This Week's Horoscope

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You could try wearing a crocheted hippy pouch equipped with crystals, sacred herbs and fluorescent rabbits' feet. You could paper your walls with tinfoil, and submit to self-imposed house arrest. You could employ legions of voodoo witches, bone women and snake-oil salesmen. But I wouldn't recommend any of these methods of curse-deflection, however necessary that may seem this week, not when a virtually guaranteed curse-dodging technique is available: see, esoteric phenomena like curses feed on your belief in them (thus all the aforementioned methods only make them more effective). Therefore, your best bet is: don't acknowledge its existence. In fact, even paying this much attention to it is dangerous. Walk away, right now, and never mention the damn thing again.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Kira Od gets it. Her brilliantly crafted Hybrid sculptures combine human and animal traits in a way that's right up your alley (check her out at www.kiraod.com). Your soul possesses a stunning array of powerful primal qualities for you to call on: you could dance like a gazelle, fuck like a wildebeest, run like a cheetah, sing like a lonely wolf. Why you're settling for merely human, I have no idea. This week, call on all the parts of yourself that might be useful, not just the most boringly acceptable ones.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Misery can be hilarious, even when you totally feel bad for the one suffering it; give a house cat a bath to know what I mean. And just like bathing the family pet, it's occasionally your lot to inflict absolutely necessary misery on another being. Even though you can't help occasionally meting out a bit of well-intentioned torment, you can also make it your constant aim to mitigate that anguish. For instance, after his wretched bathtime, my dog gets an extended towel rubdown and a play session so long that by the time we're done he's completely forgotten what started the whole thing in the first place.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

After your daring heist robbing your lover's spiritual safe-deposit boxes of all those supposedly valuable insecurities, I'd like to award you the illustrious title of Criminal of the Year. See, you're not supposed to sneak into people's private vaults and steal from them. We already knew that you had the audacity to do it anyway. That you have the wisdom to not only rob them of their most precious and self-destructive illusions but the panache to do it without setting off any alarms is what's truly impressive. Congratulations! Now if only we could rid you of the pesky delusion that any of the aforementioned feats is possible. Don't think you can painlessly dissect people's long-standing self-deceptions from their lives?sometimes the only way you can get them to see the truth is to hit them in the face with it.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

I imagine your emotion-ruled soul as a vast, often turbulent, ocean. Compared to that, your logic-ruled consciousness is about as impressive as a four-year-old with floaties on his arms. Full moon brings high tides and huge waves. If you've been practicing long enough, you can try surfing them and possibly achieve wildly exhilarating (if a bit out-of-control) heights, or if not, you can safely dive beneath them?which in itself is exhausting but doable. The new moon, however, with the relatively calm emotional waters it generates, is a unique chance for you to paddle out and explore. Why don't you do that now? There's at least one cool surprise out there waiting for you to find it.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You navigated winter's choppy waters like a champ. Now that spring's almost here, you could coast if you like. But I'd be embarrassed for you if you cruised on slacker inertia. In the interstellar yacht race of personal evolution, turning the lap in the middle of the pack would be a shameful position considering the accomplishments that lay within your grasp. That's right: calculate the prevailing winds perfectly and you could end up not only taking the lead, but setting a record while you do it.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

While you've rarely been so eloquent expressing your emotions, you've also rarely been so conflicted. At last, you can give someone an accurate road map to your inner self, but it doesn't help; every signpost points in both directions. Don't freak; this is the perfect opportunity to remind yourself (and any travel companions that might be tagging along) that the journey is way more important than the destination. All these roads lead to the same place, essentially. Now it's up to you: how exactly would you like to get there?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Now that you've decided to release any and all pent-up aggression before it further corrodes your insides, you've got to figure out a way to do it without causing yourself more angst. Somehow I doubt that popping a sheet of bubble wrap is going to cut it. It's time to get a little more hardcore about releasing your anger. At the very least, rent some time in a batting cage where you can hit the hell out of some balls; it might even be time to make an appointment with a brick wall and stack of thrift store plates. Please do finally un-dam those years of unexpressed rage, but don't forget the second, more important part?figuring out someplace for the flood to go.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

How interesting: you're scared, a little. Is it because your new love interest?despite not being a Scorpio?has a sting almost as lethal? Or is it because s/he's apparently immune to yours? How does it feel now that the shoe's on the other foot? Can you blame those tender Pisceans and flighty Geminis for being nervous around you? Still, despite your fears, I urge you to take a chance on your potent new friend. If it helps assuage your anxieties, remember this: just because your flirt-friend is emotionally armed like a Scorpio doesn't mean s/he's inclined to act like one.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Unlike the other fire signs, you're not blinded by your passions. You'll ride the flash flood force of whatever surging emotion thunders your way, but at the same time deftly survey the rapids ahead and paddle like mad to save not only your skin, but your heart, too. Aren't you exhausted from being constantly in control? How delicious would it be to share the burden of staying on top of things with someone equally as capable? Give the one who's volunteering for the duty a chance, would you? Strap on your parachute, if you must, at the first sign of falls ahead, but give your buddy jurisdiction over oars and rudder. Give him a chance to prove himself; sure, you could lose an inflatable rubber boat and a pair of plastic paddles, but you could gain a fellow adventurer you know you can trust. Isn't the risk worth it?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

"May you get what you want." Is it blessing or curse? My Capricorn buddy tells me that getting what you want is as simple as asking for it; consequently, he's carefully avoided asking for complicated things like love and romance, because then he'd have to deal with getting them. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on your perspective, the universe is so primed to deliver your desire that it might fixate on the most random of comments. So you don't end up with a joke of a cosmic present, spend this week figuring out what it is you really want more than anything else. Then ask for it.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

When you try to play that hackneyed role, Knight in Shining Armor, you end up looking ridiculous and underdone, like you're dressed in stovepipe segments and garbage can lids while wielding egg beaters and spatulas instead of swords and lances. Hey, this is a good thing, that you suck at cliches. It gives you more incentive to avoid them. Your challenge is getting people to look beyond the cookie cutter formulas they're taught to want, over to where you're standing, in all your matchless glory. Don't worry so much about excelling at everyone else's game; it's just a matter of teaching a few key people the rules to yours. Then everybody wins.