The Envelope Please...

IF AMERICA'S ABSURDLY long campaign season is good for anything, it's good for every schmuck who ever dabbled with Final Cut Pro. These people have had the better part of a year to come up with a gag concept, hone their two-minute spots, announce the birth to a few carefully selected blogs-and hope they catch on. The results have been flooding the nation's inboxes since the primaries, with mixed results.

Of the mpegs currently making the rounds, one of our favorites is a short commercial entitled Seriously. In it, a young mother ponders her dislike for President Bush while sitting on a park bench.

"Is it the terrible things he's doing to our environment, to foreign relations? Or that he lied to start a war?" she asks. "No. I think I want him gone most of all because he's so goddamn fucking stupid. Seriously."

Fade to black.

If this paper were endorsing John Kerry for president, our reasoning would move along similar lines. Not that we're on the bandwagon that believes our president to be unintelligent. As advertising veterans, we never underestimate the power of branding-especially when that branding is built around an assumption of inferiority. (Victorious is the enemy underestimated, and all that.)

We do, however, believe in the importance of basic grammar, adult literacy and well-spoken leaders. We also believe that these virtues begin not at home, not at school, but at the tippy-top of the executive branch, in the Oval Office. Whatever your take on Bush's policies, we think the country is ill-served by a president who ordered Hooked on Phonics while he was the middle-aged governor of Texas. It was sort of funny at first. Then it got scary, which is where it remains. We want it to be over.

But we're not endorsing John Kerry for president. Or Ralph Nader or the Green guy or the Libertarian guy. We thought about urging a write-in campaign for Mr. Magoo, but not even that lovable old cartoon coot gets our nod. This isn't because we don't think there is a real choice to be made, it's because nobody cares how the editors of New York Press think you should spend your vote.

Nobody even cares what the editors of the New York Times think about the subject. When the most powerful newspaper in the world endorsed Kerry earlier this month, the biggest practical effect was to give our very own Russ Smith a few cymbal-crash opportunities for his column that week. It's possible that thousands of undecided voters in Ohio and Pennsylvania were given thoughtful pause by the blistering language and taut logic of the Times' pro-Kerry editorial fastball, convinced upon reading it to vote Democratic, but this editorial board very much doubts it. Had the Times endorsed Mr. Magoo, it would have had the same impact on Tuesday.

Instead of issuing wan, ineffectual endorsements, New York Press would like to use this space to remind our readers to bundle up this flu season. For those who have chosen to forgo their flu shot because of the vaccine shortage, write this down on a piece of paper and carry it around with you: The single most important step you can take to help prevent getting the flu is to wash your hands. Wash them with hot water and soap, multiple times a day. Handwashing is especially important after interacting with children, who are most susceptible to the flu and its primary spreaders. And when you blow or wipe your nose on the subway, make sure you catch all discharge. Also, throw away the tissue immediately, so as to prevent flu particles from spreading.

Seriously.