SONY MUSIC VIDEO IN 1984, MICHAEL JACKSON'S head caught ...
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SONY MUSIC VIDEO
IN 1984, MICHAEL JACKSON'S head caught on fire during the filming of a Pepsi commercial, Russia boycotted the summer Olympics and Soleil Moon Fry made her television debut. From this moment forth, any parent with a daughter between the ages of five and 13 was forced to endure the weekly 30-minute snoozefest known as Punky Brewster.
I never understood why watching Punky made my parents squirm like torture victims. Punky was, like, totally awesome, and any girl in my first-grade class who wasn't a nobody worshipped her. She represented independence, was the 80s fashion-plate and had street-smart spunk wrapped up in a freckly pigtailed package. Punky was my hero, and as I grew into a woman, I kept her dear to my heart.
Then season one of the show was released on DVD. Just as some movies should never be remade, some television shows should remain memories.
The first episode introduces the Punky we all remember: a child squatter in an empty apartment in Henry's building. She was apparently abandoned by her mother in a shopping center, and has been scraping by for a week in Chicago. Surprisingly, she is perfectly clean, completely happy and totally unharmed. The relationship she builds with Henry over the show's first 10 minutes is enough for him to decide to fight child welfare, go to court and gain custody. Touching, isn't it?
Too bad that in reality, Henry would have strangled her, eaten her brain and dropped the corpse in a dumpster. Or worse.
The most unsettling episode of the season, "Miss Adorable," features Punky trying to make Henry proud by winning a beauty pageant. An unnervingly creepy man hosts the pageant and sings "Thank Heaven for Little Girls" in a sequin-covered dinner jacket and nut-hugger jeans while the contestants showcase their talents in a montage of leotards, tap-dancing and baton-twirling. Punky's favorite adjective could best describe this episode: "Miss Adorable" is totally gross-a-roo. Unless, of course, you happen to be a pedophile.
Social work and child welfare are recurring themes throughout the first season. If Punky isn't running away from home and hanging out with homeless kids, she's chasing burglars back to their hide-outs and inviting them home for dinner. Unfortunately, it's not until the next three seasons-not included here-that we're treated to the more socially conscious episodes, such as Punky's attempt to save a pig from the slaughterhouse.
The only useful thing about this DVD is its amazing ability to stir boyfriends into action. By the time the opening song is over, your man will be running out the door to install a toilet or change the oil in his car, preferring any boring task to the instantly emasculating effects of Punky Power. Ladies, if he doesn't run for the hills, it might be time to start questioning his sexual orientation. Thanks, Punky!