The Top Blank Of 90-Blank!
Helpless Sanchez, whose only source of sustenance is the Burger King on Delancey, writes this to you 11 hours before Y2K and two hours after his deadline, so he is simply assuming that the world will not end, and it's worth his time to type out his copy rather than going outside and seeking the miracle of lovemaking before the end of civilization, or at least buying a couple of extra-large cans of Spaghetti-O's to tide him over during the Apocalypse. Still, valiant Sanchez confronts the knotty questions of the date-change head-on. For instance: What on Earth are they going to call the next decade? Sanchez pities the generation of teens poised to take the lower rungs of the next 20 years' service industry, who may end up making gigantically general consumer choices that might remain forever unpigeonholable to a given time period! "'Sanchez has very little faith in his profession,' drolly clucks the Sister of Sanchez," the Sister of Sanchez drolly clucked. "How else does a culture move forward if not by virtue of the fact that 15-year-olds will always sneer at the 25-year-olds who sneered at the 35-year-olds before them? How much fun will it be to laugh at Blink 182 when they get all old and leathery-looking?" Irritated Sanchez, wishing his Sister would bug off, turned to her and said: Does superprofessional Sanchez?who witnessed firsthand the hilarious debacle of the initial generation of punk rock attaining middle age during this decade?appear to you someone who would randomly pick on whoever happened to be last year's news simply for being last year's news? And the Sister of Sanchez responded rhetorically, "The Sister of Sanchez rhetorically responds?Is Philip Guichard high?"
Exasperated Sanchez has no choice but to recount this bickering, as the world of show business has left him hanging in a week where no Pikachus were stolen, no roommates died, no drugs were consumed and his Sister never got excited enough to beat the shit out of him?why, the week was so unnewsworthy that both MTV Online and the Associated Press website bill an item about a man in Dilworth, MN, chancing upon a pair of Elvis' pants in a secondhand store. "Man Finds Pants Worn By Elvis" trumpets the AP site on the entertainment headline page, ludicrously couching it among more solemn and intellectually nourishing items like "Entertainment Highlights in History" and "Jackie Mason Is Back On Broadway." While it's true that George Harrison's being stabbed by an intruder to his home was rather exciting, kindly Sanchez won't make fun of the man for haplessly getting John Lennon's sloppy seconds yet again. And whereas Puffy was again allegedly involved in a violent incident, sympathetic Sanchez can hardly blame the man for looking at his Sound Scan and resolving to prove any accusations that he couldn't even get arrested to be completely false. Eager Sanchez is happy to tell you that Glenn Danzig will shortly be releasing Danzig rarities on the embarrassingly named online label E-Magine, but only because now he can retell the old rumor that the Danzig contract rider contained a clause demanding that no one in the concert venue look Danzig in the eye. Hyuk-hyuking Sanchez loves that one! At least it spares poor bereft Sanchez the indignity of having to report the news item about Noel Gallagher's announcement that he's opposed to fox hunting.
"The unimpressed Sister of Sanchez marvels at her brother's lack of creativity," marveled the unimpressed Sister of Sanchez. "Why can't lazy Sanchez take a moment and read between the lines for the benefit of his readers?where, for example, is righteous Sanchez's diatribe against those who would infer sexual connotations in the lyrics to 'Genie in a Bottle'?"
Sighing Sanchez replied that the lyric, "If you want to be with me, baby, there's a price to pay; I'm a Genie in a bottle, you got to rub me the right way," couldn't seem anything but a suggestive remark, and his Sister's lip began to tremble. Her eyes welled up with tears. "'B-b-b-but why would Christina Aguilera lie to us?' the emotional Sister of Sanchez croaks," croaked the emotional Sister of Sanchez, who then stared tearfully off into the distance and softly sang the definitive year-end statement: "Tell me why-ee?"
NEXT WEEK: The second Sanchez of the new millennium!