STAGE WEDNESDAY 4/9 Cabaret "An ...

Cabaret

"An American in Paris" Supper club welcomes back singer & pianist Steve Ross, performing French-inspired songs written by Americans incl. Cole Porter & Oscar Hammerstein & trib. to French performers incl. Maurice Chevalier; Stanhope Park Hyatt, 995 5th Ave. (betw. 80th & 81st Sts.), 212-650-4737; 8:30, $40 & $25 min. [repeats Thurs. & Tues. at 8:30, Fri. & Sat. at 8:30 & 10:30].

The Lounge-O-Leers Ricky Ritzel & Aaron Morishita update the lounge act w/classics like "Stairway to Heaven" & cheesy renditions of Eminem hits; Hannah's Lava Lounge, 923 8th Ave. (betw. 54th & 55th Sts.), 212-974-9087; 5, free [repeats Thurs.].

Low Burlesque, Gin & Jazz Slip back a few decades at speakeasy-type space w/classic cocktails & ambience; this week catch burlesque by Selina Vixen, performance by Seattle's "Typing Explosion" group, plus acrobatics, magic & lots of music; Low, 81 Washington St. (betw. Front & York Sts.), DUMBO, 718-222-1569; 8, free.

Norman's Big Night Out Norman Gosney ups the ante for fabulous w/song, dance, comedy & vaudeville; Show, 135 W. 41st St. (betw. 6th Ave. & B'way), 212-278-0988; 10:30, $25.

Comedy

"The Best of the Comics Roundtable" New weekly sketch/stand-up show feat. Paul Wagner, Becky Veduccio & Al Del Bene showing off how they've honed their comedic skills; Danny's Skylight Room, 346 W. 46th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-265-8133; 9:15, $12, $6 st./military.

Pete Correale Stand-up w/Richie Byrne, Carrie Karavas, Kevin Brennan, Greg Rogell & Steve Byrne; Dangerfield's, 1118 1st Ave. (betw. 61st & 62nd Sts.), 212-593-1650; 8:45 to closing, $12-$20 [repeats Fri. at 8:30 & 10:30, Sat. at 8, 10:30 & 12:30 a.m., Sun. at 8:45].

Decomposition Comedian Marc Maron is still working on his one-man show, so come hear & weigh in on his "cultural & political commentary, mystical ruminations & neurotic insights into human nature"; Joe's Pub, 425 Lafayette St. (betw. E. 4th St. & Astor Pl.), 212-539-8778; 7:30, $15.

Eight Is Never Enough! Part of the Times Square Comedy Jam, this show feat. good ol' sketch comedy & improv, plus plenty of satire & impersonations; the Shea Theatre, 303 W. 42nd (at 8th Ave.), 800-630-7144; 9, $20 incl. unlimited drinks & food.

Fancy Julie Klausner's one-woman show "celebrates the ugliest of female stereotypes" in fun musical comedy; Maverick Theater, 307 W. 26th St. (8th Ave.), 212-366-9176; 9:30, $5.

Dance

Repertorio Espanol pres. Spanish flamenco icon Pilar Rioja in "The Queen of Spanish Dance," the sensational "la Fiesta Del Chivo" & other audience favorites; Gramercy Arts Theater, 138 E. 27th St. (betw. Lexington & 3rd Aves.), 212-889-2850; 11 a.m., $25-$40 [repeats Tues. & Thurs. at 7, Fri. & Mon. at 11, Sat at 3 & 8, Sun at 2].

Shadowman Sarah Michelson pres. the final series of her two-part anti-epic, meshing "Medieval-style Bauhaus" w/dirty rock; P.S. 122, 150 1st Ave. (betw. 9th & 10th Sts.), 212-477-5288; 7:30, $30 [repeats Thurs.-Sun.].

THURSDAY 4/10

Cabaret

"Fisherman's Famous San Francisco Burlesque" feat. live music & performances by weekly headliners Harvest Moon & Julie Atlas Muz backed by the Xylophonic Orchestra; the Marquee, 356 Bowery (betw. Great Jones & E. 4th Sts.), 212-475-7621; 10 & 11:30, $5.

Fuenteovejuna Lope de Vega's classic about murder in a 15-century Spanish village is condensed & updated into invigorating cabaret w/hip-hop, puppetry, tap & improv; Duplex, 61 Christopher St. (7th Ave), 212-255-5438; 9, $5 & 2 drink min.

Terre Roche & Friends On Roche's 50th birthday, she's joined by Richard Barone, Garry Dial, Jack Hardy & many more; Bottom Line, 15 W. 4th St. (Mercer St.), 212-228-6300; 8, $25.

Comedy

Robert Cohen Emcee's show feat. Patrick Borelli; Siberia in Exile Bar, 356 W. 40th St. (9th Ave.), 646-674-1710; 8, $5.

Gotham All Stars & YAI/Lifestart Fundraiser Jim Gaffigan, Marc Maron, Juston McKinney & Ted Alexandro bring in the laughs for good cause; Gotham Comedy Club, 34 W. 22nd St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-367-9000; 8:30, $10 & 2 drink min.

The Happy Hour Laurie Kilmartin is host w/comics Rod Reyes, Sherry Davey, Deirdre Sullivan & more; Downstairs at Porters, 216 7th Ave. (betw. 22nd & 23rd Sts.), 212-242-2422; 8:30, $7 & 1 item min.

Playmobiles Above Kleptomania creator Erik Marcisak pres. Spanish improv group; Show World, 671 8th Ave. (betw. 42nd & 43rd Sts.), 917-214-8252; 8, $10, $8 st./s.c.

Dance

The Emergency Fund for Student Dancers Spring concert feat. advanced students from the Ailey School, Merce Cunningham Studio, Dance Theatre of Harlem School, Limon Institute & the Martha Graham School of Contemporary Dance. Performance incl. original choreographers' works ; Everett Center for Performing Arts, Dance Theater of Harlem, 466 W. 152nd St. (betw. Amsterdam & St. Nicholas Aves.), 212-690-2800; 7:30, $10 [repeats Fri. & Sat.].

"WorldWideWorks" series pres. Australia's Lucy Guerin Co. in "The Ends of Things," based on an ending stagnate life & feat. duet "Melt" focusing on development & transformations "through exposure to external forces"; Bessie Schönberg Theater, 219 W. 19th St. (betw. 7th & 8th Aves.), 212-924-0077; 7, $27 [Fri. & Sat. at 7, Sun at 2].

FRIDAY 4/11

Cabaret

"The Girlie Show" MaryJo Palumbo sings songs of "Girlietown," original & revived creations w/diverse influences; Danny's Skylight Room, 346 W. 46th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-265-8133; 7, $20 & $10 min. [repeats Tues.].

Comedy

"Above Kleptomania Improv & Sketch Comedy Theatre" Erik Marcisak pres. 223 long-form improv artists, in teams w/names like "the Royal We," "the Cowboy & John," "Fade In" & "Your Mom," performing pieces based on audience suggestions; Show World, 671 8th Ave. (betw. 42nd & 43rd Sts.), 917-214-8252; 8 & 10, $10, $8 st./s.c. [repeats Sat.].

Jim Gaffigan w/Gregg Rogell, Greg Giraldo, Greg Carey & Juston McKinney; Gotham Comedy Club, 34 W. 22nd St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-367-9000; 8:30 & 10:30, $15 & 2 drink min. [repeats Sat. at 8:30, 10:30 & 12:30 a.m.].

"No Relation" Unrelated hosts Anthony & Joe Devito pres. stand-uppers from Comedy Central & Letterman; Rose's Turn, 55 Grove St. (betw. 7th Ave. & Christopher St.), 212-366-5438; 9, $5 & 2 drink min.

The Porno Jim Show Freelance pornographer Jim Graham & burlesque artist Bex offer up "humorous & educational exploration of modern pornography"?w/clips, of course!; Collective Unconscious, 145 Ludlow St. (betw. Stanton & Rivington Sts.), 212-254-5277; 10, $15, 18+ [repeats Sat.].

Psychotherapy Live! Lisa Levy brandishes her fake psychology degree as she talks w/audience members & "solves" their problems w/a healthy dose of laughs; the Marquee, 356 Bowery (betw. Great Jones & E. 4th Sts.), tkts. 212-245-1009 x 260; 8, $12.

Stand-Up Ensemble feat. Neil Gronowetter, Dean Obiedallah & even Gladys herself; Gladys' Comedy Room, 145 W. 45th St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves), 212-832-1762; 8:30, $8 & $5 min. [repeats Sat.].

William Stephenson hosts stand-up feat. JJ Ramirez, Ellen Cleghorn, Buddy Bolton & Vanessa Hollingshead; Comic Strip Live, 1568 2nd Ave. (betw. 81st & 82nd Sts.), 212-861-9386; 8:30, 10:30 & 12:30 a.m., $17 & 2 drink min.

Thwack! "The Umbilical Brothers" (aka Australians Shane Dundas & David Collins) deliver slapstick comedy as you've never seen before, imitating sounds & hurling themselves around the stage as they poke fun at everyone & everything; New Victory Theater, 209 W. 42nd St. (betw. B'way & 8th Ave.) 7 & 10, $10-$30 [repeats Sat. & Sun. at 2 & 7].

Dance

"Belly Polling: An Evening With Ivy Baldwin Dance" Troupe explores perceptions of modern dance in "Sympathy for an Audience," "Two Tears in a Bucket" investigating submission & "Ekubo Theatre," inspired by Arthur Golden's Memoirs of a Geisha; Joyce Soho, 155 Mercer St. (betw. Houston & Prince Sts.), 212-431-9233; 8, $15 [repeats Sat. & Sun.].

Caron Eule Dance pres. "Clean Springing 2.'" Modern dance series celebrates spring w/convention-defying "With Backs Exposed," an acrobatic struggle feat. on point, narrative piece "Almost Peachy" & tropical delight "One Little Chance"; Williamsburg Art neXus, 205 N. 7th St. (betw. Driggs Ave. & Roebling St.), Bklyn, 718-599-7997; 8, $15 [repeats Sat.].

SATURDAY 4/12

Cabaret

Amy X Neuberg Neuberg comes to NY armed w/electronic cabaret that blends experimental & traditional music, both vocal & instrumental, w/spoken word; Roulette, 228 W. B'way (White St.), 212-219-8242; 8:30, $10.

Cary Hoffman performs Sinatra classics w/the Stan Rubin Orchestra...and listen, this guy sounds exactly like Frank; Carnegie Club, 156 West 56th St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-957-9676; 8 & 10, $30 & 2 drink min.

Judy Garland Live! Judy Garland is back, via Tommy Femia, & performing classic hits incl. Stormy Weather, as well as tunes she never got to. This week see Survivor 2's Mitchell Olson; Don't Tell Mama, 343 W. 46th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-757-0788; 11, $20 & 2 drink min.

"Some Enchanted April in New York" NY Festival of Song brings Sylvia McNair, Judy Kaye, Joseph Kaiser & Steven Blier to the stage w/songs of Richard Rodgers & Vernon Duke; Sylvia & Danny Kaye Playhouse at Hunter College, 695 Park Ave. (68th St.), 212-772-4448; 8, $36, $12 st./s.c.

Va Va Voom Room Miss Astrid hosts night of burlesque, va va vaudeville, strippers, magicians & clowns; Fez/Time Cafe, 380 Lafayette St. (Great Jones St.), 212-330-9349; 10:30, $15 & 2 drink min.

Comedy

Blackjewlove "A healing force for the new millennium" from comedy team of Epstein & Hassan; Cutting Room, 19 W. 24th St. (betw. B'way & 6th Ave.), 212-242-6216; 8, $10.

The Brooklyn Brew-Ha-Ha Larry Getlen hosts stand-up comics incl. Jon Corbett, Josh Wade, Al Del Bene & Andrew Donnelly; East End Ensemble, 273 Smith St. (betw. Sackett & Degraw Sts.), 718-624-8878; 9, $5 & 1 drink min.

Lylice & American Standard Jen Nails takes on sixth-grader & elementary school teacher personas in "Lylice" & Jessica Allen proves she has hilarity to spare as she performs her one-woman show about living w/her crazy, mixed-up background; People's Improv Theater, 154 W. 29th St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-563-7488; 8, $8.

Kerry McNally hosts stand-up feat. Laurie Kilmartin, Brad Trackman, Todd Lynn, Ellen Cleghorn, Joe Vega & Tony Rock; Comic Strip Live, 1568 2nd Ave. (betw. 81st & 82nd Sts.), 212-861-9386; 6, 8, 10:15 & 12:30 a.m., $17 & 2 drink min.

"The 9 O'Clock 10:17 Comedy Night" Michael Birch, Bricken Sparacino & the 10:17 Comedy Troupe celebrate their re-birth w/performance feat. puppet vaudeville by Carla Rhodes & stand-up by Susan Brewer, Val Kappa & Ben Morrison; Gershwin Hotel, 7 E. 27th St. (betw. 5th & Madison Aves.), 212-545-8000; 9, $5.

"The Nuclear Family" Three radioactive...er, red-hot guys pres. always-evolving musical about American family based on audience suggestions; HERE, 145 6th Ave. (betw. Spring & Dominick Sts.), 212-647-0202; 10:30, $12.

"Poole Party!" Ron Poole returns w/his hit comedy-variety show feat. stand-up, musical & improv provoked laughs; Don't Tell Mama, 343 W. 46th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-757-0788; 8:30, $10 & 2 drink min.

"The Rock Albers Show: An Evening of Comedy & Songs" Albers, wearing his trademark Brooks Bros. suit & fuzzy pink bunny ears & tail, performs crafty comedy song critiques of Martha Stewart?he did it before it was cool!?state flags & the Berenstain Bears; Rose's Turn, 55 Grove St. (betw. 7th Ave. & Christopher St.), tkts. 212-206-1515; 9, $10 & 2 drink min.

Sound + Vision Upright Citizens Brigade, temporarily relocated, pres. multimedia long-form improvisations by two groups: guerrilla filmmakers Neutrino Video Projects, then Mother in the Soundtrack, which creates show based on audience-provided music; Maverick Theater, 307 W. 26th St. (8th Ave.), 212-366-9176; 10:30, $7.

"The Syrup & Butter Show" Don't go hankering for pancakes?this sketch comedy by Elephant Larry (HA! Comedy Festival & Upright Citizens Brigade) won't fill your stomach, but it might satisfy cravings for off-the-wall comedy; the St. Marks Theater, 94 St. Marks Pl. (betw. Ave. A & 1st Ave.), 212-696-7949; 8, $7, $5 st./s.c.

"The Tommy Koenig Show" Tommy hosts comedy & music from guests Carol Ann Valentino, Preston Simpson & Carla Johnston; Dillons Restaurant & Bar, 245 W. 54th St. (betw. B'way & 8th Ave.), 212-307-9797; 10, $10 & $10 min.

Dance

Eliot Feld's Ballet Tech Performance feat. eccentric favorite "Paper Tigers," set to music by Leon Redbone, Hawaiian-inspired "Pacific Dances" & "French Overtures"; Joyce Theater, 175 8th Ave. (19th St.), 212-242-0800; 8, $40.

SUNDAY 4/13

Cabaret

Eat Me Scotty the Blue Bunny offers up "power hour of songs, spiel & violin," not to mention tricks & treats from his circus days; Duplex, 61 Christopher St. (7th Ave), 212-255-5438; 9, $10.

Isaac Mizrahi Get a load of the famous designer & music lover "singing his head off" w/Ben Waltzer's jazz quintet; Joe's Pub, 425 Lafayette St. (betw. E. 4th St. & Astor Pl.), 212-539-8778; 7:30, $20.

Shayna Steele's Funk & Soul Shayna performs funk, r&b & soul renditions of covers, standards & original music w/the help of pianist David Cook & six-piece band; Fez/Time Cafe, 380 Lafayette St. (Great Jones St.), RSVP 212-533-2680; 8, $12.

Snatch! Girlie music & comedy feat. five women exploring experiences of going to & from NYC; Meow Mix, 269 E. Houston St. (Suffolk St.), 212-254-0688; 8, $5.

Comedy

Asssscat 3000 Upright Citizens Brigade temporarily moves down the block but keeps on keeping on w/unique long form improv feat. guests from SNL & Conan; Chelsea Playhouse, 125 W. 22nd St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-366-9176; 7:30 & 9:30, free-$7.

Free-Associated Press The world is sad & scary in times of war, but Freestyle Repertory Theatre's new production will make it all better w/long-form improv sketches based on audience suggestions & newspaper headlines; Trilogy Theater, 341 W. 44th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), tkts. 212-206-1515; 7, $12.

Kids 'n' Comedy Youngsters, ages 9-15, stampede the stage & give a taste of what stand-up comedy is going to be like in years to come; Gotham Comedy Club, 34 W. 22nd St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-367-9000; 4, $15 & 1 drink min.

Dance

James Sewell Ballet Critically acclaimed Minnesota-based troupe pres. "Lover," "Opus 131," "Improvisations #3 19-43" & "Amahal and the Night Visitors"; Walt Whitman Theater, Brooklyn College, Nostrand Ave. (Ave. H), 718-951-4500; 2, $30.

"Salute to Fred Benjamin" NY Dance Divas, the Fred Benjamin Dance Co., Alpha Omega Dance Co. & Philadanco dedicate eclectic repertoire to renowned choreographer. Works incl. excerpts of "Ice Fire" & "Left Over Wine," Alpha Omega's modern ballet "In My Father's House" & Philadanco's full-length ballet "Beattyville"; Peter J. Sharp Theater, Symphony Space, 95th St. (B'way), 212-864-5400; 7, $20.

MONDAY 4/14

Cabaret

"The Morning Show with Bradford Scobie & Laura Sweeney" Chipper morning talk show host knock-offs bombard the late-night crowd w/parody & satire...let's just hope they're funnier than the original; the Marquee, 356 Bowery (betw. Great Jones & E. 4th Sts.), 212-475-7621; 10, $5.

Monday Evening Burlesque *BOB* hosts "classic burlesque tassel-twirling fun"; Galapagos, 70 N. 6th St. (betw. Wythe & Kent Aves.), 718-782-5188; 9:30, free.

Dusty Springfield Trib. to "Queen of Blue-Eyed Soul" feat. singers incl. Kate Pierson (B-52's), Maggie Moore, Andrew Abelson & Varla Jean Merman?proceeds benefit England's the Royal Marsden Hospital, where Springfield was treated for breast cancer; Joe's Pub, 425 Lafayette St. (betw. E. 4th St. & Astor Pl.), 212-539-8778; 7 & 9, $25.

Comedy

Colin Quinn headlines show w/Mitch Fatel, Jim Norton, Greg Giraldo & Godfrey; Comedy Cellar, 117 MacDougal St. (betw. Bleecker & W. 3rd Sts), 212-254-3480; 9 & 11, $10 & 2 drink min. [repeats Tues.].

Comic Rhythm Jeff Kreisler's comedy/variety showcase feat. stand-up, music & alternative acts; Three of Cups, 83 1st Ave. (5th St.), 212-388-0059; 8, $3.

New Talent Caroline's is known as the source for up-and-coming talent; tonight is a show devoted to bringing those new voices into the spotlight; Caroline's Comedy Club, 1626 B'way (49th St.), 212-757-4100; 7 & 9:30, $15 & 2 drink min.

"6:30 Mondays" Greg Contreras hosts stand-up open mic feat. comedians working out the kinks in their routines?one drink gets you five glorious minutes on stage; Village Lantern, 167 Bleecker St. (betw. Thompson & Sullivan Sts.), 212-260-7993; 6:30, 1 drink min.

TUESDAY 4/15

Cabaret

Automatic Vaudeville Weekly series feat. Stephanie Mnookin & Eliot Laurence w/part of their new work "Guile," which incorporates dance, rap & comedy as the two make a mockery of their pasts; Ars Nova, 511 W. 54th St. (betw. 10th & 11th Aves.) 8, $5.

"Theatre Songs" Karen Akers sings classics by Sondheim, Marvin Hamlisch & more, plus songs from the original Nine, for which she received Tony nomination; Algonquin Hotel, the Oak Room, 59 W. 44th St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-840-6800 ext.159; 9, $50 & $20 min.

Comedy

"Big Daddy's Addy's Variety Review" Musical comedy show feat. the talents of Adam Roth & the Jaded Six performing original songs & covers in "Stump the Band"?a take off on "Name That Tune"; Arlene Grocery, 95 Stanton St. (betw. Ludlow & Orchard Sts.), 212-358-1633; 9:30, $6.

Fever Pitch Under The Table Theatre pres. sidesplitting political humor in modern version of classical Italian comedy form; Galapagos, 70 N. 6th St. (betw. Wythe & Kent Aves.), 718-782-5188; 7:30, $5-$7.

"Funny Business" David Moore pres. special theme night at the old stand-by; Caroline's Comedy Club, 1626 B'way (49th St.), 212-757-4100; 7, $20 & 2 drink min.

"Meat" Female troupe feat. Elizabeth Ellis, Reggan Holland, Margot B. Leitman, Becky Poole & Livia Scott serve up raw sketch that makes Mad Cow seem safe w/stand-uppers Christian Finnagan & Danny Cohen; Cinema Classics, 332 E. 11th St. (betw. 1st & 2nd Ave.), 212-677-5368; 7, $7.

"Rick Shapiro: Repeat Offender" Outlaw comic rains on your parade w/edgy stand-up, semi-autobiographical storytelling & plenty of mania; Bowery Poetry Club, 308 Bowery (betw. 1st Ave. & Bleecker St.), 212-614-0505; 9, $12.

Dance

ABT's Studio Co. pres. an evening of new works incl. Gosford Park-inspired "Tea and Temptation" investigating British class system's conundrums, "Heavenly Bodies" feat. nine dancers representing planets, pas de deux "Revelry" & sextet "Continuo"; Sylvia & Danny Kaye Playhouse at Hunter College, 695 Park Ave. (68th St.), 212-772-4448; 8, $24.

The Bridge New works-in-progress series examines dance-theater genre feat. Ellen Beckerman & Co., Todd Williams/Bellerophon Dance, Wendy Luker & Rebecca Vernooy?plus audience is encouraged to critique; Williamsburg Art neXus, 205 N. 7th St. (betw. Driggs Ave. & Roebling St.), Bklyn, 718-599-7997; 8, $10.

THEATER

Performance times follow the paper's publishing schedule (Weds.-Tues.). We recommend calling theaters to verify.

IN PREVIEWS

Clurman Based on life of co-founder of 1930s' "Group Theatre" ; Century Center for the Performing Arts, 115 E. 15th St. (betw. Park & 3rd Aves.), 800-490-1175; Thurs.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, mats. Wed. at 2, Sun. at 3, $15[opens 4/10].

Daisy Mayme George Kelly's 1926 story of domestic life; Theatre 80, 80 St. Mark's Pl. (betw. 1st & 2nd Aves.), 212-598-9802; call for times, $10-$40[opens 4/13, through 5/11].

Dream a Little Dream Denny Doherty stars in musical about former bandmates John & Michelle Phillips & Cass Elliott; Village Theatre, 158 Bleecker St. (betw. Sullivan & Thompson Sts.), 212-307-4100; Weds.-Sat. & Mon. at 8, mats. Sat. at 2:30 & Sun. at 3, $65-$100[opens 4/23, through 4/9].

Fashion; or Life in New York "Anna Cora Mowatt's satire of social postures and masquerades"; Metropolitan Playhouse, 220 E. 4th St. (betw. Aves. A & B), 212-995-5302; Thurs.-Sat. at 8, mat. Sun. at 4, $15, $12 st./s.c.[opens 4/11, through 5/4].

The Ontological Detective NY Police Detective "embarks on seemingly common suicide investigation" & ends up "living on the edge of reality"; Blue Heron Arts Center, 123 E. 24th St. (betw. Park Ave. S. & Lexington Ave.), 212-868-4444; call for times, $15-$25[opens 4/10, through 5/11].

RECENTLY OPENED

Adult Entertainment Danny Aiello & Jeannie Berlin star in new Elaine May comedy about porn; Variety Arts Theatre, 110 3rd Ave. (betw. 13th & 14th Sts.), 212-239-6200; Weds.-Sat. at 8, Sun. at 6, mats. Sat. & Sun. at 2, $25-$65 [through 4/13].

After Wednesday "What would happen if your closest friends turned guns on your classmates? How would you cope? And how would people look at you?" Although, of course, in that situation, looks are probably the last thing one has to worry about...; Triology Annex Theatre, 341 W. 44th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-592-0013; Thurs. at 7, Sat. at 8, $12, $10 st. [through 4/12].

Astro-Discrimination But what about non-practicing Virgos?; Collective Unconscious, 145 Ludlow St. (betw. Stanton & Rivington Sts.), 212-254-5277; Thurs. at 8 [through 4/24].

Barbra's Wedding Actor Daniel Stern (Breaking Away, Diner, Home Alone, City Slickers) makes his playwriting debut; Westside Theater, 407 W. 43rd St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-239-6200; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 8., mats. Sat. at 2:30, Sun. at 3, $60.

Bartenders "There are 1,259,874 bartenders working in the United States today. This is a story about six of them"; John Houseman Theater, 450 W. 42nd St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-206-1515; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, Sat. at 5, mat. Sun. at 3 [through 5/4].

The Circus of Vices and Virtues "Aerial harness, aerial fabric loop, vaulting, clown, stiltwalking, grotesque, corde lisse & static trapeze"; Brooklyn Lyceum, 227 4th Ave. (President St.), 718-857-4816; Fri. & Sat. at 8, $12 [through 4/12].

Communications from a Cockroach Based on Don Marquis' Archy and Mehitabel sketches; Bowery Poetry Club, 308 Bowery (betw. 1st Ave. & Bleecker St.), 212-614-0505; call for times, $10-$15 [through 4/20].

Eric & Nelson: Men of Magic "Witness a classic rope illusion accompanied by Robert Frost's poem 'The Road Not Taken'"; the Abingdon Theatre, 312 W. 36th St. (8th Ave.), 877-737-3285; call for times, $25 [through 5/11].

The Exonerated Bob Balaban directs Jessica Blank & Erik Jensen's controversial drama based on interviews w/falsely imprisoned death row inmates found innocent & freed; 45 Bleecker St., 45 Bleecker St. (Lafayette St.), 212-307-4100; Weds.-Fri. & Tues. at 8, Sat. at 5 & 9, Sun. at 3 & 7, $55.

Frederick Douglass Man of letters/former slave's story on stage at church where he worshipped, married & spoke; Mother AME Zion, 140-146 W. 137th St. (Lenox Ave.), 212-307-7171; Weds., Fri. & Sat. 8, mats. Weds., Fri. & Sat. at 3, $35.

Golda's Balcony NY premiere of play based on former Israeli PM Golda Meir; M.E.T., 55 Mercer St. (Broome St.), 212-239-6200; call for times, $50-$55 [through 4/27].

Hairspray Musical based on John Waters' film about plump girl's attempts to racially integrate teen dance show; Neil Simon Theater, 250 W. 52nd St. (betw. B'way & 8th Ave.), 212-307-4100; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, mats. Weds. & Sat. at 2, Sun. at 3, $60-$100.

Hank Williams: Lost Highway But what about Bocephus? Guess Broadway ain't ready for "O.D.'d in Denver"...; Little Shubert Theater, 422 W. 42nd St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-239-6200; call for times & prices.

La Boheme Baz Luhrmann (Moulin Rouge, Strictly Ballroom) "re-imagines" Puccini's opera (w/English supertitles); Broadway Theatre, 1681 B'way (betw. 52nd & 53rd Sts.), 212-239-6200; call for times, $20-$95.

Life X 3 Helen Hunt, John Tuturro & the phenomenal Brent Spiner (Lt. Cmdr. Data, Lore, Mark Twain, etc.) star in dinner party that serves "cruel observations and high comedy resulting in a hilarious and poignant examination of our most personal intimacies and private longings"; Circle in the Square Theater, 1633 B'way (50th St.), 212-239-6200; call for times, $80 [through 6/29].

Nharcolepsy "Two would-be cabaret entertainers freezing to death at the North Pole?Gustave Flaubert, an accordion-playing Belgian who is no relation to the author of Madame Bovary, and his mostly-mute sidekick Nhar?have failed in their quest for the Yeti..."; Gene Frankel Theatre, 24 Bond St. (Lafayette St.), 212-777-1767 ; Thurs.-Sat. at 8, $15, $10 st.

Nobody Knows I'm a Dog The anonymity of the Internet allows six characters to lose themselves in wishful personas & fictional lives, until reality returns w/a vengeance; the Red Room, 85 E. 4th St., 3rd fl. (betw. 2nd & 3rd Aves.), 212-206-1515; call for times, $15 [through 5/25].

Of Mice and Men "This is a play about people with nothing but dreams and deferred dreams in a time when dreams were essential for survival"; Mint Theater, 311 W. 43rd St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-868-4444; Thurs. at 7:30, Fri. & Sat. at 8, mat. Sun. at 3, $15 [through 4/27].

Our Lady of 121st Street New play by Stephen Adly Guirgis (directed by heart throb Philip Seymour Hoffman) decamps for off-Broadway; Union Sq. Theater, 100 E. 17th St. (Park Ave. S.), 212-505-0700; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, Sun. at 7, mats. Sat. & Sun. at 3, $30-$65.

The Play What I Wrote Directed by Kenneth Branagh & starring surprise celebrity guests; Lyceum Theatre, 149 W. 45th St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-239-6200; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, mats. Weds. & Sat. at 2, Sun. at 3, call for prices.

Polish Joke Comedy dares to ask the question, "Is being Polish a destiny?"; City Center, 131 W. 55th St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-581-1212; Weds.-Sun. & Tues. at 7:30, mats. Sat. & Sun. at 3, $20-$45 [through 4/20].

Tea at Five Kate Mulgrew (Star Trek Voyager, Ryan's Hope) portrays Katharine Hepburn in new, biographical play by Matthew Lombardo; Promenade Theatre, B'way (76th St.), 212-239-6200; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, mats. Sat. & Sun. at 3, $25-$60.

The Triumph of Love Princess passes self off as student of rationalist philosophy, impersonates man and woes prince; Jean Cocteau Repertory, 330 Bowery (Bond St.), 212-677-0060; call for times & prices [through 5/29].

Vital Signs New Works Festival This week, "A Fish Out of Water," "Everything Nice," "Pedestrians" & "A Glass of Water"; Vital Theatre Co., 432 W. 42nd St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-592-0129; Weds.-Sun. at 7, $15 [through 5/11].

The Women of Lockerbie Inspired by true story of villagers who, against US government orders, collected, washed & returned the clothing of flight 103 victims to their families; Theatre at St. Celement's, 423 W. 46th St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves. ), 212-279-4200; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, mats. Sat. at 2, Sun. at 3, $35-$50[through 5/11].