Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Upon check-in at our cheap hotel on the Ganges, the proprietors armed us with a sturdy bamboo pole. We soon learned why. Frequently, our river-facing balcony hosted an agile gray monkey. Unafraid of raised voices or threatening faces, he'd appear suddenly at the door, dash inside and grab what he could with astounding speed. Only the pole kept him away. The dangers you face this week should inspire only alertness and caution, not fear. You're already armed with your own bamboo pole. Once you've realized that, your perception of peril should shrink to mere nuisance. For example, after we'd (quickly) ceased being scared of our monkey-thief, we saw how cute he was. Maybe the threats you face have a dimension of beauty or pleasure you haven't noticed. Look for it now.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) It seems inevitable that in the coming century human beings will evolve beyond all recognition. As genetic research continues, it won't be more than a generation or three until we're using gene-modifying techniques to improve ourselves with gills, extra arms, preternaturally long lives or superior good looks. Wearable computers are practically in our grasp, bringing technology and the human race into ever-greater degrees of symbiosis. Could the 21st century witness humans who are more like Star Trek's Borg than like the crew of the Enterprise? What's the point of all this? Your unreasonable clinging to familiarity and resistance to change doesn't fit your situation. It's like trying to hold back something as inevitable and powerful as the tide. Can't you seek to bend and flow with it, or, better yet, surf it?
Aries (March 21-April 19) Ouch! That toe impacting your ass smarts, doesn't it? Despite being the zodiac's best self-starter, sometimes you need a good swift kick in the butt to really get going. As we begin a new year, century, millennium, I ask you: What would you like?no, love?to be doing in 10 years? For some, it's the same thing you've wanted to do since you were a kid. For others, it's the plan you conceived of this weekend. Whichever it is, it's just not going to happen until you get your ass in gear. See this boot? It's steel-toed. Get going!
Taurus (April 20-May 20) Okay, Ms. Ice Queen. Perhaps you could climb down off your magnificent, sparkling ice throne and quit getting stuffed with your monstrous ice dildo long enough to hear a word of warmth from your friendly neighborhood astrologer. Oh, all this eminent coolness sure is beautiful, dramatic and impressive. But haven't you ever noticed how lonely people obsessed with their own coolness can be? Don't quit being the awesome, ultracool rock star I know is in you, but do remember what's really important?the dorks who believe in and love you.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) Between the holidays and New Year's, your week's all planned: partying, loafing and nothing tedious or boring. Imagine your whole life like this. It could be, sort of. Some people find ways to make a living off the activities they enjoy, but often they discover that when it becomes a full-time thing, their former joy is just another grind?and they've forgotten how to have fun. This is especially true for you Geminis, for whom variety is the zest that makes life pleasurable. So enjoy this week, but smile when you go back to work. Oh, we're all entitled to a few good-natured groans and grumbles, but recognize you're there because you want to be, deep down. If you don't?if you really hate it?then choose something else. It's your life, after all.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Sometimes you're the master of delayed reactions. I've often caught Cancers laughing at jokes they heard minutes, hours, even weeks ago, or flushing with anger at insults delivered the day before. This week is a good example of this effect. Most people regard New Year's as a brilliant time to start fresh. But you'll get a better chance next week, after the hubbub has died down. So start your preparations this week, for your own new beginning?but don't fret too much about something as silly as an exact date.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) You're used to extravagant sendups, outrageous breakthroughs and dramatic moments of revelation. But by now you should be learning the solid satisfaction of steady?if slow?progress, taking things one small step at a time. Sure, Leos can get rich or famous in one grand stroke, and often do. But the ones who get to stay wealthy or well-known, the ones for whom these things have meaning, are those who've spent long chapters of their lives preparing for those moments by constructing a solid foundation of self-knowledge, built with bricks of well-tempered ego and generous radiance. Just like you're doing now.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) This is what I don't want to hear: that you were so busy working you forgot to celebrate New Year's. Okay, so you feel especially driven?for whatever reason?to work diligently and continually right now. Inspired by your own efficiency, refueled and recharged by your sense of accomplishment, you have reason to be proud of yourself. But lest you lose sight of what's real, I'm reminding you: go celebrate life. You may not care much about this admittedly anticlimactic (and arbitrary) rollover into a new century. You may not feel much like partying. I understand. But still?go out with your friends. They?and you?deserve it.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) You could construct a giant catapult that'd launch you from your rooftop clear across Manhattan, or load yourself into a large cannon like a circus performer. There's a chance that a well-timed New Year's Concorde flight could do the trick. I'm just brainstorming ways for you to physically keep up with your hastening imagination as we slide into 2000. I'm glad your brain is speeding; as technology, culture and our conscious evolution accelerate into the 21st century, there ought to be someone who can at least keep up.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Emotional baggage is a lot like real baggage. Every time I move or travel, I regard it as an opportunity to dump another load. Otherwise the stuff could build up in my house until I'm buried in it. So it's almost like I leave it behind at the airport baggage carousel. There are other ways to get rid of your shit. You can recycle it, try to find new uses for those old feelings. Too much of that, though, and you feel bitter; sentiments left to sit too long tend to become vinegar. You can bury it and be done, or dump it off at your therapist's office. However you decide to do it, dispose of as much as you can this week. Ideally, you should enter the New Year with no more than a couple of carry-ons.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) People are always looking for (and often creating) meaning where there's none. Overzealous Bible Belt moms play their children's heavy metal backwards to uncover subversive Satanic messages. New-age prophets foresee doom as we click over into 2000. I know you pride yourself on trying to see things how they really are, not reading into things what's not there. Sometimes, though, in your attempt to see only the most concrete and certain of every situation, you overlook some things that are slightly less apparent, but no less true. This week, try to peer under the surface of the situations you're in. Trust in your instincts and their natural resistance to your internal propaganda?you won't go wrong.