's over. Of course, if you interrupt them?as most overanxious dog owners are wont?they'll persistently try to reunite until their directed mayhem has determined who's on top. Conflict isn't automatically bad. This week, at least consider the idea that letting those you love have it out may be better in the long-term than any intervention you could come up with now.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Take the beer goggles off. With the full moon in Scorpio coming up next week, it's important that the vision guiding both sexual and romantic impulses be as clear as possible. It's fine to indulge occasionally in dalliances that are obviously not in your long-term best interest. But don't let them get out of hand. If your fuckbuddy is leaving a toothbrush at your place and has you on speed-dial, s/he might think things are more serious than they are. Set them straight, before things get too messy for even an inveterate emotion-hog like you.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Although you'd rather plan your next drug trip or goof-off session in elaborate detail, it might behoove you to put a little time into the more serious affairs of your life. There's such a thing as too much freedom, you know. It's all right to let yourself go wild every now and then or explore the inglorious depths of slackdom, but eventually?considering your lofty goals?you need to get your shit together. Why now? The stars are lining up a shortcut to one of your most highly anticipated dreams, but you'll only be able to take advantage of it if you're geared up and ready to leap into action.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Although my musical taste stays pretty consistently eclectic, I've found that during any given time period of my life, one particular album or artist rises to prominence, becoming my primary soundtrack for that chapter (it's currently the Strokes). Then, whenever I hear that music again later, it evokes powerful memories of the time I was obsessed with it (Incubus brings me right back to living in Los Angeles). The reason I bring it up is because there are some old lessons you learned ages ago that desperately need relearning or review. Isn't there some way (a special CD or certain type of food?) you could bring back the times when those experiences were what your life was all about? If you can't sufficiently recall those lessons, you'll be forced to learn them again, the hard way.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Don't you have some new neighbors you could be welcoming? Come on, you know you're dying to just be nice to someone. It's been forever since you last prepared a basket of fresh fruit and cheese, or brought someone a friendly bottle of cheap champagne. You have an excess of niceness right now?so much that it's kind of a problem. Before you drive your dearest familiar friends nuts with your need to lavish attention and delight on them, let off a little of that penultimately Libran pressure by fawning over some strangers for a few hours.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Maybe once upon a time there were pure beginnings, but these days there's no room for something new without ending something old. With the full moon rolling into your sign next week, it's a good time to bring something to culmination that's been cluttering your life half-finished for far too long. There are at least a couple tantalizing new things (or refreshing new takes on old things) that are not only exciting, but good for you?and they're just waiting for an opening, one that can only be provided once you achieve closure with some of the old crap.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

One of your secret?and deliciously subtle?superpowers has been a bit overused of late. I'm referring to your ability to instantly put people at ease. You can phone someone you haven't seen since high school and within seconds have them chatting familiarly, as if you just had algebra together yesterday. Unfortunately, this quick-fix type of talent can't heal a badly eroded friendship in the long-term. Only real investment of your time, love and energy can do that. This week, leave your charisma out of it, and apply at least two of those to the friendships that need it most.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Lot's wife, when forced to flee the destruction of her beloved city (Sodom), looked back. She was consumed with sentimental grief?and punished for it, by being transformed into a pillar of salt. I bet you identify?forced to leave behind something (or someone) you really loved, it's hard to resist trying to recapture the moments that made you so happy. Don't worry: doing so won't result in some crappy Old Testament punishment. But it won't help you, either?since there really is no going back in this case, trying to (even just mentally) can only make you bitter. Onward, baby?look ahead and only ahead, at least until you've gone around another bend in the road.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Enough with the entertaining detours, Aquarius. Although all these side trips have been amusing and fruitful?especially the one where you returned with an actual person?it's time to mostly resume your usual rhythms, so you can figure out how to incorporate all this new stuff (and new people) into your old life with all your old stuff and your old friends. Dust off the neglected speed-dial, and prepare for your worlds?new and old?to come together, finally. Don't worry: both will be better for it, I promise.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Although you've long reserved the right to be confused, I beg you to waive it this week. Despite your claims that muddled mystification is your natural state?stemming from your psychic ability to see more facets of a situation than most?I believe you also have a keen aptitude to slice open the gauzy veils of pretty illusion to get to the sometimes unpleasant reality beneath. Although I admire your most precious talent?the ability to perceive so many layers at once?it's simply not cut out for life in the fast lane of real life, which you're required to visit (to pass the slowpokes who're preventing your progress). In other words: less scenery, more velocity.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Maybe try putting on some rose-colored glasses, or carrying around a fog machine. This week, I recommended to Pisces that they work on piercing illusions to get to the heart of things. But you don't have a problem with being directed. You're a Ram, after all. Unfortunately, your amazing ability to get down to the stripped, glamorless nitty-gritty can be a handicap at times, when it causes you to miss out on some beautiful, life-enriching subtlety. Look, you can lower your head and charge at all your goals next week. This week, stop to sniff the flowers, munch the scenery and enjoy the view.