Sign Language

VIRGO AUG. 23-SEPT. 22

My boyfriend is having a contest of wills with the dog, who's too big to manhandle into the bathtub, but instead must be coerced and coaxed to enter it of his own accord. I can't help but be reminded of your situation: You, too, can't simply force what you want to happen; you need to finesse it. Forego, utterly, the use of brute muscle; with that technique you'll just get bitten, or a hernia. Bribery, deception and begging are all fair game. But I've found that what often works best is simply asking for what you want.

LIBRA SEPT. 23-OCT. 22

Before you head to the pharmacy to pick up some sore-throat spray and lip balm, consider another solution: Stop talking so much. Chattering on about your problems isn't helping you (or anyone else). Sometimes, it is useful to engage in dialogues about what's up in your life; bouncing ideas and feelings off another person can help you figure out just what to do. But this ain't one of those times, and you know it. What you're supposed to be doing is obvious and, at this point, unignorable. Your gabber is pure procrastination (and, in some cases, whining). Sshhh. Time to get to work.

SCORPIO OCT. 23-NOV. 21

You know this storm won't last long. Its very ferocity has determined its fleeting lifespan. The torrent of gray rain pounding on your windows may seem like a devastating hurricane, but you'll actually glimpse blue skies within the hour. Please be patient. You could still get struck by lightning if you venture outdoors; instead, hunker down and wait it out. Every once in a while, head to the window and humor the terrible thunderheads: "Oooh, you're such a nasty mean storm." Then chill for a while; if you don't react by generating a storm of your own, you'll be in good shape once this one blows over-nothing but rainbows and daffodils for days.

SAGITTARIUS NOV. 22-DEC. 21

The most dramatic thing about a butterfly is not its technicolor wingspan or peculiar, fluttering flight. It's the metamorphosis it undergoes on its way to that beauty, from many-legged monstrosity to flowery grace. I wouldn't presume to try to guess where you'll be at this time next year, or what you'll be. You might not even be better off than you are now; even your notorious good luck isn't enough to completely counteract or compensate for universal entropy. But I will say that you'll be almost unrecognizably different, for the cocoon you're spinning around yourself-each thread another mile of distance or degree of attitude-will leave you utterly transformed. There's no stopping you-and who'd want to? But there is missing you; so clue in the people who'll miss you the most about when they can expect you-albeit transfigured-back.

CAPRICORN DEC. 22-JAN. 19

Give it up. There's one wish you're making that's so fanciful (and simply not in line with the known universe) that it simply can't come true. You might as well be dreaming of befriending a magical talking horse. In other words, this kind of fantasy can be hilariously entertaining, but once you start feeling sad that it hasn't manifested, you're treading on dangerous ground, as well as wasting your time. No dream is too outlandish or messy, as long as it's enhancing your experience of reality. But this particular reverie has fallen into the category of detracting from your life experience, especially because its pursuit is keeping you from other, more achievable dreams.

AQUARIUS JAN. 20-FEB. 18

You're growing like a weed. I'm not talking about your limbs, but your spirit; lately it's been sending shoots in every direction-curious, probing tendrils seeking more sunlight and nourishment of all kinds. Cool. I've been waiting for you to notice that you're slowly starving to death on the diet you've maintained for the last year or so. It's impolite to point out to someone that they've been wasting away, especially when you're not sure why. I have some hunches, but they're all irrelevant now that you're ready to open yourself up to new ways of feeding your soul and new experiences for it to expand into. Let me know when you're ready to flower and bear fruit. I want some.

PISCES FEB. 19-MARCH 20

Self-promote this week. Usually you're too shy, humble or diplomatic to engage in this kind of behavior, but sometimes it's the only way to let people know what you're about and what you can do. This isn't about selling yourself or convincing anyone of anything-notions you find repugnant. It's just about clueing people in to what you're capable of, in case they might be interested. Once you've gently lobbed this ball into a number of other courts, your suspicions will be sadly confirmed when the vast majority of them don't respond, but delightfully contradicted when a surprising number of them do.

ARIES MARCH 21-APRIL 19

Tough love is the name of this week's game. Just make sure it's universally applied. While it's true that several of those in your inner circle at times have needed to be practically forced to do what was required (and often what they really wanted to do, but were scared to try), they're not the only ones. You, too, have been stopping well short of your semi-arbitrary limit. Sadly, there's no one like you in your life who'll shove you in the right direction whenever you balk or stall. Do yourself the harsh kindness you so often visit upon those you love, and give yourself a good, uncompromising, motivational kick in the ass this week.

TAURUS APRIL 20-MAY 20

If I were an alien capable of interstellar travel, wanting to observe Earth, I wouldn't bother with some clumsy Star Trekkian method, involving beaming down to the planet, actually interacting with the humans, and inevitably fucking shit up. I'd send down microscopic airborne probes, or observe from a neighboring dimension, or something far less intrusive. I can't help believing they'd be capable of it, just as you're capable of handling much more refined tools and techniques than the ones you've been using. Forego your silly and simply Cro-Mag methods. They'll inevitably mess with your results, and make you look ridiculous in the process. Fuck the bull-in-the-china-shop Taurean stereotype. We both know you're capable of subtlety. Now show everyone else as much.

GEMINI MAY 21-JUNE 20

Don't let one small-minded asshole fuck things up for you. They're not worthy of that much attention. That's like forever abstaining from your favorite restaurant because of one bad waitress; it hurts you a lot more than it hurts her (not at all) or the restaurant itself (only a little). You're risking a lot of self-spite just to prove a point that no one else is likely to get. "It's the principle of the thing!" you may protest. Well, principles are all well and good, but please play a deeper game than the one you've planned, one that will minimize your suffering and maximize your point.

CANCER JUNE 21-JULY 22

There's a price on your head. You're not about to be stealthily murdered in the dead of night or anything (fuck, if I could predict that kind of thing, I'd be a wealthy man). But there are those who are willing to take somewhat less drastic (but nearly as effective) measures to take you out of the picture. Luckily, they're clumsy and stupid, so now that you're alert to their unsubtle machinations, you can simply sidestep them without much fuss. Don't bother with revenge or anything so tedious. Your success (and their failure to prevent it) is revenge enough for their ill intentions.

LEO JULY 23-AUG. 22

Quit polarizing the picture. It's very tempting to make one person out to be the villain and the other the innocent victim of that villainy (or, better yet, the heroic Bringer of Truth and Cutter of Bullshit). But neither of you is actually an evil fuckhead trying to screw the other over. You're just coming from different places, which makes resolution of the conflict more low-key than you imagined: a discussion, instead of an epic battle. Resist the appeal of trying to make this-like so many other facets of your life-into a scene from a movie, and just deal with it appropriately instead. o