This Week's Horoscope

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Things you don't need: a box to fit inside, a square peg for your round hole and a category to fall neatly into. Why do you insist on associating with people who offer only these options? There are others who recognize that cramming you in a toy box would only cramp your style. They possess a variety of multiuse pegs for every shape of hole. And since they're completely uncategorizable, they'll be thrilled to know someone else who transcends definition. Why settle for two dimensions, where only one facet of you is allowed to shine at a time? You're likely to have the opportunity to explore exotic frontiers with a fairly new friend this week. If you give him or her a chance, you'll be psyched to discover that s/he'd never settle for a mere two dimensions?in fact, the more the better!

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

This week you may meet someone who's as refreshing as a cool water bidet after a Tabasco enema. S/he'll have exactly the right balm to soothe your most recent hurts. Just like any European bathroom accessory, s/he may be a little hard to figure out initially, but may ultimately prove to be eminently practical and practically indispensable. Take the time to move beyond the harsh scratchiness of your toilet paper friends, and enter the world of your new, slightly foreign visitor. Your tenderest places will thank you for it.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Hashing out your problems doesn't always work, especially when you're talking out of your ass. Tooting a solution will only make people turn up their noses in disgust. Some conflicts simply can't be settled with words alone. I'm not talking a fistfight?I'd prefer you play to your strengths. I suggest a competitive, old Roman-style orgy of feasting and sex. May the hardiest partyer triumph! Choose a feather: Last one to the vomitorium is a rotten egg!

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

I was bummed when the police busted the Bantu Mystic Family Circus party two weeks ago. The theme, "Come as you really are," is my life's motto. I was exhilarated to witness so many people engaged in a full-on orgy of self-expression?participants outnumbered spectators 10-to-1. What a scene: so many masks, horns, wings, wigs and outrageous outfits, surrounded by a surly police cordon, helicopters swirling overhead. In retrospect, in relation to most events in Los Angeles, I think: What an incredible night! I was only disappointed when I compared what happened with "what might have been." With the Libra full moon pumping out hype this week, your own expectations might be slightly inflated. Ignore them. Consider what is, not what you think should be, and your happiness quotient will increase proportionately.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

When it comes to dating or fucking another Leo, I have no hesitation. I have my doubts about the long-term viability of Leo-Leo intimacy, but there's no question about the positive outcome of such a union, regardless of the details. I have faith in your good-hearted candor, which makes you easy to get along with. Unfortunately, it sometimes takes a backseat to your (much louder) arrogance and egocentrism. To someone who doesn't know you well, those traits spell trouble. They are, of course, but you might want to downplay them in favor of your warmth and generosity this week, at least until you get some action.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

I don't want anyone who doesn't think I'm as cool-as-shit or sexy-as-fuck as I think he is. Why would you desire anyone who doesn't absolutely adore you? Is it because you're afraid no one will? Screw that. Believe me, you don't want to be universally likable (or despicable). It's too simple for someone as complex as you. You say you don't believe in love anymore? Fine. That only means you're ready to be surprised by it again. So don't settle for someone who doesn't absolutely consider you The Bomb. Blow them or blow them up?whatever, as long as you leave yourself open for the person who really knows what's up.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Lately you've been better at rooting out blockages than a plumber's drain-snake. Getting rid of the inconvenient and messy clogs in your friends' lives has been a mission of yours. Have you checked your own pipes? There's serious arterial buildup in your bullshit valve, which is causing backup in your garbage disposal area. This has you talking a lot of trash, which hardly helps your popularity?even if it's all true. Some creative interpretations of the truth are essential to the renown you crave. Toss some social Drano down the pipes this week. Some notorious lubricants to consider: liquor, sex and primetime soap operas. What's your poison?

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You dirty dog. You've spent the last month lying around your house doing the mental equivalent of licking your own crotch, just because you can. There are things to be done, though: territory to mark, butts to sniff, balls to fetch and interesting strangers to bark at. Sexy beast, stop denying the world your animal charms. Comb the mats out of your fur, sharpen your canines and start wagging your tail. Why are you still sitting here, reading your goddamn horoscope? Go hump some legs, already.

Surrounded by big-time gay porn stars at director ChiChi LaRue's party, I wasn't impressed. Achieving significant notoriety in "the business" requires being ultra-manicured, shaved, plucked, de-scented and identically gym-toned. Any trace of individuality, animal sexuality or expressive passion is carefully airbrushed or hidden. Booooring. So you lack the universal appeal those guys may have (to the unimaginative masses). Your particular charm is far superior. Can you imagine how insecure they must feel? They're so interchangeable. It's not a huge leap to suppose that someone attracted to one of them could be drawn to one of their numerous clones. You, on the other hand, are a pretty specific flavor. It may be harder to find someone who likes pistachio-chocolate-jalapeno, but once you do, could you ever imagine him settling for vanilla?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Prescription for reviving a slight "slowdown" in your sexual economy: 1) Take exciting risks, like racing around on a powerful motorcycle, clinging to a sexy stranger you barely know. Almost a guaranteed turn-on. 2) Lower the bar slightly. Your interest rates are too high. Don't sleep with anyone below your standards, but do consider everyone who approaches you. They may know something about you that you don't, yet. 3) Jack (or Jill) off. Get the juices flowing. Put it this way: If nothing's coming out of your libidinal bank account, ain't nothin' gonna come in.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Look. I know you hate metaphysical mumbo-jumbo and mystical bullshit. For that reason, I attempt to simply tell it like it is. When you need a sincere pat on the back, I do my best to compliment you in a way you can hear. By the same token, I have no qualms about kicking your ass when necessary. But my favorite task (combining the two aforementioned duties) is my responsibility this week: delivering a playful spank. It's not often you're allowed to be turned on while receiving punishment. When you examine the rosy glow of your asscheeks later, I want you to think about what you've done. If you haven't a clue, here's one: your crime relates not to being naughty, but to not being naughty enough.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

A lot of important quality-of-life decisions are made without consideration. While it may be slightly more convenient to shop at a Wal-Mart or a Barnes & Noble, supporting smaller, local businesses (especially independent book and record stores) can have a lasting impact on your future. Whether or not you patronize these shops, they're what lends your town its particular character, and keeps it from becoming Everytown, USA, just another cookie-cutter venue for ubiquitous chain stores. And recognizing what makes your place unique can help you identify and appreciate what defines your individuality, something you've lost touch with, a little. Your assignment: retail therapy in neighborhood businesses until you remember what makes you so great, or the economy picks up, whichever comes first.

[Caeriel@yahoo.com](mailto:caeriel@yahoo.com)