THE MIDNIGHT SCREENING of Cannibal Holocaust is over, and Im ...
"Excuse me?" he replies. "Excuuuse me? Do not even go there, because I could start calling you a whole lot worse things than 'douchebag.'"
"Well," I add, "I could add that you're a drunken douchebag."
He looks away, searching for a bon mot worthy of Charles Nelson Reilly. It takes a while, but he finally turns back to me: "I can see why Hitler wanted to have people like you killed."
And this is how my Pride Month starts. The quipster then goes on to note that I look both disgustingly Jewish and disgustingly fat, so I'm thinking that I might run into him later at the SportsBall 6 at Webster Hall. The event should have plenty of blondes with washboard abs for Miss Nazi Thing to admire.
Fortunately, the crowd gathered for the combination dance party/sports expo turns out to be exceptionally inclusive. It's not just a rare mingling of the sexes, but a uniquely broad range of male body types, as opposed to the usual Night of a Thousand Skeet Ulriches. The only bad thing about the night is that I arrive too late to see the gorgeous large women of the Glamazons, and have to settle for the American Gladiators-style go-go dancers.
All this naturally prompts me to check out some gay porn, but it turns out that Vin Diesel isn't even in 2 Fast 2 Furious. Steppin' Fetchit is certainly present, though, as personified by Tyrese and his immortal line, "The doctor tell me I got a high me-tab-o-lism."
As a white male from Alabama, this troubles me like Howell Raines?although not as much as when I meet up with fine Birmingham rock act Verbena over at the Mercury Lounge, and discover that the first paragraph of their official Capitol bio is dedicated to how my hometown is also home to the KKK's largest chapter and center of noted abortion-clinic bombings. The new album is called La Musica Negra, and I hope Eric Rudolph had a chance to buy his copy.
Despite being a white male from Alabama, I still remain tolerant enough to head over to The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Community Center for yet another coming-out party for Richard Chamberlain. This is a particularly queer event, as a bunch of proud gays gather to hear a closeted old actor discuss the self-hatred he's only recently resolved despite a loving relationship of more than 25 years. "I had to come to terms with it, like an alcoholic," explains Chamberlain, getting a lot more sympathy than Rick Santorum ever would for saying something similar.
The former Adam West of the miniseries?whose new book, Shattered Love, talks enough about energy to make him the New Age William Shatner?is also asked to address homophobia in Hollywood. Strangely, the question is posed by a young blond actor whose best girlfriend felt pressured to drop her longtime lesbian lover after landing a role in an upcoming tv series. I guess acting school doesn't teach the difference between homophobia and hypocrisy.
Chamberlain, incidentally, explains that he doesn't know about homophobia in modern Hollywood, since he's now retired?although it's safe to say he's overdue for a guest appearance on Will & Grace.
For the record, Chamberlain also notes that he was initially outed by fellow homosexuals?specifically, one person who was "angry and power-mad and rather mean-spirited." Doesn't sound like anyone we know. Anyway, the good news is that none of this should be very upsetting to my mother. She's always preferred George Maharis. I just don't know how to tell her that she looks Jewish.