This ass, Peter, wrote you about falling in love with ...
Some have fathers who take them out back to the woodshed for a whippin' after bad deeds done. My pop gave me a whippin' of book learnin' after I disparaged all poetry. (I had shortly before announced that I was a writer.) His belt that day happened to be Yeats. Someday I'd like to use Bukowski.
Poetry is an art of using less words to say more. Compression. You should try it.
-Ted P.
Haiku for Ted P.:
Not all poets suck
But twits who cite Bukowski
Chap my sweet white ass
Why do some girls think anal is so wrong? I do know two guys (separate incidents) who pulled out and the gals shat all over everything, but if the girl prepares for it, what's the big deal?
-Assmaster
Haiku for Assmaster:
Pooping on partners
Covering sheets in feces
Makes pretty girl cry
My personal fave story of backdoor love involves a gent who yanked his joint out of his vegetarian girlfriend's rectum only to find a nice soppy piece of romaine wrapped around it. See, it's stories like that one and your tales of spontaneous shit storms that can make a woman wary of giving up the brown cherry. Despite the fact that we shed bloody chunks of uterine lining on a monthly basis, a lot of us ladies are a bit squeamish when it comes to fecal matter. Plus, there's the fact that we have a perfectly good, naturally lubricated hole built to accommodate your nasty ole willy just centimeters north. But mostly it's about the poo. Of course the potential for pain is another factor, but mostly, it's the poo.
Obviously, there are loads of women who love it. And probably a lot of that lust for ass-banging is borne of the fact that it's so "wrong." But even if you take away the taint, the asshole has tons of nerve endings, and if you do it right (take it slow, use lots of lube, and do it with someone who isn't particularly well-hung or hell-bent on giving you a porno-pounding), it is supposedly quite pleasurable. (Though, like anchovies, American Idol and long walks on the beach, not for everyone.)
Skeeve factor was the number-one explanation most women I spoke to gave for not wanting to go there. "I don't want things leaking out of my anus," said my buddy Anne. "A little squirge from the vag is fine and often, enjoyable, but brown stinky fluids leaking from my butt? No thanks."
The posterior poke isn't necessarily messy. If you time it right (or perhaps take a refreshing enema a few hours beforehand), you aren't going to be spewing dookie. But you didn't want a how-to. You wanted to hear why some women don't like it. Me, I'm not a fan because I was forced into it, held down, screaming, kicking, clawing as I tried to get away. (Oh wait, they call that rape.) I have yet to really get past that. Even though that's an extreme case, a bad first buttbang can really color a girl's feelings on the matter.
"I tried it with my first boyfriend," Angela, a 40-year-old artist's assistant told me. "He was barely in when I started yelling. I have heard that once you get over the initial pain and start to relax it can be quite pleasurable. I'm not willing to find out at this point." In both our cases, one bad penis spoiled it for the whole bunch.
Oddly, the whole maybe-he's-secretly-gay line was another frequently mentioned reason some ladies avoid poop-chute-friendly paramours. Angela went on to add, "Not only did I have my first anal encounter with a gay man, I also lost my virginity to a guy who came out of the closet soon after. Does this make me a fag hag or just rotten in bed?" Actually, it's probably just one of those things.
The politics of anal sex were still another oft-cited rationale to demur. "I think there's a power dynamic involved," Jolene, a tall redhead with a stop sign hanging over her keister, philosophized. "Guys seem to feel they've gotten one over on you if you let them fuck you up the ass." Scarlet, a 27-year-old publicist, put an even grimmer spin on things: "Perhaps we associate the pain of anal sex with men's fundamental gynophobic desire to injure women because of castration-phobia-derived misogyny."
I was a little surprised about how vehement and vitriolic the anal-haters were. When it comes to bang-the-can, it seems there is no middle ground. The ladies either love it or loathe it. Scarlet went on to add, "Maybe it's because of the weird fixation men have with it. Like so many other things men fixate on-baseball, the women of Baywatch, Jagermeister, video games, lying, shirking responsibilty, inability to show emotion-it actually turns out to be lame, boring, stupid, mean, and/or unpleasant."
I think the reality is more benign. It's just somewhere new and different, and usually tighter, for a guy to stick his cock. I don't think most men want to ass-nasty a girl out of malice. And boys, if you're having trouble convincing your lady luv-uh to do the deed, Scarlet had the answer. "Let the girl ream his little pink puckered bunghole with a strap-on first so that he can honestly, and with some knowledge of the subject, let her know how fun it is."
Are you the questioning type? Write [dategirl@nypress.com](mailto:dategirl@nypress) or Dategirl, c/o New York Press, 333 7th Ave., 14th fl., NY, NY 10001.