This Week's Horoscope

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

My apartment houses at least three mice. The dog cares not, tells me to borrow a cat. I would if it ate cockroaches, too. The roaches love me because I'm too disgusted to kill them. They wave gleefully. I cringe and stomp my bare feet like a frustrated child and watch them meander toward their homes in the walls, stopping often to gloat. "Get used to them," was the surprising advice from my best Virgo friend. "That's New York." The mice have the advantage of being small, furry and warm-blooded?I can almost think of them as cute-ish pets who take care of themselves. I haven't figured out how I'm going to learn to like the roaches. Maybe you can teach me?since the pests in your life aren't going anywhere, you'll be giving them adorable names and adopting them, too.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Whenever any kind of self-loathing ennui overwhelms me, I shift to my Behind the Music viewpoint. Examining my life in documentary format from 30 years from now, my dark flaws seem like a necessary part of my character, required for my many magnificent successes. For a Libra, being hated is a pointy pill to swallow. Luckily, you've already let go of the fool's dream of being universally adored. But facing someone's abhorrence?as you may have to do this week?is still difficult. Give yourself a little perspective and face his meaningless dislike as the star you are (becoming).

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Holy shit, I had the perfect metaphor for your astrological predicament. Last night, its brilliance hit me like a hurricane-borne house. My toes curled under the weight. Usually, when such ideas tumble into my pointed cap, I write them down immediately on my arm (since I'm foresightful enough to carry a pen at all times, but too absentminded to keep track of a pad). This time, though, I was penless, so arm stayed bare, and brain futilely vowed to remember. Don't make the mistake I did and have to settle for second-rate symbology. Stunning ideas will be falling like houses all over your imagination's Oz. Be poised to take advantage, or some bitch is going to steal those ruby slippers before you have a chance to use them.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Caught in the rain in my impractical foul-weather vehicle, I could barely see. The inside of my windshield fogs constantly. At first, it's fun, like I'm inside a cool anime dream sequence, but pretty soon it starts looking like badly filmed, Vaseline-lensed soft-porn. My bare back peels off the vinyl as I lean forward to frantically wipe the condensation with my soaked t-shirt and get back to Japanese cartoon level at least. Your own vision is similarly blurred. Figure out what it's going to take to defog your view before you drive off a bridge.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

I spent the other day remembering my first love. Some of our experiences are unsurpassed, perhaps unsurpassable. What intensity, all because of who we were then! Me: a 19-year-old hopeful romantic, innocent and ignorant, but self-aware and fully in my own skin. My love: older, wise in the ways of the world and the body, charmed by the purity of my youth but scared of tarnishing it. The dark/light twist of his desire was a powerful draw for my inexperience. Archetypal attraction (romantic or otherwise) can be scary. However, don't let terror of its extremity frighten you off?the experiences you stand to gain by letting it happen are ones you will treasure and learn from for years to come.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

What color is your parachute? Who gives a fuck? The bottom already dropped out, and I'm not talking sagging butt cheeks here. I'm not interested in the hue of the sturdy parasol you hoped might slow your descent. You're not likely to lose more ground than you have. Rather, I'm fascinated by the shade, shape and height of the ladder you're pulling out of your mental storage shed right now. How tall is it, fully extended? How far apart are the rungs? And when are you finally going to stop feeling sorry for yourself, whip it out and start climbing?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

My apartment is a circle. My hound and I run laps around it, socked feet (and scrabbling dog paws) sliding on the hardwood on every curve. This happy supplement to our daily walking regime can be conducted only when our roommates are out, naturally. But it feels good to play so mindlessly. I hope I'm still up for doing stuff like this when I'm 80. You've been caught in a loop of seriousness lately. Things needn't be so heavy. Play. Have a water balloon fight, roll in the mud or make prank phone calls?whatever it takes to laugh like a kid again.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

How much longer will you have to stand around, wearing boredom like a scratchy wool suit, arms hanging heavy from your shoulders like wrecking balls? It's not like you, all this waiting for things to occur. What happened to being a Mover and a Shaker? So you experienced a minor setback. You're not going to shake it off standing around. You excel at action. Get that booty wagging and jump-start your act. The stumbling block will take care of itself, while you dance right over it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

It's true that there are cool people and events you can connect with anywhere, if you're willing to put enough effort into discovering them. There are places where that's easier to do, however. Los Angeles had an interesting crowd and a hip scene, but you really had to dig beneath the surface to find them. In New York it's easier to simply stumble over them. Granted, your goals are a little more complicated (and admirable) than simply finding The Scene. But you'd still do well to insert yourself in a locale where your chances of bumping into the kind of person you need to meet are higher.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Gemini Stevie Nicks is a prolific songwriter. She had to resist pressure from her band, Fleetwood Mac, back when she insisted on a solo career that they feared might somehow disrupt the group's success. But a couple of songs per album (which was her allotment within FM) weren't enough to accommodate her need and ability to express herself. The internal pressure to share her fertile imagination was too great. She took the risk of ruining a good thing in order to give birth to an even better thing. Follow her example, in your own way. Do what it takes to put yourself out there, even if it means putting some of the good things you already have on the line.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Come on, darlin'. Up and at 'em! It's time again to stick that ol' heart in a sling and get out of bed. The only reason your poor love organ sustains so many injuries is because you're an emotional athlete. You repeatedly risk it going over jumps, flying out of planes and bungee-jumping from cliff sides, skyscrapers and bridges. It doesn't stay broken, though. Like anyone in peak condition, you bounce back. You hobble out on crutches and inline skates to take on the world again eventually. Only sometimes, you need a kick in the ass to quit your moping and tea-drinking and actually escape your emotional rut. Your latest wounds are nearly healed. It's time to put some weight on your emotionally sprained ankles and see how they hold up.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You've been fooling surveillance cameras for a long time now. Your knack for self-transformation, especially of the physical variety, is unparalleled. Other signs would need a stomach staple to transform their shapes so dramatically, and your hair changes more often than the weather. Technology has caught up with you?facial recognition software can positively identify your face through wigs, makeup, sunglasses and attitude. Okay, I'm using technological progress as an imperfect metaphor. My point: you won't be able to evade attention so easily the next few weeks. Since you're stuck with an audience, avoid the bank robberies, red-light-runnings and nose-picking marathons in favor of more flattering performances?at least until the astrological spotlight shifts a little.