This Week's Horoscope

In his incredible essay "Stickeen," John Muir described his adventures with an inscrutable little dog by that name, which, after crossing an immense glacial crevasse on a precarious ice bridge in Alaska, suddenly became the most transparent and loving creature he'd ever known. He chronicled the dog's transformation from enigma to familiar. I know you crave the mysterious unknown. Unknowable doesn't equal valuable, however. The imagined treasure-filled depths may be hidden?or they may not exist at all. Sometimes the best things in your life are those right under your nose, the ones you think you know through and through. They have value?partly because of your deep understanding of them, but also in part because of the surprises (that will thrill you all the more, coming as they do from someone you thought you knew) they hold in store.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

I enjoy huge breakfasts on Sundays. They're the one thing that slow day is good for, at least for those of us who don't do the church thing. Consuming piles of eggs, toast, home fries and veggie sausages while I devour The New York Times is my favorite way to spend a Sunday morning. Loafing the rest of the day away in a food-induced torpor was surely not what was intended when some Christian declared Sunday the "day of rest," but I can't imagine that dressing up in one's finest and dragging off to church could be more relaxing. Sometimes, we have to fulfill obligations. Not this week, though?this week you can shirk a few responsibilities without facing hell or church (whichever seems a worse torment).

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Last month's quake in India killed thousands. It's easy to hear that phrase, isn't it? At least, easier than hearing about any one of those deaths in detail. Grasping inhuman facts where tragedies are compressed into cold numbers is much simpler than wrapping your head around even one personal calamity. Something terrible happening to someone you know or can identify with is frightening. Hearing about 500,000 homeless people absolves you of responsibility; clearly it's beyond your means to remedy. There are some problems you can solve, though?even if you'd prefer not to. Face them this week, and leave the big numbers to the rest of us.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Every year, I take this opportunity to do a little Valentine's Day-bashing. Being the most ridiculous, contrived and sorrowmaking holiday on the calendar, it deserves abuse. How do I debunk the hearty mythos of love that thrives in this country? I kiss and tell. I don't want to expose the precious secrets of my intimates so much as the mundane treasures of the realities of love?how it's both so much less and so much more than the glorified, fantastic legends it's hyped up to be. There's a difference between recognizing and cherishing the sloppy imperfections of your lover, and overlooking them in an attempt to "settle for what you can get." This VD, decide which one you're doing and ask yourself if you really want to keep doing it.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Whoops. Last week, when I suggested taking action, say, by squirting cigarette smokers who infringe on your free breathing (or something similar), did I mention that taking a tae kwon do course or buying a gun was a smart prerequisite? Unfortunately, those rude offenders believe they have the right to inflict their habits on you; contradicting that incredible assumption might enrage a few of them. I stand by my advice that you should take action regarding your convictions?I only submit that you also acquire the skills to do so effectively, preferably before you try.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

They're wearing seat belts in Cairo. New laws require them. The result: thousands of makeshift (and ineffective) seat belts installed in cars that lacked them, often nothing more than a strip of cotton attached with safety pins?anything to give the illusion of a belt to a passing policeman. You've adopted a similar strategy to cope with a limitation or rule you can't or won't accept. It's fine for the short term, but since you'll be facing something like a head-on collision in the near future, you might want to consider investing in the real thing. That is, if you lived in Cairo, you'd not only want high-quality safety harnesses, but air bags, too.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

I've witnessed dancers who can put their legs behind their own heads, and politicians who'll change their convictions depending on what song their clock radio wakes them to that morning. I believe you'd benefit from lessons from these pliable experts. No one wants you to become as wishy-washy as a Libra or as malleable as a Pisces. But if you could postpone making decisions or taking action until you've at least considered the facts and opinions of those involved, we'd all appreciate it. By the way, when choosing between physical or mental versatility, consider this: a flexible mind is more certain to improve your sex life than the ability to put your legs behind your head.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Would it be accurate for me to describe you as spiritually hungry? This would explain the powerful cravings I witness you suffering; the deep-seated yearnings before which you tumble like a discarded, empty plastic bag. Practicality can hardly howl over the windy exhortations of your soul desires. In fact, it may be holding you back. If you're not feeling satisfied crossing items off your lists or fulfilling responsibilities, stop doing it?at least until you've had a taste of the flavor that promises to fill you up, whatever it is.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Oh, you fragile baby. Ouch, your delicate sensitivities. You consider yourself a person of refined sensibilities and dignified tastes. That's too bad. The "sad" truth is that most of the world is a brash, naughty place, and the tiny sliver of washed-out folk who can maintain the politically correct and culturally suave stance you prefer are a poor representation of the richness that's out there. There are far fouler things to offend you than common, evocative words (that everyone's heard and uses) like fuck and shit. Try drawing your line of what's "proper" and acceptable a little deeper in the loamy muck of everyday life?what comes up from the seeds planted there will be more fruitful and beautiful than anything you've ever managed to grow before.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

I had a dream last night in which I exorcised evil spirits from the bodies of my friends by feeding them fresh-baked cookies (made from store-bought dough) that I'd consecrated. I was the white-trash shaman, blessing the whole trailer park with specially sanctified tap water and baskets of Wonder Bread and frozen fish sticks. The demons weren't happy, though. Vanquished into their televisions, they swatted against the glass with entertaining and ineffective abandon. The lesson I'd like to share: Don't sweat the tools you use, or the methods. If they get the job done?more power to ya.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

As few as 50,000 to possibly more than 10 million followers of Falun Gong?a quirky spiritual movement that's reputed to improve health through a mixture of meditation, exercise and Eastern-style philosophy?face persecution in China. The irony is that the mostly disorganized and nonpolitical group would probably have never represented a threat to the Chinese Communist Party if the zealous authorities had never initiated a crackdown campaign. Now, with something to rally around, the Falun Gong followers have become more political and sour on the party than ever before. The lesson: The more energy you expend opposing a perceived threat, the stronger (and more threatening) it will become. The solution: ignore it, or at least leave it the hell alone.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

During some of the wars of the last century, spies would often deliver information concealed inside common objects, including rings, pens, hollow coins, walnut shells or keys. Someone's been trying to slip you a secret message, although it's not exactly hidden inside anything as prosaic as a paperweight or a child's doll. You've heard the expression "Read between the lines." I encourage you to listen between them?the more you can hear what's not being said this week, the more you stand to profit, in every way imaginable.

[Caeriel@yahoo.com](mailto:Caeriel@yahoo.com%0D%0D)