The Coming C.H.U.D. Wars

If you think all the security measures the city has instituted in the subways these past months are simply about the threat of Islamic terrorists, you're dead wrong. New York is at war, yes, but what exactly we're battling is something city officials refuse to admit, be it out of ignorance or fear. My guess is the latter.

In 1984, writer Shep Abbot, producer Andrew Bonime and director Douglas Cheek made a docudrama concerning the federal government's role in the accidental creation of a race of mutants living in the sewers and subway tunnels beneath New York City. "Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers," they were called-or, as they were known more colloquially in the New York of the late 70s and early 80s, "C.H.U.D.s."

Although a quarter century ago C.H.U.D.s were publicly considered little more than an urban legend, a number of eyewitness accounts and a growing amount of physical evidence quietly convinced most people that they were much more than that. Dozens died or simply vanished underground-some yanked right off the street, through manholes.

The explanation seemed apparent.

The final piece of the puzzle fell into place on September 3, 1982, when the NYPD, together with the MTA, shut down the entire subway system for 24 hours and flooded it with cyanide gas in an effort to eradicate the creatures.

The disinformation campaign began almost immediately after the gassing, as government officials and the media tried to convince the population that the creatures had in fact been nothing more than a legend. The campaign worked, too, and when the film C.H.U.D. was released in 1984, it was seen as nothing more than a goofy, low-budget monster movie.

Of course, the facts as presented in the film had to be exaggerated a bit to meet Hollywood standards. The C.H.U.D.s themselves aren't squat, semi-reptilian creatures with long claws, glowing red eyes and pointy fangs, as presented onscreen. According to well-placed New York Press sources, they are shaggy, greasy man-beasts with long claws, glowing red eyes and pointy fangs-mole people who have mutated after generations of exposure to toxic waste stored by the government in long-forgotten tunnels beneath Manhattan.

For the last 15 years, little has been heard about the C.H.U.D.s. There have been few sightings, and incidents ("accidents," "crimes," etc.) in the subways and the sewers could be easily explained. Then, in the spring of 2001, the first evidence appeared that a new generation of C.H.U.D.s had arisen. I was riding a downtown train early one Wednesday evening while two transit officers stood near me, talking shop.

"Walking down the tracks at Delancey," one of them said, "you know where they open up?" The other cop nodded. "Well, over to the left, there's a hole in the wall. That's where they hide."

It was immediately clear to me that he wasn't talking about rats, albino alligators or track workers. There was something in his voice, an undercurrent of fear, that made it obvious that something evil was down there. And although the word "C.H.U.D" came to mind, I dismissed it. After all, the MTA had killed them all off in 1982.

But over the next four years, as the evidence began to mount once again, it became apparent that the cops hadn't been quite as thorough as they thought. What's more, these new C.H.U.D.s were smarter than the old breed.

Yes, the spike in the number of dismembered bodies found in the tunnels shows that they're not averse to the "snatch-and-maul" techniques of the old days. But there is also increasing evidence that they have come to a better understanding, not only of their subterranean environment, but of our world as well-and they didn't like it. Nor did they like our continual intrusion into theirs.

The annual number of people who "jumped" or "fell" on the subway tracks continued to climb through 2003 and 2004.

In January of 2004, Jodie Lane was electrocuted by a manhole cover while walking her dog in the East Village. People blamed Con Ed's incompetence and a collapsing infrastructure, but it was clear that at least a few C.H.U.D.s were not only gaining an understanding of the city's electrical power grid-they were also venturing closer to the surface.

It was only after the A and C lines were shut down for 10 days that city officials admitted, in their backhanded way, that they were confronted with an increasingly organized and militant C.H.U.D. population.

Initially, the story was that a homeless man in the subway had started a bonfire in a shopping cart. The fire spread into a control room, destroying a switch box.

During a press conference in which he dismissed that story, claiming the whole thing had resulted from a simple short circuit, Police Commissioner Ray Kelly, for some unknown reason, felt compelled to make the following statement:

There's some notion floating out there that there are communities that live in the subway? That's simply not the case. There may have been 10 or 15 years ago, but that's not the situation now.

The Commissioner was protesting too much. Nobody had asked him a thing about "underground communities"-yet he still felt it was an important point to make. What other way was there to interpret what he said, apart from, "There are Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers down there again, people, and they're starting to screw with us"?

Further proof came in short order, as the C.H.U.D. offensive quickly escalated.

On March 16 of this year, the 4, 5 and 6 lines were shut down for a day after "water leaked through a hole in a tunnel" and "damaged some electrical cables," leading to three separate and well-orchestrated power outages.

Less than two weeks later, on March 17, an "improperly stored metal plate came into contact with the third rail," leading to a "smoke condition" that trapped two 7 trains under the East River for an hour.

On March 22, "garbage left on the tracks came into contact with the third rail," sparking a fire that spread to several railroad ties, shutting down the 2, 3, 4 and 5 lines and the LIRR.

And on March 24, a tree "weakened by the latest snowstorm" fell on the elevated tracks in the Bronx, trapping dozens of passengers and cutting off 4 service for hours.

It was an old military strategy-cut off the means of transportation, and you'll stop the entire city in its tracks.

Then chunks of Rashawn Brazell were found in a subway tunnel beneath Bed-Stuy, and more people were getting shocked while walking down the street by an electrical system gone haywire.

The MTA, meanwhile, began pulling token clerks out of their booths, asking them instead to wander around the stations and keep their eyes peeled. But for what?

The argument that all these incidents were not connected, that they were nothing but accidents and coincidences, was growing weaker with each passing day.

Other so-called "anti-terror" measures-the increase in heavily armed police patrols and high-tech surveillance-was just the icing on the cake.

You might be asking at this point: If these C.H.U.D.s are such a big problem, where are all the eyewitness accounts like the ones we saw in the 70s and 80s? Why aren't any of those 4,000,000 daily commuters seeing these C.H.U.D.s? And why is New York Press the only paper in town that's been covering this story?

As I see it, there are three possibilities.

First, there may well be a media blackout in place in order to prevent widespread panic. This would help explain the MTA's aborted ban on photography in the subway system. Lord knows they don't need any pictures of these things popping up on A Current Affair or the cover of the News.

The problem with the blackout theory is that if these past years have taught us anything, it's that City Hall and the local media have no problem whatsoever with the idea of feeding paranoia and spreading panic, be it over "suspicious packages" or snakeheads.

A second explanation lies in the increased sophistication and intelligence of these new C.H.U.D.s. Unlike that savage and sloppy first generation, this new breed knows enough to stay in the shadows and cover their tracks.

A third, and I believe much more likely, possibility is that there have, in fact, been plenty of eyewitnesses-but they're all dead.

Things have been fairly quiet underground in recent days, which may indicate that a stalemate has been reached, or that the C.H.U.D.s have backed off a bit in order to regroup in preparation for something big.

Whatever the case, City Hall is apparently not taking any chances, and is hoping to use the lull to grab the advantage, perhaps even put a swift end to the C.H.U.D. threat once and for all. They've even called in the Dept. of Homeland Security to help them out.

I must admit that the "chemical attack" rehearsals being conducted around the city these past weeks had me a bit antsy at first. There were too many unanswered questions. Then I recognized that they weren't practicing for a strike on us, but rather a strike on them-hence the gas release in the subways planned for the coming days. Unlike 1982, they plan on doing it right this time.

You may not like or trust city officials, their methods, denials and their obvious lies, but we have no choice but to stand with them on this. And when the day comes that you hear that the entire subway system is being shut down for 24 hours or more, don't panic. Just stay home, close your windows, and hope for the best. This is a fight that will determine the future, and possibly the very existence, of New York City.

[How to Survive a Encounter](chud.jpg)