This Week's Horoscope

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Les motocrottes are disappearing. These are the shitmobiles of Paris that allow snooty dog-owners to ignore their chiens' pooping, trusting that the little green sidewalk Zambonis will do their dirty work for them. Of course, this is an illusion. As anyone who's been to Paris can attest, dodging crap is one of the main activities there; each year, 600 of the less successful find themselves in the hospital after slipping on shit, according to The New York Times. Now Paris' new government will force dog-owners to clean up after their pets or face an expensive ticket. You ought to go help them out. Unlike those patronizing Parisians, you've been picking up your own messes all along. This week, keep up the good work, but don't stop there?teach someone else how to do it, too.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

A chick I was eavesdropping on was hired to do a performance for a big conference on narcolepsy ("a condition characterized by brief attacks of deep sleep" ?Merriam-Webster). From what I could gather, she had people bring pillows and blankets to take naps onstage. Her convicted lack of imagination was laughable from my perspective, but it apparently worked for the conference-goers. It just goes to show that sometimes the obvious choice is your best one. This week, when delegating responsibility, simply have people do what they do best, instead of forcing them to stretch and challenge themselves. Don't take risks now, when you simply can't afford them. There'll be time enough for that kind of thing later.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Love often requires sacrifice, compromise. It's not unheard of for your lover to ask you to give up something altogether. For someone as freedom-hungry as you, these demands are frequently deal-breakers, especially because they come usually from a completely irrational, hyperemotional realm you're not that familiar with. This week, you may discover emotional roadblocks on every route you'd normally choose to travel, but don't panic. Although you may have to delay your arrival at the destination you picked, you don't have to cancel your plans to get there. These barricades are temporary, just a checkpoint to ensure (for everyone's safety) that your car is bomb-free and its passengers are properly belted in.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Wear a bathing suit under your clothes this week. It will help remind you of the attitude most likely to help you get the most out of life right now. Expect frigid?go out dressed for winter, protected from bitter cold, nasty wind chill and freezing rain. But be prepared for an unprecedented heat wave, one that may make you want to "call in disinterested" to work and sunbathe on the roof all day. I'm not guaranteeing magically warm weather?just telling you it might be possible. Better listen; wouldn't it suck if I was right and you were trapped in your warmest wool suit the entire day?

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Hey, Jack. It's good that you passed up on that ridiculous offer of those magic beans. In this economy, it's better to forgo wild risks like that. There was no need, anyway: The giant has sent a tendril of that special beanstalk down to collect you. A curious juxtaposition of action and imagination is possible right now, bringing one of your most far-fetched or ambitious dreams into reach. Just leap up and grab it. Climb your way to the top?the golden goose will be there, waiting for you.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Everyone has lust buttons, certain details that trigger unreasoning attraction, even in the absence of other, more logical factors. Well-placed tattoos or sexy sideburns are my weakness, for instance. So, your crush-bunny hasn't given you a fair opening yet. That's only because you haven't assayed him properly. You're flaunting your deepest qualities before their time. Unveil those later, once you've gotten a slightly less superficial degree of interest from your potential new buddy. For now, concentrate on getting him or her to simply notice you; you're only one or two lust buttons away from that reality. Find out what they are, and by all means push them.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Everyone has, at some point, used certain advantages (like someone's attraction to them) to further his own agenda, including me. It's sometimes a dog-eat-dog world out there, and you're allowed to play dirty (especially if it doesn't actually hurt anyone). It can work; the chick who brought me free chocolate when she interviewed for the room in my apartment was instantly catapulted to the top of the list. Come on?free chocolate! In the end, though, her minor cheat wasn't quite enough to push her over the top. Learn from her: go ahead and work whatever tricks you have up your sleeve; they can only help. However, don't bank on them; in the end, the cards you have in your hand are what will win you the game.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Last week I noticed the first hints of your spiritual exhibitionism. Hermit crabs (one of your astrological totem animals) periodically replace their borrowed shells with bigger ones, to accommodate new growth. Transition is always a little scary, because they're briefly exposed as they migrate from cramped portable home to spacious one. Don't be ashamed of your nakedness as you search for an abandoned conch to set up house in. Although you're frightened that a predatory crustacean connoisseur will use this opportunity to snatch you up as midday snack, you're far more likely to be noticed and appreciated by an admirer, not a devourer.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Your inner eye is bloodshot and blurry. Although you've been lauded for your astoundingly clear and farsighted internal vision in the past, you haven't been impressing people with your feeble feats of imagination lately. Luckily, this week's astrological events are the Visine you need to clear up that stoner redness and get your inspiration synched with reality again. Don't let the past month's despicable letdowns and setbacks keep you down. As of this week you can (and should) trust your gut, your intuition and your oracular enthusiasm again.

That you feel like the boy (or girl) in the bubble this week is a good thing. Your especially vulnerable insides are grateful for any layer of protection, even if it's only clear plastic. Of course, this added insulation also means a degree of separation from even those you love being close to. Don't be frustrated by your temporary estrangement from the intimacy you usually enjoy with them and the world around you. You're in a better place, at least for now.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Love, typically, is rife with difficulties and complications. But it can be easy, at least for brief periods. This week ain't one of those golden times. In fact, you might as well be a nutrient-filled petri dish designed to cultivate problem bacteria. However, that gives you opportunity to conduct a crucial experiment: The crises that crop up, and how you and your current boy-/girlfriend deal with them, should clue you in to whether or not easy chapters will ever even be possible with this flame, let alone common, down the line?which may help you decide if you want to bother at all.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Your Baja California fantasies have erupted, catalyzed by cold weather. Suddenly you're infected with vacation virus; the thought of enduring an entire winter where you are seems intolerable. As tempting as it is to throw it all away for months in a hammock with a bottle of cheap tequila, don't flee entirely. That's just not part of your larger life plan, which involves income that can't easily be earned while getting tan building sand castles. Don't let me burst your south-of-the-border-bubble, though. I'm only here to prevent the extremes you're occasionally prone to. Go ahead and take your two weeks to swallow the worm and learn some useful Spanish curse words. From this vantage point that may not seem like enough, but by the end of your mini-adventure you'll be really glad you didn't triumphantly quit your job before you left.

[Caeriel@yahoo.com](mailto:caeriel@yahoo.com)