STAGE WEDNESDAY 12/19 Cabaret Baby Jane Dexter Arci’s Place, 450 ...

Cabaret

Baby Jane Dexter Arci's Place, 450 Park Ave. S. (betw. 30th & 31st Sts.), 212-532-4370; 9, $30 & $15 min. [repeats Thurs. at 9, Fri. & Sat. at 8:30].

The Gone Show Everybody has some talent?acrobats, comedians, dancers & singers all take a crack at $100 talent prize; Galapagos, 70 N. 6th St. (betw. Wythe & Kent Aves.), Williamsburg, 718-782-5188; sign-up at 8:30, 9, free.

Kiki & Herb: There's A Stranger In the Manger! Justin Bond & Kenny Mellman deck this duet w/holiday tinsel feat. Tori Amos' "Crucify," Pink Floyd's "Thin Ice" & the Ramones' "Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)"; Westbeth Theater, 151 Bank St. (betw. West & Washington Sts.), 212-741-0391; 8:30, $30-$35 [repeats Thurs.-Sun].

The Lounge-O-Leers Ricky Ritzel & Aaron Morishita impress w/retro hits via synthesizer; Hannah's Lava Lounge, 923 8th Ave. (betw. 54th & 55th Sts.), 212-974-9087; 5, free [repeats Thurs.].

Michael Feinstein's Holiday Show The club's namesake makes special holiday appearance to perform mix of seasonal songs & stand-up; Feinstein's at the Regency, 540 Park Ave. (61st St.), 212-339-4095; 8:30, $60 & $50 min. [repeats Thurs. at 8:30, Fri. & Sat. at 8:30 & 11].

One Life To Live: A Celebration Of Gertrude Lawrence Andrea Marcovicci w/musical director Shelly Markham; Algonquin Hotel, the Oak Room, 59 W. 44th St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-840-6800; 9, $50 & $50 prix fixe dinner at 6:30 req. [repeats Thurs., Fri. & Sat.].

Paige Price Arci's Place, 450 Park Ave. S. (betw. 30th & 31st Sts.), 212-532-4370; 7, $30 & $15 min. [repeats Thurs. at 7, Fri. & Sat. at 11].

Team Work: Part II - An Evening Of Jazz Sue Matsuki & Gregory Toroian; Judy's Chelsea, 169 8th Ave. (betw. 19th & 20th Sts.), 212-929-5410; 8:30, $10 min.

Comedy

All-Star Comedy Stand-up feat. Russ Meneve, Steve Byrne, Judah Friedlander, Kurt Metzger, Godfrey, D.C. Benny & Ben Bailey; Boston Comedy Club, 82 W. 3rd St. (betw. Thompson & Sullivan Sts.), 212-477-1000; 9:30, call for price [repeats Thurs.].

Ray Ellin hosts stand-up w/Buddy Bolton, Justin McKinny, Louis CK, Antman, Eric Douglas, DF Sweedler, D.C. Benny, Bernadette Pauley, Paula Bell & William Stephenson; Comic Strip Live, 1568 2nd Ave. (betw. 81st & 82nd Sts.), 212-861-9386; 8:30, $12 & 2 drink min. [repeats Thurs. & Mon. at 8:30, Sun. at 8].

Gotham All-Stars Fancy weekend guests stick around during the week; Gotham Comedy Club, 34 W. 22nd St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-367-9000; 8:30, $10 & 2 drink min.

The Happy Hour Tim Halpern, who isn't funny, hosts free stand-up that is quite funny w/rotating comedians incl. Rod Reyes, Marina Franklin, Laurie Kilmartin, Vijai Nathan, D.C. Benny, Michelle Balan & Starla Murasz; the Den at Two Boots, 44 Ave A (betw. 3rd & 4th Sts.), 212-677-6770; 8:45, free.

Hello Kitty & the Litter Box Live In Concert Behind scenes look at hottest girl group feat. Dannah Feinglass; Upright Citizens Brigade Theater, 161 W. 22nd St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-366-9176; 8, $5.

Mike King Stand-up w/Greg Rogell, Sherry Davy & Sam Greenfield; NY Comedy Club, 241 E. 24th St. (betw. 2nd & 3rd Aves.), 212-696-5233; 9, $7 & 2 drink min. [repeats Thurs.].

Colin Quinn Stand-up w/Tom Papa, Godfrey, Nick Dipaolo, Greg Giraldo & Mitch Fatel; Comedy Cellar, 117 MacDougal St. (betw. Bleecker & W. 3rd Sts.), 212-254-3480; 9 & 11, $10 & 2 drink min. [repeats Thurs. & Sun.].

Reverend Jen's Anti-Slam Open mic for comedians, sketch comics, musicians & freaks; Collective Unconscious, 145 Ludlow St. (betw. Stanton & Rivington Sts.), 212-502-0318; 8, $3.

Mike Robles Loco stand-up; Caroline's Comedy Club, 1626 B'way (49th St.), 212-757-4100; 9:45, $18 & 2 drink min.

Gregory Vaccarello Stand-up w/Gregg Rogell, John Rizzo, Hood & Nancy Redman; Dangerfield's, 1118 1st Ave. (betw. 61st & 62nd Sts.), 212-593-1650; 8:45, $12.50 [repeats Thurs. & Sun.].

Dance

Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater Season cont. w/world premieres of Judith Jamison's three-part ballet inspired by Flo-Jo & "Serving Nia" plus new production of "Shelter" highlighting the problem of homelessness; City Center, 130 W. 56th St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-581-1212; 8, $25-$75.

Ballett Frankfurt William Forsythe choreographs German Co. in three premieres, "Woolf Phrase," duet inspired by Virginia Woolf's novel Mrs. Dalloway, "Enemy in the Figure" feat. fierce electronic music & "Quintett"; BAM Opera House, 30 Lafayette Ave., Ft. Greene, 718-567-9620; 7:30, $20-$50 [repeats Thurs.].

The Long and Winding Road American Ballet Theatre pres. two new works incl. Jessica Lang's "Six to a Bunch" & Stanton Welch's "The Long and Winding Road" created for the Studio Co. & SUNY Purchase Dance Corps? plus NYC premiere of Julia Adam's "The Shroud"; & Sylvia & Danny Kaye Playhouse at Hunter College, 68th St. (betw. Park & Lexington Aves.), 212-772-4448; 8, $24, $10 st.

The Nutcracker With the lighting of the tree at Rockefeller Center & start of George Balanchine's The Nutcracker, the holidays are truly here! Set to Tchaikovsky's famous score; Lincoln Center's Fountain Plaza, B'way (63rd St.), 212-875-5108; 6, $22-$88 [repeats Thurs. at 6, Sun. at 1 & 5].

THURSDAY 12/20

Cabaret

Gypsy Cabaret Gogol Bordello's Eugene pres. Slavic legends & misfits in guise of postmodern punk; Joseph Papp Public Theater, 425 Lafayette St. (Astor Pl.), 212-539-8770; 11, $15.

Luigi & Arlette Duo performs w/piano upstairs in Italian restaurant's raw bar; Baldoria, 240 W. 49th St. (betw. B'way & 8th Aves.), 212-582-0460; 9, free w/dinner or drinks [repeats Sat.].

Men & Money & Madness Tessa Bell w/Tedd Firth on piano; Judy's Chelsea, 169 8th Ave. (betw. 19th & 20th Sts.), 212-929-5410; 8:30, $10 min. [repeats Sun. at 5:30].

Winter Fire & Snow Benita Hill performs; Sam's Restaurant & Cabaret, 263 W. 45th St. (betw. 7th & 8th Aves.), 212-719-5416; 9, $10 & $10 min.

Comedy

Dave Attell Everyone's favorite insomniac starts his night w/stand-up; Caroline's Comedy Club, 1626 B'way (49th St.), 212-757-4100; 8, $19-$22 & 2 drink min. [repeats Fri. & Sun. at 8].

The Chainsaw Boys Six-piece improv troupe saws through Gotham City Improv, 158 W. 23rd St., 2nd fl. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-367-8222, RSVP 212-501-1728; 8, $8.

Talent We doubt that's his real name! Stand-up; Caroline's Comedy Club, 1626 B'way (49th St.), 212-757-4100; 10, $20-$24 & 2 drink min. [repeats Fri. & Sat. at 10:30 & 12:30 a.m.].

This Thursday Horse Trade Theater Group pres. sketch comedy duo Ahna Tessler & Lauren Engel performing excerpts from "Wha? Huh?" w/guest comic Marta Raven; The Kraine Theater, 85 E. 4th St. (betw. 2nd & 3rd Aves.), 212-539-7686; 10:30, $7.

Dance

Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater Season cont. w/"Revelations" feat. African dance, "Episodes" & "Following the Subtle Current Upstream"; City Center, 130 W. 56th St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-581-1212; 8, $25-$75.

Dance In Progress Choreographers Jennifer Allen, Driscoll, Le Minh Tam & Athena Malloy pres. works-in-progress; The Kitchen, 512 W. 19th St. (10th Ave.), 212-255-5793 x11; 8, $12 [repeats Fri.].

Danztectonic Choreographer Nayo Takasaki pres. three premiere dances incl. short prelude "Tribute to the Victims of the WTC Disaster," experimental piece "Where Are We" & "Joy!"; Merce Cunningham Studio, 55 Bethune St., 11th fl. (betw. West & Washington Sts.), 212-924-0077; 9, $12 [repeats Fri. at 9, Sat. at 8].

Food For Thought Arts Against Hunger sponsors contemporary dance to benefit neighborhood food distribution programs; serves as international Bagnolet choreographers competition feat. Yin Mei (Thurs.), Jeanine Durning, Mark Jarecke, Stephen Petronio, Sarah Skaggs (Fri.), Tere O'Connor, Pam Tanowitz & Donna Uchizono (Sat.); Danspace Project at St. Mark's Church, 131 E. 10th St. (2nd Ave.), 212-674-8194; 7:30, $10, $5 & 2 cans of food [repeats Fri. & Sat.].

New Dance, Theater , Performance & Experimentation Colin Carew, Hiroko Ishimura, Sophia Skiles & Cynthia Croot pres. pieces exploring soul & heart of the individual, existence & machismo of war; P.S. 122, 150 1st Ave. (9th St.), 212-477-5829; 8:30, $15.

FRIDAY 12/21

Cabaret

Knock-Off Ms. Ana Matronic hosts night of dark swinging; the Slipper Room, 167 Orchard St. (betw. Stanton & Rivington Sts.), 212-253-7246; 12 a.m., $5.

Merry Fucking Christmas Jackie Beat rocks the house spreading Christmas cheer; Fez/Time Cafe, 380 Lafayette St. (Great Jones St.), 212-330-9349; 7, $15 [repeats Sun.].

One Life to Live: A Celebration Of Gertrude Lawrence Andrea Marcovicci w/musical director Shelly Markham; Algonquin Hotel, the Oak Room, 59 W. 44th St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-840-6800; 11:30, call for price [repeats Sat.].

Helen Schneider w/Bob Kaye on piano performs sultry renditions of American standards, plus excerpts from her CD Cool Heat; Weill Recital Hall, 154 W. 57th St. (7th Ave.), 212-247-7800; 8, $35, $15 st./s.c.

TeddyCare 2001 Mr. Ruby Rims hosts evening of cabaret w/music director John McMahon to benefit the Manhattan Plaza AIDS project; Judy's Chelsea, 169 8th Ave. (betw. 19th & 20th Sts.), 212-929-5410; 8 & 11.

Comedy

Bumlinger Presents Comical one-acts feat. David Adelson, Jenn Bates, Earl Brokenshire, Aly Burrows, Wendy Buss, Gwyneth Dobson, Ed Domingues, Stephen Eshenbaugh, Stacey Gordon, Vincent Gottschalk, Heather Leigh & others; Producers Club Theater, 358 W. 44th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 718-462-9316; 8, $20, $17 adv. [repeats Sat.].

Jim David Stand-up w/Orny Adams & Tom Papa; Gotham Comedy Club, 34 W. 22nd St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-367-9000; 8:30 & 10:30; $15 & 2 drink min. [repeats Sat.].

Angelo Lozado Stand-up w/Judy Gold & Dean Edwards; Stand-Up New York, 236 W. 78th St. (B'way), 212-595-0850; 8, 10 & 12:15 a.m., $12 [repeats Sat.].

Mama's Family! Colette Hawley hosts "comedy, music & mayhem" feat. Donald Birely, Michael Conley, Karen Mack, Sarah Mucho, Sidney Myer, Christina Nuki, Eric Pickering & Ann Scobie; Don't Tell Mama, 343 W. 46th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-757-0788; 10:30, $10 & 2 drink min.

Bill McCarty hosts stand-up w/Tony Rock, Karen Bergreen, Mike Birbiglia, Lisa Lampanelli, Ray Ellin, Todd Barry, Paul Mercurio, Sue Costello, Mitch Fatel, Antman, Ross Bennett & Macio; Comic Strip Live, 1568 2nd Ave. (betw. 81st & 82nd Sts.), 212-861-9386; 8:30, 10:30 & 12:30, $15 & 2 drink min.

Jim Norton Stand-up w/Dave Attell, Paula Bel, Rich Vos, D.C. Benny, Russ Meneve, Gregory Rogell & Macio; Boston Comedy Club, 82 W. 3rd St. (betw. Thompson & Sullivan Sts.), 212-477-1000; 8, 10 & 12:15 a.m., $12 & 2 drink min. [repeats Sat.].

Colin Quinn Stand-up w/Tom Papa, Godfrey, Nick Dipaolo, Greg Giraldo & Mitch Fatel; Comedy Cellar, 117 MacDougal St. (betw. Bleecker & W. 3rd Sts.), 212-254-3480; 9, 10:45 & 12:30 a.m., $12 & 2 drink min. [repeats Sat. at 7:30, 9, 11 & 12:45 a.m.].

Johnny Rizzo Stand-up w/Steve Marshall, Gregg Rogell & Sam Greenfield; NY Comedy Club, 241 E. 24th St. (betw. 2nd & 3rd Aves.), 212-696-5233; 10, $10 & 2 drink min. [repeats Sat. at 8, 10 & 12 a.m.].

Top African-American & Latino Comics NY Comedy Club, 241 E. 24th St. (betw. 2nd & 3rd Aves.), 212-696-5233; 11, $10 & 2 drink min. [repeats Sat.].

Gregory Vaccarello Stand-up w/Gregg Rogell, John Rizzo, Hood & Nancy Redman; Dangerfield's, 1118 1st Ave. (betw. 61st & 62nd Sts.), 212-593-1650; 8:30 & 10:30, $15-$20 [repeats Sat. at 8, 10:30 & 12:30 a.m.].

Dance

Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater Season cont. w/Ailey Classics feat. excerpts from classic works like "Blues Suite" & "The River," plus "Revelations" feat. African dance in its entirety; City Center, 130 W. 56th St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-581-1212; 8, $25-$75.

The Nutcracker With the lighting of the tree at Rockefeller Center & the start of George Balanchine's The Nutcracker, the holiday season is truly here! Set to Tchaikovsky's famous score; Lincoln Center's Fountain Plaza, B'way (63rd St.), 212-875-5108; 2 & 8, $22-$88 [repeats Sat.].

The Nutcracker Bronx's Contemporary Ballet Theatre pres. the classic feat. Tchaikovsky's score w/a youthful & culturally diverse cast; Live from the Edge Theatre at the Point, 940 Garrison Ave., Hunts Point, Bronx, 718-542-4139; 8, $10, $5 chil. [repeats Sat. & Sun. at 3].

SATURDAY 12/22

Cabaret

Cary Hoffman performs Frank Sinatra's "most celebrated 50s classics" w/an 11-piece orchestra; and listen, this guy sounds exactly like Sinatra; Carnegie Club, 156 W. 56th St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-843-8073; 8 & 10, $25 & 2 drink min.

The Holiday Show Julie Reyburn w/special guests & Mark Janas on piano; Judy's Chelsea, 169 8th Ave. (betw. 19th & 20th Sts.), 212-929-5410; 8:30, $10 min.

Judy Garland & Friends For the Holidays! Tommy Femia's "Judy" sings classics incl. "Winter Wonderland" & "I've Got My Love To Keep Me Warm" w/guests Julie Reyburn & Michael Conley; Don't Tell Mama, 343 W. 46th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-757-0788; 11, $20 & 2 drink min.

Mr. Choade's Upstairs/Downstairs Chester O'Makerel & Fawn host party w/regulars Ronny Dykesman, Ukulele Louie, Pussyhawk & more; the Slipper Room, 167 Orchard St. (betw. Stanton & Rivington Sts.), 212-253-7246; 11, $5.

Shiny Hot Nights: More Songs Of Joni Mitchell John Kelly puts on a wig, tweaks his voice & becomes Joni Mitchell for an evening w/Zecca on piano; Fez/Time Cafe, 380 Lafayette St. (Great Jones St.), 212-330-9349; 8, $20 [through 1/12].

Comedy

Brooklyn Brew-Ha-Ha Larry Getlen hosts stand-up w/Liam McEneany, Dan Levy, Lulu Hagen & more; East End Ensemble, 273 Smith St. (betw. Sackett & Degraw), Caroll Gardens, 718-624-8878; 8, $10.

Carmen Mofongo's Coquito Christmas: A Coquito Odyssey Michele Carlo stars as the Latin lady for third-annual bash feat. Rev. Jen, Shauna Lane, Tom Tenney, Noah Tarnow & Janet Rosen plus a shot per person of Carmen's coquito; starring everyone's favorite drink, rum; Surf Reality, 172 Allen St. (betw. Rivington & Stanton Sts.), 212-673-4182; 10, $10.

Tommy Koening host variety/stand-up comedy; Duplex, 61 Christopher St. (7th Ave.), 212-255-5438; 10, $10 & 2 drink min.

Poole Party Always has regulars Ron Poole, Nancy Witter & Sidney Myer plus Vicky Van Tassel, Gerard Gravallese & Rahul Siddharth; Don't Tell Mama, 343 W. 46th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-757-0788; 8:30, $10 & 2 drink min. [through 12/29].

William Stephenson hosts stand-up w/Sherrod Small, Steven Scott, Vinnie Brand, Vanessa Hollingshead, Tom Cotter, Gregg Rogell, Modi, Lenny Marcus, Al Ducharme & Kevin Flynn; Comic Strip Live, 1568 2nd Ave. (betw. 81st & 82nd Sts.), 212-861-9386; 8, 10:15 & 12:30, $15 & 2 drink min.

The 10:17 Comedy Night Michael & Bricken host holiday sketch comedy feat. stand-upers Lynn Harris, Ophira Eisenberg, Eddie Pepitone; Patrick Tango w/Junk Food; Andres du Bouchet w/a fish; music by Tio Sanchez & sketches like "the Angry Elf & the Fat Reindeer"; Gershwin Hotel, 7 E. 27th St. (betw. 5th & Madison Aves.), 212-932-3767; 10, $5.

Underground Comics Curtis B. Sterling hosts weekly stand-up; Brooklyn Lyceum, the Geloscopic, 227 4th Ave. (Betw. Union & President Sts.), Park Slope, 718-857-4816; 11:30, $5.

Va Va Voom Room Miss Astrid hosts a combo of burlesque, vaudeville, strippers, magicians & clowns; Fez/Time Cafe, 380 Lafayette St. (Great Jones St.), 212-330-9349; 10:30, $15 [through 12/29].

Dance

Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater Season cont. w/Ailey classics incl. "Night Creature," "Cry," "Memoria" & "Revelations" feat. African dance; City Center, 130 W. 56th St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-581-1212; 2, $25-$75.

Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater Season cont. w/Ailey classics "Revelations" feat. African dance, "The River" & "Double Exposure"; City Center, 130 W. 56th St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-581-1212; 8, $25-$75.

The Nutcracker Bronx's Contemporary Ballet Theatre pres. the classic feat. Tchaikovsky's score w/youthful & culturally diverse cast plus champagne reception, dancing & more; Live from the Edge Theatre at the Point, 940 Garrison Ave., Hunts Point, Bronx, 718-542-4139; 8, $100.

SUNDAY 12/23

Cabaret

Holiday Show feat. Laurie Bricker; Arci's Place, 450 Park Ave. S. (betw. 30th & 31st Sts.), 212-532-4370; 3 & 8, $30 & $15 min.

Just In Time For Christmas Eastern Standard Time pres. brunch show feat. mix of holiday classics & standards?seating begins at 2; Judy's Chelsea, 169 8th Ave. (betw. 19th & 20th Sts.), 212-929-5410; 3, $15 & $10 min.

Lost World Jack Crosely's trib. to the flipside of the 60s, w/music by Elvis, Sinatra, Dean Martin & Bing Crosby; the Slipper Room, 167 Orchard St. (betw. Stanton & Rivington Sts.), 212-253-7246; 8, $6.

Comedy

ASSSSCAT 3000 Brigade does long form improv w/help from SNL & Late Night with Conan O'Brien friends; Upright Citizens Brigade Theater, 161 W. 22nd St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), RSVP 212-366-9176; 7:30, $7; 9:30, free.

Mike King Stand-up w/Gregg Rogell, Peter Fogel & Laurie Kilmartin; NY Comedy Club, 241 E. 24th St. (betw. 2nd & 3rd Aves.), 212-696-5233; 9, $7 & 2 drink min. [repeats Mon. & Tues.].

Dance

Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater Season cont. w/"Bad Blood," "Following the Subtle Current Upstream" & "Grace"; City Center, 130 W. 56th St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-581-1212; 3, $25-$75.

Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater Season cont. w/Ailey classics incl. "Revelations" feat. African dance, "The River" & "Phases"; City Center, 130 W. 56th St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-581-1212; 7:30, $25-$75.

MONDAY 12/24

Cabaret

Annual Christmas Sing-Along Clare Copper tickles the ivories on the Baby Grand while everyone sings; Judy's Chelsea, 169 8th Ave. (betw. 19th & 20th Sts.), 212-929-5410; 9, $10 min.

Butch It Up: Behind Bars Christopher Anderson, Scott Gilmore, Tim Herman, Jeff Seabaugh & Craig Skelton exploit the hits that turned female singers into divas; Duplex, 61 Christopher St. (7th Ave.), 212-255-5438; 8, $10 & 2 drink min.

The Wau Wau Sisters Once upon a time these twins were separated at birth, but now they're reunited for entertainment purposes; Galapagos, 70 N. 6th St. (betw. Wythe & Kent Aves.), Williamsburg, 718-782-5188; 10, free.

Comedy

Blue Tony Woods & Rondel host comedy feat. Tracy Morgan, Dean Edwards, Warren Holstein, Dov Davidoff & Todd Lynn; Boston Comedy Club, 82 W. 3rd St. (betw. Thompson & Sullivan Sts.), 212-477-1000; 10, $5 & 1 drink min.

Just Back From Guatemala (Broke Again) Moxie Films & Stupida Boyz (John Carlino, Eric Robinson & Kelley Rae O'Donnell) pres. an adult variety show feat. live acts, "3 Min. Bingo," "culturally observant sketches" & beer; La Tea Theater, CSV Cultural Arts Center, 107 Suffolk Street, 2nd Floor (Rivington St.), 212-206-1515; 8, $14.

Colin Quinn Stand-up w/Dave Attell, Godfrey, Nick Dipaolo, Greg Giraldo & Jim Norton; Comedy Cellar, 117 MacDougal St. (betw. Bleecker & W. 3rd Sts.), 212-254-3480; 9 & 11, $10 & 2 drink min. [repeats Tues.].

A Very Jewish Christmas Jewish comedians represent the other side of this holiday; Gotham Comedy Club, 34 W. 22nd St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-367-9000; 7 & 9:30; $15 & 2 drink min.

TUESDAY 12/25

Cabaret

Starstruck Lee Byar becomes Hollywood's legends, looking & singing like Carol Channing, Judy, Liza & Marilyn; Marion's Continental Restaurant & Lounge, 354 Bowery (betw. 4th & Great Jones Sts.), 212-475-7621; 8:30, free.

Comedy

All-Star Lineup Stand-up w/Joe Vega, Reggie McFadden, Sue Costello, Tom Cotter, Lisa Lampanelli & Ray Ellin plus no cover!; Comic Strip Live, 1568 2nd Ave. (betw. 81st & 82nd Sts.), 212-861-9386; 8:30-12 a.m., 2 drink min.

Half-Price College Night College IDs get you a sweet deal of cheap beer & stand-up feat. Russ Meneve, Steve Byrne, Judah Friedlander, Big Jay, Godfrey, D.C. Benny & Ben Bailey; Boston Comedy Club, 82 W. 3rd St. (betw. Thompson & Sullivan Sts.), 212-477-1000; 9:30, $8 & drink min.

Theater

JUST OPENED

And God Created Great Whales An artist tries desperately to finish masterpiece based on Moby Dick before his mind degenerates, musical by Rinde Eckert feat. Memento-like plot device; 45 Bleecker, 45 Bleecker St. (Lafayette St.), 212-307-4100; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, mat. Sun. at 4, $35 [through 1/13].

Assassins Play addresses presidential assassinations from Booth to Hinckley, Jr.; Music Box Theatre, 239 W. 45th St. (betw. B'way & 8th Ave.), 212-239-6200; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, mats. Weds., Sat. & Sun. at 2, $25-$90.

Briah Story by Israeli playwright Yossefa Even-Shoshan about creation as seen through eyes of Spanish poet Shlomo Ibn Gabriol; La MaMa E.T.C., 74A E. 4th St. (betw. 2nd Ave. & Bowery), 212-475-7710; Thurs.-Sat. at 8, Sun. at 2:30 & 8, $15 [through 12/30].

Carl the Second Life from perspective of man who is always second in everything, comedy; 29th St. Rep, 212 W. 29th St. (betw. 7th & 8th Aves.), 212-206-1515; Thurs.-Sat. at 8, Sun. at 6, $15 [through 1/6].

A Child's Christmas In Whales Child's view & adult memory capture holiday spirit; Irish Repertory Theater, 132 W. 22nd St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-727-2737; Weds.-Sat. at 8, mats. Sat. & Sun. at 3, $20 [through 12/23].

Christmas With the Crawfords Christmas Eve, 1944, Joan Crawford & children prepare for live radio broadcast from home, complete w/beatings & insanity, comedy; Chelsea Playhouse, 125 W. 22nd St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-439-5135; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, mats. Sat. at 5, Sun. at 7, $40 [through 1/5].

Dance Of Death Before you see him in Lord Of The Rings, catch Ian McKellan here?a couple trapped by 25 years of marriage is offered chance to escape; Broadhurst Theater, 235 W. 44th St. (betw. B'way & 8th Ave.), 212-239-6200; Weds.-Sat & Tues. at 8, mats. Wed. & Sat. at 2, Sun. at 3, $21.75-$71.25 [through 1/13].

Deck the Halls with Love The "Queen of Christmas" puts on hysterical show featuring "Christmas Baby, Please Come Home," "He's a Rebel" & many others; Sylvia & Danny Kaye Playhouse at Hunter College, 68th St. (betw. Park & Lexington Aves.), 212-307-7171; Fri. at 8, Sat. at 7 & 9, $39-$62.50.

Drummer Wanted Drummer injured in car accident & living at home wonders about financial compensation; P.S. 122, 150 1st Ave. (9th St.), 212-477-5933; Thurs.-Sun. at 7:30, $17 [through 12/23].

The Eight: Reindeer Monologues International icon may fall victim to scandal, only reindeer knows truth; Ohio Theater, 66 Wooster St. (betw. Spring & Broome Sts), 212-279-4200; Weds.-Sat. at 8, $15 [through 12/22].

A Flea In Her Ear Zany comedy has social butterfly inventing lovers to make her husband jealous, visiting high-class brothel to catch him in the act; John Houseman Theater, 450 W. 42nd St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-695-1596; Weds.-Fri. at 8, $18 [through 12/21].

Good Time Blues Blues musical explores humanity during program of 40+ songs; John Houseman Theater, 450 W. 42nd St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-239-6200; Mon. at 8, mat. Sun. at 3, $30, $15 st./s.c. [through 12/29].

Hedda Gabler Ibsen's interpretations of feminism in Victorian society; Ambassador Theater, 219 W. 49th St. (betw. B'way & 8th Ave.), 212-239-6200; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, mats. Weds. & Sat. at 2, Sun. at 3, $30-$70 [through 1/13].

It's a Wonderful (One Man Show) Life! Solo adaptation of classic film, perfect holiday fodder; Manhattan Theater Source, 177 MacDougal St. (8th St.), 212-501-4751; Sat. at 4, $10 [through 12/29].

Just Back From Guatemala (Broke Again) Comedy troupe performs variety show incl. bingo, short films, musical groups & more; LAETA Theater, 107 Suffolk St. (Rivington St.), 212-206-1515; Mon. at 8, $14.

La Lupe: My Life, My Destiny Celebration of a great Hispanic lady, starring Sully Diaz; Puerto Rican Traveling Theatre, 304 W. 47th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-239-6200; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, Sun. at 6:30, mats. Sat. & Sun. at 2, $35-$40.

The Last Carburetor Wrecked automobile sits in garage for 20 years & becomes focus of family tensions; Present Company Theatorium, 196-198 Stanton St. (Ridge St.), 212-420-8877; Weds.-Sat. at 7:30, $15, [through 12/22].

Listen Houdini Houdini & Sir Arthur Conan Doyle argue about spiritualist movement & loss; Axis Theater, 1 Sheridan Sq. (7th Ave.), 212-807-9300; Thurs.-Sat. at 8, $20 [through 12/22].

Little Ham Musical based on Langston Hughes' play about love & loyalty during Harlem Renaissance; Hudson Guild Theater, 441 W. 26th St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-563-2565; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, mats. Sat. at 2, Sun. at 3, $19, $15 st./s.c. [through 12/30].

The Little Mermaid The real, raw version?adaptation of Hans Christian Anderson as opposed to Disney vehicle for sophomoric animation tricks; Hitchcock-Rockefeller Aud., 610 Lexington Ave. (53rd St.), 212-866-5170; Sat. & Sun. at 2, $15 [through 12/30].

A Mammal's Notebook: The Erik Satie Cabaret Acting, puppetry & music tell story of Erik Satie's life; La MaMa E.T.C., Annex Theater, 74A E. 4th St. (betw. 2nd Ave. & Bowery), 212-475-7710; Thurs.-Sat. at 7:30, Sun. at 2:30 & 7:30, $20 [through 12/30].

NBS!K Musical comedy review w/naked boys singing & dancing; the Actors' Playhouse, 100 7th Ave. (betw. Grove & Bleecker Sts.), 212-239-6200; Weds.-Fri. & Mon. at 8, Sat. at 7 &10, Sun. at 3 & 7, $35-$65.

No Exit Satre's cynical work about definition of eternal damnation, no fire & torture, "hell is other people"; Producer's Club, 358 W. 44th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-315-4743; Weds.-Sat. at 8, $12 [through 12/22].

Novel A play about a writer who writes a book about a man who looks back on his regrets & successes; Here, 145 6th Ave. (betw. Spring & Dominick Sts.), 212-647-0202; Fri. & Sat. at 7:30, mats. on Sat. & Sun. at 2:30, $15 [through 12/23].

Peter Pan Reinterpretation of childhood classic highlights desolation & isolation of adulthood; Theater for the New City, 155 1st Ave. (10th St.), 718-488-9233; Weds.-Sat. at 8, $25, $15 st./s.c., Thurs. pay-what-you-wish [through 12/22].

A Queer Carol Gay version of Dickens holiday tale, Ebenezer is wealthy interior designer, assisted by Cratchit who cares for HIV+ boyfriend; Duplex, 61 Christopher St. (7th Ave.), 212-206-1515; Weds. at 7, Thurs. & Fri. at 7:30, $15 [through 12/21].

Roadside Traveling tent show musical about Old West arrives in NYC bearing cowboys & love stories; the Theater at St. Peter's Church, 619 Lexington Ave. (54th St.), 212-239-6200; Weds.-Sat. at 8, mats. Weds, Sat. & Sun. at 2:30, $45 [through 12/23].

Room Between Told primarily in movement, production explores space betw. reality & imagination; Brooklyn Lyceum, 227 4th Ave. (President St.), Park Slope, 718-857-4816; Thurs.-Fri. at 8, $7 [through 12/21].

Santa Claus is Coming Out Jolly man in red goes rainbow & must convince world he is not trying to indoctrinate children into his "lifestyle"; the Gene Frankel Theater, 24 Bond St. (betw. Lafayette St. & Bowery), 212-206-1515; Fri. & Mon. at 8, Sat. at 8 & 10:15, Sun at 3 & 7, $25 [through 1/7].

Sexaholix...a love story John Leguizamo returns (if he ever went away) w/humorous one-man exploration of marriage, sex & all-purpose dirt in the Latin family, incl. primer "Latinos for Dummies: From Montezuma to Me"; Royale Theater, 242 W. 45th St. (betw. B'way & 8th Ave.), 212-239-6200; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, mats. Sat. at 2, Sun. at 3, $15-$80 [through 2/10].

Six Goumbas & a Wannabe The mini-sensation returns! old-school Brooklynites reunite after 15 years to deal w/dangerous unfinished business; Players Theater, 115 MacDougal St. (betw. Bleecker & 3rd Sts.), 212-239-6200; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, Sun. at 7, mats. Sat. & Sun. at 3, $37.50 [through 1/6].

Still Standing Musical comedy about one woman's attempt to manage career, single motherhood & cancer; Manhattan Theater Source, 177 MacDougal St. (8th St.), 212-501-4751; mat. Sun. at 2, $10 [through 12/30].

The Streets Of New York Victorian drama about two sisters vs. dishonest banker; Irish Repertory Theater, 132 W. 22nd St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-727-2737; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, mats. Sat. & Sun. at 3, $30-$40 [through 1/20].

Summer Of '42 Based on novel by Herman Raucher, three boys on vacation during WWII wrestle w/girls, love & life; Variety Arts Theatre, 110 3rd Ave. (betw. 13 & 14th Sts.), 212-239-6200; Weds.-Sat. at 8, Sun. at 7:30, mats. Weds., Sat. & Sun. at 3, $25-$65.

The Syringa Tree One-woman play stars Kate Blumberg as a white female struggling w/reality of South Africa during & after Apartheid?Ms. Blumberg displays unique talent as she transforms from character to character, bringing pain, compassion & humor to all involved; Playhouse 91, 316 E. 91st St. (betw. 1st & 2nd Aves.), 212-307-4100; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, mats. Sat at 2, Sun. at 3, $49.50.

Tales From the Oven Bakery girls speak about their aspirations & lives in New York, comedy; Nuyorican Poets Cafe, 236 E. 3rd St. (betw. Aves. B & C), 212-252-4790; Thurs.-Sat. at 7:30, $15 [through 12/22].

Unity Fest NY's annual Gay Play festival, new & experienced talent addresses issues facing gay & lesbian community; call for locations & sched. [through 12/30].

Volvio Una Noche Jewish mysticism mixes w/Latin culture in examination of interfaith marriage?a Jewish mother returns from the grave to grill her son's Catholic girlfriend; Gramercy Arts Theater, 138 E. 27th St. (betw. Lexington & 3rd Aves.), 212-889-2850; call for prices & times [through 12/23].

World's Collide Three short plays by Franco D'Alessandro dedicated to actor Kevin Cleary who died in Sept. 11 attack; Here, 145 6th Ave. (betw. Spring & Dominick Sts.), 212-647-0202; Weds.-Sun. at 7, $20.

Wurst Celebration of jealousy, love, revenge & more as seen through weirdo production team Radiohole; Collapsable Hole, 146 Metropolitan Ave. (Berry St.), Williamsburg, 718-388-2251; Weds.-Fri. at 9, $10 [through 12/21].