Taibbi's gonna burn in hell.

'Tis the season to be jolly, and that I certainly am, at least until the computer clicks on each morning and reveals how astoundingly stupid the vast majority of journalists are. Let us begin by saying a prayer for Matt Taibbi, beseeching the Lord that his upcoming marriage will bring uninterrupted happiness, companionship and most of all, a measure of wisdom.

It is Matt's mandate to educate?with all the subtlety of an Ivy League student (or professor) ducking classes to participate in an antiwar protest?the great unwashed, specifically those who identify themselves as Christians. Last week, in his New York Press column, Matt had a go with the Revs. Graham, Billy and Franklin, "fifth-rate shysters" by his reckoning, grossly exaggerating their influence upon President Bush. Never mind that GWB's predecessors all, at least for public consumption, professed steadfast admiration for men of the cloth. Bill Clinton, for example, during his dark hours, invited preacher Jesse Jackson to pray with him, at least before the Super Bowl started. The faith of Jimmy Carter needs no further explanation, although his meddling in world affairs could be more roundly condemned; nor does that of the Kennedy brothers, one of whom, Bobby, clutched rosary beads as he lay dying in Los Angeles 35 years ago.

The Grahams (whose political influence, if it even exists, on Bush is minuscule in comparison to Michael Gerson, Karl Rove and brother Jeb, just for starters), have, according to Taibbi, "spent decades engaged on a relentless quest to turn the United States into the world's revenge on smart people." The author, of course, includes himself in that number, which is debatable, since there are different kinds of "smart," and he flunks in at least half the categories.

Matt?and please, may his soul be saved, if only for the sake of future progeny?writes one of the silliest paragraphs I've come across in all of 2003, and that includes anything committed to newsprint or glossy paper by well-heeled Beltway pundits, Lewis Lapham, Frank Rich, anti-Bush convert Graydon Carter or the Boston Globe's Derrick Z. Jackson.

Perhaps it was Jack Daniels, rather than Jack Frost, nipping at Matt's nose when he roared this battle cry: "In any fight, you must meet force with force. Evangelism is naturally expansive. Atheism is defensive. That is why they are growing, and we're [the "smart" ones] sitting around like idiots watching as pious troglodytes occupy the White House and send us hurtling hundreds of years back in time, to the age of the Crusades."

What?

It's possible that Howard Dean, who may have upended his presidential campaign by claiming the capture of Saddam Hussein hasn't made the United States safer, rung up Matt's cellphone after one of his young lackeys brought this column to his attention?nasty speechwriters aren't easy to find, unless you're willing to spend a million bucks on humanity's blight known as Robert Shrum?but more level-headed people might believe New York Press' philosopher-in-residence has taken a road not yet traveled even by lapsed economist Paul Krugman.

Granted, I haven't advanced to the exalted state of atheism, but it seems to me that a prime example of a "troglodyte" these days is Dr. Dean, the candidate who, after excoriating his fellow Democrats also seeking their party's top nomination (excluding, of course, Rev. Al Sharpton and Carol Moseley Braun, who are, after all, black and therefore beyond reproach) is now bellowing that "attack politics" isn't kosher. "It's not necessary to tear down the other opponents," Dean said in Iowa last Saturday, adding, "This campaign needs a little character transplant? You shouldn't believe what other people say."

The man from Vermont and the Hamptons then contradicted himself by grumbling, "There are five or six people running for president right now who have a chance at winning. I'm the only person who has done anything about trying to get health care."

Rep. Dick Gephardt, a soldier in Hillary Clinton's attempt to socialize health care in her husband's first term, and Dean's main competitor, may beg to differ, but in the Hojo campaign history, even yesterday's news is of no relevance.

But topping off this disingenuous whopper was Dean's assertion, in a Los Angeles speech on Dec. 15?which was allegedly aimed at reassuring skittish Democrats who look at the former governor and see George McGovern?that "I would not have hesitated to go into Iraq... had the United Nations given us permission."

Good heavens, Matt Taibbi gets exercised over Billy Graham's phantom influence on George W. Bush, and here's a potential president of the United States willing to cede, without shame or embarrassment, his country's fate to an utterly discredited institution like the United Nations. That's just swell.

I suppose if a disaster occurs next November and Dean is elected, that when 10,000 Americans are murdered by terrorists in New York or Los Angeles, President Dean will contact Kofi Annan and ask his "permission" to engage the U.S. military overseas. It's likely that Annan, in concert with Amnesty International, PETA and 75 percent of Harvard's faculty, will tell Howard to calm down and let diplomacy work its magic. Actually, it's even more likely that Annan wouldn't even return Dean's phone call until after he'd polished off the last bite of dessert at a four-star restaurant, accompanied by Thomas Friedman and Chairman Arafat.

Not that Taibbi or Dean has an absolute monopoly on condescending to lesser mortals. A Nov. 30 Los Angeles Times editorial, making fun of Americans who profess some sort of spiritual beliefs, would make a fitting exhibit C should a class-action lawsuit be waged one day against the paper's corporate parent Tribune Co.

On the subject of what happens once a person takes his or her last breath, I'm in the "Who knows?" camp. Years of Sunday school and church as a youth were, in retrospect, a valuable experience, but I can't say for sure there's a place beyond our imagination where the Red Sox win the World Series every year, unions don't exist, lions, tigers and bears don't bite and one-on-one luncheons with Abraham Lincoln or Mark Twain can be scheduled with a low-pitched whistle.

Nevertheless, a Times writer, undoubtedly auditioning for a more lucrative job in television, offered this devil-dog opinion. "Bad news on the afterlife front," it begins. "A national poll finds most Americans believe there is a heaven, a hell and life after death. Worse, nearly two-thirds of Americans figure they're going to the good place. Well, that's just fine. You live a good, decent life for years down here, slowing for pedestrians, biting your tongue in meetings, buying those awful Girl Scout mint cookies anyway and tipping fairly, even after your family leaves the table, and what's the great eternal reward? Two-thirds of everything goes up there with you?the traffic, crowds, litterers, smog, smokers, cellphone addicts, parents oblivious to screaming kids. They all get in, too."

It is plausible that ever since the Times lost its underhanded public relations campaign to keep California safe from Arnold Schwarzenegger, the motto "Anything Goes" is tacked on every one of its newsroom bulletin boards.

On the subject of dilettante journalists, while the "chattering classes" (a phrase that still, to my amazement, is printed as often as "Bush's unilateral war") ponder exactly what's in store for New York now that Wendy Wasserstein's brother purchased the weekly?Al Franken replacing Michael Wolff, perhaps??I'm wondering when someone, anyone, who wields power at Newsweek will retire that magazine's hopeless "Conventional Wisdom" filler that appears every Monday.

An "up" arrow in the Dec. 29 issue was bestowed upon "U.S. soldiers," a perfectly non-troglodyte compliment that any reasonable person would salute. It was the accompanying blurb that was offensive: "Brave, professional?and the only Americans asked to sacrifice anything after 9/11." It's not breaking news, even to insulated, educated and affluent Newsweek writers, I'd like to believe, that the year is no longer 1941. Sure, after watching Tom Hanks/Steven Spielberg collaborations?in a smoke-free environment?that pay homage to the "Greatest Generation," one could excuse these wiseacres the idea that winning a war still requires food rationing, but the falsehood that Americans didn't "sacrifice" after 9/11 is ludicrous.

Never mind all the cops, firefighters and volunteers who labored under unbearable conditions at Ground Zero for months after 9/11?God only knows how many cancer patients will be treated 15 years hence from exposure to that hell on Earth?for even the Newsweek slugs would own up to that oversight. No, what this noxious statement was really getting at is that President Bush was victorious in passing tax cuts that, of course, go only to the wealthy. People like the Graham family, majority owners of the Washington Post and Newsweek, as well as the New York Times' Sulzbergers, along with the men and women?but not antiwar actors and musicians?who work in the financial sector.

There were millions of people who made a "sacrifice" in the wake of that defining event. It may have escaped the crew at Newsweek, but the nation's economy, already in recession, was devastated on 9/11, causing massive layoffs, bankruptcies and a spiraling cost of living. The airline industry, for example, hasn't yet recovered, a reality that affected not only the CEOs, but also ticket-takers, baggage handlers, catering companies and flight attendants. Tell those people they made no sacrifice. Likewise, hotels and resorts all suffered from a lack of business, which affected employees not only in that industry, but also the employees of restaurants, retail stores and entertainment venues in close proximity to those establishments.

But back to the arduous task of rescuing Matt Taibbi's soul. In a letter sent to New York Press, written before the anti-Christian screed, a correspondent had his say. (Whether this is published or not, I have no clue; if so, there's nothing wrong with cross-referencing.)

This person wrote, in part: "I'm a lifelong Democrat. Voted for Clinton twice. Proud union member. But something changed. It started with nearly getting killed at the Trade Center. Then later, when I read the papers after 9/11, and everyone, like Taibbi, started implying that we deserved it, I turned a corner. The piles were still smoldering, the dead were barely cold, and Chomsky and his pals were already out there: We're bad people and we got hit because we failed to understand the needs of the backwards, anti-Semitic, hateful, fucked-up folks sitting in poverty and ignorance atop massive oil reserves, crushed by nasty brutish dictators. Yep, shame on us, and shame on us even more for fighting back.

"This isn't about 'understanding the roots of terror.' It's about pulling out the roots of terror? I was surprised that we invaded Afghanistan and Iraq at all; I'd believed that Americans were no longer made of the hardier stuff. I figured we'd bomb a couple of things, then 'try to understand' the anti-American assholes, and readjust our foreign policy to suit their needs. But then I realized I was confusing American journalists with Americans. And I realized that it wasn't America that was full of whiny pussies; it was American journalism that was."

Merry Christmas.

[MUG1988@aol.com](mailto:MUG1988@aol.com)