This Week's Horoscope

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You're not a cold person, even though some see you that way. I'd argue that you burn hotter than most. Antares, the red supergiant star that forms the heart of the Scorpio constellation, is about 700 times the diameter of our sun. If our sun were that big, it'd engulf most of our inner solar system, including Earth. Antares is one of the brightest stars in the sky despite the fact that it's hundreds of times farther than many of them?500 light-years away. It's only distance and difference that make you seem aloof. Those who've seen inside that fiery heart of yours know better. In order to improve not only your rep but that of frosty Scorps everywhere, let a couple more people touch the nuclear fires of your love this week.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

The universe rarely outwits you. But since you lost your cheat-sheet this week, you're down here with the rest of us mortals. Try to look at it as a good thing; your tendency to know all the answers ahead of time was not only obnoxious, but it kept you from developing yourself, at times. Getting an honest score on life's tests will not only earn you valuable self-knowledge, but it will bring you closer to the real answers, the ones that will mean something to you, unlike those you lifted straight out of a book.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

My favorite New York Times op-ed columnist, Capricorn Maureen Dowd, wrote, "America has entered the season of the witch." She describes how the U.S. traveled from a paradise of trivia ("wallowing in celebrity, consumerism and cosmetic-surgery advances") to a paranoia of trivia where people worry "about potential mortal threats in everyday actions?opening a letter, getting on a plane or train, going to the mall or a football game." Of course, it must seem obvious to you that giving in to such fear is not only pointless, but actually a victory for its instigators. Then why are you even considering it?

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

After executing a series of sickening belly flops and frustrated cannonballs, your hesitant approach to the diving board invites cringes all around. It's painful to witness your self-torture. I hope you'll notice none of your diehard fans have left the bleachers, however; we're still cheering you on, albeit anxiously. Don't turn away from the ladder that'll take you up to that daunting 30-foot drop. Practice is practice, even if you've only been practicing what not to do. Try again. If not for yourself, you owe it to us, and our faith in you. This time, you'll not only pull off the unquestionably difficult maneuver you've been attempting, but you'll do it so precisely that people won't believe what they've seen. They may, in fact, demand that you do it again. Go ahead. I predict a perfect 10, both times.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

"Look," she complained, cracking open her fourth fortune cookie, "I want a prophecy, not a saying." "Fuck!" I panicked. Here I thought astrology was at least as useful for self-examination as for prediction, when what people are actually thinking is, "I knew that already. Tell me what's going to happen!" The truth is, something as random as a Chinese food snack treat or as general as a weekly sun sign horoscope isn't perfect at accurately predicting the future. Having said that, I'm doing my best to manipulate yours, by sending the Geminis your way to offer help, since the weeks ahead, while not traumatizing or especially difficult, will be riddled with the kinds of annoyances you despise and they excel at getting rid of.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

No one hates suffering punishment more than you do, especially when you haven't done anything wrong. Being penalized for your precocity is so unfair?it takes you back to the days when you were forced to wait some arbitrary amount of time for responsibilities you knew you could handle, like a driver's license. Some of this unfair discipline stems from a desire to do you good: sure, you can handle the responsibilities of someone much older and wiser, but you don't need to. Enjoy the moment for what it is, and leave that shit for later. By the time you have to shoulder those burdens, you'll be glad you didn't way back when you could have.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You're not exactly notorious for your flexibility. No one expects you to put your feet behind your head or bend over backward. In fact, just the opposite: people count on you to stand your ground, as unyielding and unchanging as a stone. Consistency is a good thing, but come on. At the very least, consider the facts. If your position is well-founded, it won't be shaken by questioning or criticism. Blind faith is for the weak. Changing your mind because of a well-reasoned argument? That's strength.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Kiss a Pisces this week. You're the sign most able to understand their dualism and persistent internal conflict, and therefore commiserate. Surely you can remember many moments when you froze while your mental arguments played themselves out. Paralyzed by indecision, you may have wished that someone, anyone, would bail you out and tell you which part of you was "right." Here's your chance. Your Pisces buddies need you to clear up the myriad tiny debates that make them just so ineffective at times. Tell them what to do. It'll be fun for both of you.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

I hoard mess, so that when I feel bogged down by life's complications, invaded by its noises and tragedies and depressed by its obligations, I can clean. A good sweep can clear the head. A Virgo might argue that if one's environs were kept spotlessly tidy, one's mind would never get cloudy in the first place. Your tribemates would have a different take: what better comfort when you're confused than to be surrounded by the cozy familiarity of your own clutter? However, as an objective observer, I have to point out that in terms of personal effectiveness, the Virgos have a better track record than you do. Might you consider trying it their way for once?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

What if there were witches? What if, back during the witch-hunts in Salem, MA, and elsewhere, there were mutants, people who'd evolved past normal humankind to have paranormal abilities? In that case, the Puritans of the era squashed humanity's potential by rooting them out and burning them. Keeping us ordinary. Okay, it's a ridiculously far-fetched scenario, but something like it (on a much smaller scale) is playing itself out in your life. Before you take the seemingly dangerous elements of your current situation and tie them to the pyre, ask yourself: Could these things I fear actually be the next stages of my personal evolution?

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

When was the last time you climbed a tree? Or dug in the garden? It may be getting too chilly for constructively rooting around in flowerbeds, but your soul doesn't care about that. I've detected an unfortunate headiness pervading your life lately. Besides sex, time spent actually consciously inhabiting your body has been depressingly small. Don't you remember the realization you had last year?the one where your internal balance depended on regular, meditative time communing with nature, one way or another? Honor that lesson, and you'll find that the vast majority of things that have been plaguing you will simply slip away.

What are you, chopped liver? If you feel like you've been overlooked unfairly lately, you may have reason. It's not like you're just some freezer-burned leftovers being cast aside because you taste like crap. You are at least as delicious as the next guy, and what seems like discrimination might actually be just that. There are many things you despise, but injustice (that you're the victim of) is at the top of your list. Luckily, the planets are behind you this week. Don't be thwarted by the Tupperware ceiling. If you feel that your employer, family, friends, astrologer or midnight snacker are leaving you in the dust, speak up.