This Week's Horoscope

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Since you enjoy seeing your bedroom occasionally populated by vampires, werewolves and witches as much as anybody else with a vivid sexual imagination, don't get too stuck on the fact that Halloween was last week. Let them sprawl on your sheets and entice you. You could use some Gothic fantasy, animal fun and charmed aphrodisiac potions in your life. Screw the timing. It's in your best interest to not rule anyone out this week, especially because of something as arbitrary as a commercial holiday. Give them a chance to make good on implied promises; they'll probably deliver and then some.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Somewhere along the way you got access to the control room, the one the rest of us are convinced exists. You found a secret way into the casino backroom with walls of surveillance monitors, where some Las Vegas demigod decides whose slot machines hit the jackpot and whose don't. You snuck in and rigged the whole setup. It's the only explanation for your continued good fortune, which defies reasonable odds. Although people are happy for you, they can't help feeling a bit of resentment. In order to quash riotous discontent before a full-scale revolution erupts, share the wealth this week. Pour your clinking windfall into the cups of your neighbors, and they'll let you keep the secret of your continued providence.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

It's not like you're planning a trip over Niagara Falls in a barrel, or leaping the Grand Canyon on a motorcycle. The risks you're planning may fly in the face of something at least slightly awesome and powerful, but they're not truly dangerous; they're more like confronting the phony wizard of Emerald City, Oz. All you have to do is hold your ground and be alert. Don't let the nervous, naysaying Munchkins dismay you. They're easily impressed and deluded. Trust your vision to pierce the facades of blustering illusion to see the small, ridiculous people behind them, and trust your ability to kick their asses.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Luckily your heart has the regenerative capabilities of a starfish. Not literally, of course, but emotionally you are able to restore it to wholeness, if you give yourself enough time and loving care. Any piece of a starfish with part of the central body intact can grow into a whole animal. Your heart is similar. It sucks that it's been thrashed to pieces at times. But losing your ability to love would be a gruesome victory for the thrashers. Don't let that happen. Pluck out the biggest chunk, put it somewhere with lots of sunlight and adoration and show off how little the hurt can hold you back.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Between the mess in your head and the knots in the brain of your chief love interest, you may feel like there's no dancing room. Your ankles keep getting tangled in the thorny briars of your pasts, tripping you up when you'd like to move forward. This is not a hopeless situation, though. Due to one of the karmic tax cuts the universe is offering now, you're in luck; only one of you is getting trapped at any given time. The key to getting through this mess is taking turns leading the waltz?which means letting go of any ideas about who's in charge.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

It's a good week for you to compete on a game show, confront the authorities concerning what you think they're wrong about or dominate Open Mic Night at your neighborhood bar. It's not that you're any more likely than usual to win the prize, get your way or receive a standing ovation. But the peripheral fallout from taking a stand in any of these three venues?whether you get what you want or not?may turn out to be a better prize than your original aim.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

In forging new relationships, sex is a huge motivator. Some people withhold it, use it as bait to motivate their latest crushes to invest in a fledgling connection. Others indulge right away, banking on the hope that their new fuckbuds will come back for more, and get to know them between lays. You know this ain't unheard of. So why the fury? It may not be appropriate in certain contexts, including the one it seems to have popped up in, but unbridled rage or cold denial are certainly not the best solutions available to you. This week, find a way through the sexual maze without getting tied up, whipped or having to beat anyone into submission.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Sometimes it takes a while to find your sweet spot, whether it's a quiet corner to sit and Zen out in, a stocked kitchen to concoct your wildest food fantasies in or (as in my case) a place to write (ideally that serves coffee, allows dogs and is frequented by cute guys). Clearly, you've put in that time, searching for (or creating) the sanctuary you crave. That's why it's so frustrating to see you consider giving up. Maintain or step up your efforts. Since you've already done 90 percent of the work of getting there, why stop now? The haven you long for is just around the corner.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

It may not be a perfect day, but the sun is shining gloriously. Your friends adore you and are showing it, your love life is looking up and, well, you just feel good. This is like the scene in the movie where everything's going great, where the director shows you how wonderful life is before all the crazy shit goes down. Except you're not in a movie. That's the good news. Although the loveliness can't last forever, obviously it's not about to come crashing down on you tomorrow. Squash your anxieties, please. You've got a clear stretch ahead. Relax and enjoy the sweetness.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

The gremlins will run out of food eventually. They'll cease to delight in fucking with your day, and they'll move on to their next victim. These are things you should remember early next week, when the little problems that plague you make you grind your teeth. So your routines will be bizarrely disrupted. So you can't do anything "the usual way." Try to think of it as an exercise in creative problem-solving. In any case, don't let yourself get aggravated (which will only exacerbate the situation). Turn "grit" into "grin" and think of it as a chance to show off how good you've gotten at transcending the petty shit.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Since when did "Meet me at Mercer Kitchen at 7 p.m. Wear a tie," become "Um?something about Mercy hospital?Vera's dead?" Since this week, apparently, when any message you try to convey is doomed to distortion. Double-check everything to make sure what you wanted to say actually translated. That may be an annoying pain in the ass, but it's not as obnoxious as cleaning up all the messes your communication mishaps could cause otherwise. From dinner plans to funeral arrangements isn't a leap you should make lightly. Don't trust even the smallest thing to an answering machine, stoned roommate or e-mail. Say it right to the person who needs to hear it, or not at all.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Stop shoving your lover into phone booths. He won't come out with X-ray vision and the ability to fly, so why would you expect him to have any of Superman's other abilities? Your unrealistic romantic expectations are unsubtle attempts at self-sabotage. There's a difference between settling for something (a definite no-no) and holding out for a fictional character that simply doesn't exist. Question your dissatisfaction. If your complaints are legit, that's one thing, but if they're along the lines of wishing your sweet one could deflect the bullets of your problems for you, you'd better rethink them. That's not his job; get your own damn superpowers.