The Deal Breaker

Let us, we who are partial to granting benefits of doubt and second chances, be ever on the lookout for two phrases that, when uttered by an object of our affection, should give us just cause to up and run the other way as quickly as we can:

1) I am tired.

2) I am/have been busy.

-HG

I see at least one reader has perused that groundbreaking, Oprah-endorsed bestseller, He's Just Not that Into You. Now can you do me a favor and burn it? No, really. If you're so thick that you need a book to alert you to the fact that you're being shown the curb, you really don't have any business dating, because the next thing you know, you'll be walking into traffic and whatnot. The fact is, people (regardless of gender) do occasionally need sleep and, especially in a city like New York-where even a windowless, vermin-infested shithole will run you about two grand a month-most of us need to hang on to our jobs.

How many times have you blown off friends because you were tired or had to work late? Were you lying? Trying to banish them from your life forever? Uh, no. You were, in fact, tired or busy. Obviously there are chickenshits who will use these excuses to put off the inevitable perma-dump, but if you're wondering what a guy means when he offers up what you consider a lame excuse for not making plans, believe him. At least the first time. If he keeps putting you off, either ask him what's up or go out with someone else. Because if the proliferation of internet-dating sites has taught us nothing else, it's shown us that there's always another jackass waiting just around the next corner.

Women tend to overanalyze bullshit that men wouldn't think twice about. (That moronic book also made this point, but unlike the authors, I don't believe the male sex is made up exclusively of conniving victimizers and that all women are delusional dimwits.) Sometimes tired is just weary and busy means over-employed. Besides, there are so many other, valid, dealbreakers.

For example, the dreaded bad kisser. I made out with one guy and it was like being attacked by a crazed ferret. Instead of using his lips, he utilized a frenzied snapping technique that I've never (thankfully) experienced before or since. Not limiting himself to my lips, he nipped away at my entire lower face and jawline, stopping just short of drawing blood, before I could extricate myself from his grip. Another, more long-term boyfriend, used to open his mouth so wide, he'd cover both my nose and mouth, making breathing an impossibility. He'd then jab his tongue around the general area of my mouth until I could manage to push him off. I was very young then and wasn't savvy enough to figure out that this lack of technique would carry over into the bedroom. Oops.

Sex is another way to weed out the undesirables (of course, some will argue that you should do the weeding out prior to bumping the uglies, but sometimes a girl just can't wait). Kittenish mewing noises, gastric distress and penises that won't get hard are all turn-offs, as is any reference to "mommy." (Unless he's Spanish and it's, "Ay, mami." Then it's marginally okay.)

But I'm getting ahead of myself. One of the only financially solvent dudes I ever went out with asked me my thoughts on pre-nups on our second date. Huh? I told him that if my betrothed wanted me to sign a divorce agreement before we'd even married, I wouldn't go through with the ceremony. "But what if you had more money than him?" he bleated. Well, with the exception of that guy, I've always made more money than any boyfriend. (Which isn't saying much.)

There are loads of turn-offs that are person-specific. For example, though I know it's very good for you, I find men who do yoga completely repulsive. To me, a man toting a yoga mat is about as sexy as if he were wearing an overflowing adult diaper. Same with the pussed-out overly allergic guy. You know, the fella who's always moaning on about his lactose intolerance and latex sensitivity? He's about as hot as that dude over there with the yoga mat. And vegans! Don't even get me started on seitan or millet. Yuck. Then there is the would-be suitor who peppers his emails with emoticons and cute spellings! "U" are not Prince, so quit it!

While my dealbreaker list may seem extensive, compared to most ladies, I'm pretty easy. I know dames who won't date anyone shorter than them, under 30, over 30, or who doesn't look like he stepped out of an issue of Vogue Homme. Thankfully I don't know any myself, but I've heard tell of broads who insist the man pay for everything all the time (how come my vagina didn't come with a guaranteed lifetime supply of free meals?). Then there are the women who expect a guy to psychically divine what they're thinking and then get all crabby-ass when he (inevitably) gets it all wrong.

So yeah, you can rule out the nap-needers and the employed while I exclude the gassy and limber, but I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there who'd never consider breaking bread with an insensitive, secret-spilling, know-it-all crank like me or a hyper-sensitive, pop-psychology-spouting gal such as yourself. I guess we're all even.